Halloween With A Toddler: Fact Vs. Fiction:

Adults love Halloween because it's the only time of year when they can pretend all that chocolate they're buying is for other people. It also provides endless Instagram opportunities which is like money to them.

Ever since Hansel and Gretel, parents have been obsessed with the idea of kids going out into the night to find them candy. You should know that if you consume your child's Halloween stash, they have technically worked for you as in independent contractor and therefore need to be given payment/W-9 or you are committing tax fraud.

Halloween is also special to young children because begging strangers for dessert is on every toddler's vision board.

Pinterest has given parents a false idea of how Halloween will go so I've written the following guide to help bring you back to reality (ie. kill your dreams).

Halloween With A Toddler: Fiction

Your toddler wakes up at 8AM dry and excited to see you. After peeing in the potty, the two of you enjoy a calm breakfast of toast and eggs while happily discussing their Halloween costume. Toddler eats both the white and yellow part of eggs. While the maid cleans up from breakfast, you and your toddler have a wonderful day doing educational crafts. At around 5PM you explain to your toddler the importance of eating a good dinner before trick-or-treating. Your toddler agrees with you and eats all of their organic chickpea curry with zucchini quinoa casserole. Your toddler doesn't poop during the meal or spill their water. After putting their plate into the sink with no problems, your toddler changes into their Halloween costume.

So many strangers have nice things to say about your toddler's homemade, funny, ironic, and delightfully gender-neutral costume. You and your toddler walk, hand in hand, down the street and enjoy the festivities. Your toddler never forgets to say "thank you" at each house and the candy givers look at you with admiration for having raised a polite, respectful child.

Your toddler sees a lesser child throwing a tantrum and offers them a hug. The tantruming child says, "Thanks, I just needed love." You shake your head sadly at that child's parents.

After ten houses your toddler says, "I'm tired. I would like to go home, please. Thank you for a wonderful Halloween celebration. I love you." You kiss your child on the head and begin the walk home.

Once you are inside, your toddler hands the candy bag to you and says, "Here. You take this. My teeth and body do not need the sugar and you deserve it. Will you help me brush and change for bed? I will be quick about it."

You get your toddler into bed and say goodnight. You then retire to your own bed with your well-earned candy knowing that your toddler will be asleep until late the next morning.

Halloween with A Toddler: Fact 

Your toddler wakes up at 4AM excited about Halloween and ready to go trick-or-treating immediately. You explain that not only is it still night outside hence the darkness, but trick-or-treating doesn't start for another 13 hours. Your toddler cries loudly waking up the entire house. You are exhausted but you abandon all thoughts of going back to sleep.

The next few hours are spent peeling urine-soaked pajamas from your child's body, making a breakfast nobody wants until it's time to throw it away, and watching children's programming.

At 5PM you tell your child it's time for trick-or-treating. Toddler is excited until you show them their expensive costume. What? Unfortunately, you failed to receive the costume change request that your toddler submitted yesterday via telepathy. Your toddler is devastated and disappointed in you. After some comforting, toddler agrees to wear the costume in exchange for all of your energy.

Toddler is excited to collect candy but can't quite get trick-or-treating down. They often forget to ring the doorbell and just stand there waiting for something to happen. Toddler doesn't understand the concept of "take one" and you spend a lot of time putting candy back into the communal bowl and apologizing to your neighbors. Instead of saying "thank you" your toddler stares blankly until it gets uncomfortable and your neighbor is forced to just slowly close their front door.

You walk up to a well-decorated house. A man in a zombie mask and live chainsaw jumps out of the bushes. Your toddler craps their pants and faints. You spend the next half hour comforting your child who is now scarred for life.

Toddler doesn't understand why they can't eat the candy right after they get it and challenges you to a fist fight.

Someone gives your toddler chips. Your toddler can't resist chips. You're only six houses in but your toddler is all done trick-or-treating because of the chips. Your toddler collapses on the sidewalk until the chips are opened. Your toddler eats the chip picnic-style on your neighbor's front lawn. Toddler finishes the chips then gets up to ring the same neighbor's doorbell to get another bag. You intervene, causing your toddler to scream like they're being abducted. The neighbors watch through their windows. You carry your toddler home.

Once at home your toddler decides that their costume cannot come off because it now their permanent exoskeleton. Your toddler is also now ready to feast on their spoils. Your toddler is furious that you allow them only one piece of candy and falls apart both spiritually and emotionally. After putting your toddler in a headlock to brush their teeth, you place your child in bed.

Your toddler suddenly remembers the chainsaw zombie man and needs to sleep in your bed for the rest of their childhood. 

Happy Halloween

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