The Holiday Gift Guide For Moms
This is a Toddlers Only (TO) Post so if you've said "Santa can see you right now" in the past 24 hours, please leave. Go get your eyebrows threaded.
Christmas is coming up and the special woman in your life deserves a gift. Once grandma is taken care of, buy something for your mom.
Being a mother is hard. I know because she can't stop saying it. Doesn't matter if it's a store clerk or a telemarketer, she never misses an opportunity to share her problems. A present might calm her down.
"Why can't Santa get her something?" Once you have a credit history Santa cuts you off for good.
"Mommy has her own money. Can't she buy a present for herself?" She buys items for herself all year, this is true. Just look at her Target receipts. But if you don't bring something item to the table on Christmas day she'll resent you forever
"Can't I make something?" Your art is garbage. I'm not trying to be mean. Just check the trash. Under the select-a-size paper towels you'll find all of the drawings you've ever made. When they said they liked your work they were protecting your feelings. You're very bad at design.
I've been observing my mom all year and have written this guide for your convenience.
Christmas Gift Ideas For Mom
1. Black Stretchy Pants
While women on television wear a variety of clothing including dresses and jeans, mothers are required by law to wear black stretchy pants day in and day out. These pants are a government-issued uniform which is why you see so many moms wearing the exact same ones. Unfortunately due to state budget cuts moms only get one pair. This causes many of them to live in the same threadbare ones 24 hours a day/7 days a week.
Why not surprise her with a new set? Now she can stay relatively fresh.
Why black? This color hides stains giving her the appearance of a clean person.
2. Baby Wipes
You may have noticed that you're not the only one using your wipes. While she's quick to insist that you take a daily bath, trust me she isn't holding herself to the same standard. Go ahead and pick her up a value pack of these with a little note that says: "You're dirty and I can smell you."
Parents talk about unconditional love but we know that's a bold-faced lie. Have you tried talking to an adult in the morning? Before they've had their first cup of coffee they look at you like a burglar. Try asking for breakfast before their coffee. You would think you asked them to co-sign on a home loan. Do yourself a favor and find coffee to give them the energy they need to burn your toast yet again.
I'm not going to lie; it hurts to see them hold that coffee mug to their chest like it's full of gold flakes. That's how they used to hold you, amirite? It's normal for you to feel like there is a love triangle between you, her, and the coffee. Rest assured that if she had to make a decision, while she would noticeably hesitate, in the end choose you.
4. Alone Time
I put this on here as a joke. The last thing you should give your mother is alone time because she'll miss you too much. Even a few minutes away to get something from the car or use the bathroom can be harmful to the parent/child relationship. It is my official recommendation that you not allow more than 2.5 inches between you and your mother. Ideally, your skin should be flush against hers at all times. You should breathe the same air.
Moms act like this bothers them, but trust me, they're secretly flattered. They might test your love by saying things like, "I can't hold you and your infant sibling at the same time," but they are just lying. She might say, "Don't jump on me while I'm feeding the baby," like that infant is the only young mammal in the house I WOULD LOVE MILK TOO THANKS FOR OFFERING. If you have a parent with low self-esteem they might push you away by creating fake diseases like "carpool tunnel syndrome." "I have carpool tunnel syndrome and it hurts to carry you all over the house."Carpool has to do with vehicles. Makes no sense. Again, this is a test. You weigh no more than a small bag of fragrant rice. Carpool tunnel syndrome. Ridiculous LOL.
5. The Gift of Constant Monitoring
This goes with Alone Time. Just because your umbilical cord broke does not mean you have to walk through life by yourself. There are so many ways to be sure she doesn't leave you AND make the holidays truly magical this year.
- Rope: Who doesn't want to open a box and find 10-15ft of good strong rope? An old fashioned rope tied around her waist and yours will ensure that where she goes, you go. The good thing about rope is that you can find it at most stores and it is water resistant (for showers). Rope comes in a lot of colors. You can get even get black to match her pants. She's going to smile so big.
- Zip Tie Hand Cables: Ok hear me out. I know these are usually used to restrain people on COPS but they can also help someone hold your hand if they can't stop checking TMZ.
6. Extra Large Jump Wine Glass
Your mother will be excited to see this. These glasses hold a 750ml bottle of wine. Toddler, right now you are thinking, "Ok so you know my mom well but how does this gift help me?" With this glass she won't have to leave the room for a refill during bedtime stories. Maybe she'll even read more than two books and let you have some water. The holidays are when dreams come true.
If you don't have any money, you can always give her something you stole and hid a long time ago like car keys, phone charger or her debit card. As a bonus, you'll get to see her angry face which is always funny.
One of these days, your child will be old enough to learn the truth about Santa.
Are you ready?
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