8 Things Your Toddler Needs Right Now

Parenting is the most rewarding job in the world because while you don't get money, respect, or empathy and your health is on a rapid decline, you get to learn the true meaning of service.

By being a constant source of demands, your toddler is testing your commitment to them. As a bonus, you have the privilege of living life at a heightening sense of awareness which, if you think about it, makes you kind of like a distinguished butler or indentured superhero! Look at you!

Here Are 8 Things Your Toddler Needs Right Now

1. Your undivided attention. Turn off your phone. Don't just make the screen black, turn it off. Hold the power button for ten seconds. I have a story to share with you. It has no beginning, end, nouns, or plot, but don't you dare interrupt or I'll have to start over.

2. A snack. Toddlers generally need to refuel every 45-60 seconds. It would be better if you just didn't sit down. I'll have whatever we ran out of yesterday. A lot of it.

3. A snuggle. Toddlers love affection. You don't mind if I sit in your lap, do you? What are you reading? Let's go ahead and close that laptop. Whoever you're talking to on Skype surely isn't as important as your child, now are they? I sat on your bladder for nine months, why should today be any different? Let's stay like this forever.

4. Your food. What's that you have now? What is it? It looks like you're enjoying yourself. When you die everything you own will be mine so technically whatever's in that plate belongs to me. I'll take that bite now. Delicious. Six more should do the trick. Three more. Two more. Obviously I'm still growing so the last bite should be mine. Thank you.

5. Whatever is on the counter. What do you keep up there anyway? Secret candy? Gold coins? I don't trust you. I'm gonna need to push up a chair and see for myself. Spoiler alert: you're going to need a replacement driver's license soon.

6. Get off the phone. Who you chatting with there, mate? Got yourself a friend there, do you? What did I say about trying to contact the outside? You can hang up immediately or I can motivate you, the choice is yours. I've already left you a surprise somewhere in our home as punishment for this infraction. You'll have to sniff it out. Don't do this again.

7. Milk. No, juice No, milk. Maybe juice. Can you make me a smoothie? Actually water sounds good. I mean juice. I said chocolate milk. Why did you give me juice? Why do you hate me? You don't listen. Do you speak English? I wanted milk. Open your ears. I hate you right now. I hate everything. Juice. Time out? What for? Hitting you? That was my hand, not me. Ok, but first can I have some water? Smoothie.

8. To be held. Toddlers' legs are mostly for decoration. That said, I'll be needing you to pick me up and take me on a stroll through our lovely home. When we're out and about, bring the stroller if you must, but know that you'll be pushing it with one hand while toting your most precious cargo (me) in the other. Better yet, carry me facing out at chest level so I can push the stroller. That burning sensation in your arms? That's what unconditional love feels like. Enjoy.

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