A Toddler's Rules For The Babysitter
First of all:
1: No looking at me until I give you the signal. If you saw the signal that means you were looking at me and already broke the first rule. Good job.
2: I don't even really need you. I stay home by myself all the time. They just hired you in case I need to reach something high so don't get proud. Technically you're an intruder so I can call the police at anytime and have you brought up on charges.
3: You're not the boss of anyone.
4: Whatever money you make tonight needs to be split three ways* because without me you wouldn't even be here.
*My invisible friend's is named Rasputin. Say hi. Never mind he doesn't like you.
5. The TV is my private property so we won't be watching Say Yes To The Dress. Hope you like Bubble Guppies season two episode "Bubble Puppy's Fin-Tastic Fairytale Adventure" on repeat.
6. Let me play with your phone.
7. Bring snacks. It's customary when you go to someone's house to bring snacks.
8. I'm your employer and can fire you at will.
9. Since you're an independent contractor, you don't get benefits like house water, food, or making eye contact with me sorry I don't make the rules.
10. You may have heard some talk about a "bedtime." It's more of a guideline, really, and I'll let you know when it starts.
Bonus: For dinner I'd like fries. Don't try to make them because you don't know how and the McDonalds recipe is flawless. Pick them up on your way here.
FYI, I'm going to do some pretty intense crying before they leave. I may throw up or hyperventilate slightly, don't be alarmed, this is just to make sure I remain in their thoughts throughout the evening.
See you when I see you.