Five Free Mother's Day Gift Ideas

Mother's Day is coming up quickly. Take some time today to decide on the perfect gift for the woman who has done so much for you. Spare no expense and buy her something she'll truly treasure. If you have change left over after getting grandma's present, grab something for your mom, too.

"She's been mean to me this year. Should I still get her a Mother's Day gift?" Even if she held your arm tight, you should still be the bigger person and get her a present. If you don't, she'll use it as an excuse to get all quiet and angry and don't you deal with that enough?

"I'm an out of work toddler and a little low on ends. Can I make her something." No. I have bad news for you: she hates all of your crafts. She hates them with the hot fiery hate of a thousand volcanoes. I know you think that macaroni necklace was a masterpiece but nobody in their right mind would want jewelry made out of refined carbohydrates. Don't believe me? Think back. Have you ever seen her wear it? Has she ever been going somewhere nice and said, "Oh I forgot my pantry necklace!" and ran back inside?

"Well, does she like my drawings?" Your mom likes your drawings about as much as she likes Spongebob's voice. We all know that she'd do anything to dissolve that fool in a bucket of chlorine bleach.

"Why doesn't she like my drawings?" BECAUSE YOU'RE A KID AND CAN'T DRAW GOOD. Your people look like potatoes, your grass looks like green downstairs hair, and some of you keep trying to pass off a pageful of lines as abstract art. Stop lying to yourself.

"She says she likes my art." She also says she's going to go off of sugar every single morning but by 11:30AM she's eating Nutella "for protein" amirite? You should know by now she'll say anything to make you feel good. Why?  Because she fears you.

"I think my drawings are good." Get out of here. Your art looks like a real painting that got put through the dishwasher twice, laid out on a hard surface to dry, and then set on fire. The ashes of that painting would probably sell for more than anything you have ever created in your short life. Calm down about your art.

"Ok, so what should I get her then. Like I said I don't have two nickles to rub together and even if I did she'd take them away."

Mother's Day Gift Guide. 100% Free Items

1. Letting Her Use The Bathroom By Herself

Hear me out. Letting anyone go into the bathroom by themselves is against everything toddlers stand/get picked up for. We know that waste elimination is best done under our watchful eye so that we can offer uncomfortable verbal commentary on their private parts.

Adults are in a constant struggle against intimacy. Not only are they embarrassed of their loose skin that looks like dead balloon animals, they feel undeserving of your friendship and keep trying to push you away. That's why even though this is listed on the gift guide DON'T GIVE IT TO HER. Let her know that you'll be there every time she goes potty from now until forever. Right by her side. Maybe even holding hands. Your gift is the gift of Supervision.

2. Sleep

When you were born, your parents via wrapping you in blankets became contractually obligated to include you in all activities for all time. The cutting of the umbilical cord was merely semantics and more about liability issues than anything else. Family means together. Family means including. Family means being so close at all times that when they take a deep breath, lots of your Co2 should be in it because you're at their face level just inches away.

A person on TV said, "You can go anywhere in your imagination." This frightening thought applies to dreams, too. When your parent dreams, they go somewhere and have an experience that you're not a part of. Offensive, to say the least. Remind her of her promise to take you everywhere not just while awake, but in the astral plane. Stay awake. Summon her at all hours with your yells. Why should she waste time doing unconscious nonsense that she might not even remember, when she could be tickling your back? Exactly. Your gift, is the gift of Alertness.

3. Hobbies & Friends

Before you were born, your parents were all over the place. Because they had no child to ground them in their home, they were constantly dizzy due to friendships, restaurant dinners, and music festivals. These outside interests made them sad plus angry because all anyone really wants is to watch a young child play on the floor (and get down and play for real making authentic sounds). The good news about this Mother's Day present is that you've already given it and there is no wrapping paper needed.

Without even trying you continually remind her what truly matters (you). You're like Cross Fit for her heart: she can't stop talking about you and she thinks about walking out. Keep this gift shiny by helping her stay focused. Is she talking on the phone? Shout like a lunatic gorilla on uppers. Is she on her way out the door? Go in for a hug and then release your stomach contents down her back. Is she planning on mom's night up? Ask a friend to give you a diarrhea virus. Your gift is the gift of Rightful Possession.

4. Homeliness

Looks aren't everything. A person's true worth is on the inside. Your mom's worn out face and old clothes tell the world, "I don't care anymore," and she only has you to thank. There was a time when she used a hairbrush and not her fingers to comb her hair. There was a time when she carried a nice purse instead of a backpack thrift store. Now instead of worrying about "trends" and "standards" she walk with pride no longer being defined by her tattered appearance. Your gift is the gift of Nonchalance.

5. Re-gift

Chances are that she'll want something to open and share a photo of on Facebook. Wrap up something she already owns. Good job.

Congrats! You're done shopping for Mother's Day and most of the gifts have already been delivered into her life on account of your behavior.

Note for Moms: Despite being called Mother's "Day" this observance is celebrated between 7-7:12AM. After that go back to your regular schedule. What I'm saying is get out of bed. 

Best Mother's Day Present in the World
Give Her The Gift of Reprimand, Instruction, & Ridicule

Order- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

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