A Toddler's Apology To Santa

Dearest Santa,

First, I just want to say that it was an absolute pleasure meeting you at the mall. I apologize for all of the screaming and bucking when they placed me in your lap. In my defense, you are kind of a stranger. It's hard to get to know someone when they only come around once a year when you're asleep. I'm sure that pee pee washed right out of your beautiful red pants. I do that sometimes when I'm afraid. If it's any consolation, I hear urine is sterile.

Santa, this year has been a hard one for me. I recently learned hands aren't for hitting, but my muscle memory keeps kicking in and I'm powerless to fight it.

My mom says you have cameras everywhere. Does this include the grocery store? Because what happened last week was a fluke. I wasn't feeling well and she said "no" when I politely requested fruit snacks. Who could have known that my tantrum would knock over a display of paper towels? Perhaps it was fate because one of the packages ripped and it helped absorb the pee pee. I do that sometimes when I'm mad.

What I'm trying to say is that I wasn't perfect this year, but who is? Was mommy perfect when she told daddy she'd had those shoes "forever" even though I was there when she bought them the previous day? Was daddy perfect when he pretended to give me a bath and just sprinkled water in my face and then cleaned my downstairs parts with baby wipes? Was grandma perfect when she- actually she is perfect nevermind.

Santa, I know I have work to do. I'm trying very hard. Just yesterday my friend Charles took the green truck and you know what I did? I slapped him. I don't know where I was going with that story.

Point is, I'd very much like some gifts, please. Not a lot, just 30 or 40. Or 100. I'll even take someone else's presents if you want. They don't have to be fancy. My favorite toys right now include:

  • whatever someone else is playing with
  • full-sized working adult phones with a data plan
  • important mail
  • the remote control
  • all buttons
  • doors (for slamming purposes)
  • functioning light switches
You should know that I've been doing a better job at the dinner table. It only takes me an hour and a half to finish eating and I'm sitting down for at least 2-3 minutes of that. I'm still unofficially allergic to vegetables, seasonings, and things that aren't dinosaur nuggets, but the doctors are working tirelessly to get to the bottom of it. My main symptom is crying until I pee. I do that sometimes.

One thing I love about you, Mr. Claus, is how you accept people as they are. You value their unique qualities. Like with Rudolph. He's different because he has a red nose. And I'm different because I draw blood with my teeth. We're all special. Maybe one day I'll legally be a bear. 

Santa, you're a smart man. I admire your generosity. It inspires me to ask others to be generous with me. I ask that you look into your heart and find it in you to put me on the Nice List. 

If necessary, my grandma is willing to write me a letter of recommendation or serve as a character witness at the trial. 


Honest Toddler 

PS. If you get a letter from someone named Charles just trash it. Love you. 

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