Mother's Day Gift Guide

Mother's Day is coming up and around the world female parents are asking themselves, "Do I deserve anything?" Even if your mom has only been "hug good" and not "present good" you still need to spend money.

If you haven't purchased a gift yet, you are playing with your life. Your mom may have said something like, "Don't worry about me, you are my gift" but mothers say a lot of things. "Just one more bite" springs to mind. If on Sunday morning you have nothing for her to unwrap, things won't go well for you.

When it comes to picking out a Mother's Day gift do not rely on your instincts. Last year I gave my mom a drawing using no less than three different colors of crayon. Ask me where it is today. On the fridge? No. Framed on the mantle? Wrong again. It's in a landfill or part of a robin's nest.

I spent the last 12 months studying the behavior of mothers to see what kinds of gifts they would truly treasure. If you get the right one maybe she'll take a break from complaining.

Mother's Day Gift Guide: Do's and Don'ts

1. Juice 

tumblr_m8gokjXU2c1qj0ao7Large juice boxes can be found in grocery stores. The most popular fruit flavor with adult women right now is "Franzia." Mothers like to drink their juice leaning against something while looking at their kids and the clock. Mostly the clock.


2. Time with Friends

On Mother's Day she's going to want to spend time with people she really likes. While she's on Twitter you can sit in her lap. You'll get between 3-7 warnings when it comes to touching the keyboard before being placed on the floor.

3. Flowers

Nothing says "I love you" like fresh flowers. Save money and time by borrowing them from a neighbor. Wait until they're not home to avoid controversy. If they ask you about it based on the mud tracks from their yard to yours, sing the following to them loudly:

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

then skip to

You can own the Earth and still
All you'll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

You might still go to jail.



1. Alone Time

To the naked eye it may seem like mothers like to be alone- they way they lock themselves in the bathroom, sit in the car for a long time after returning from the grocery store, or burrow in the corner of closets with magazines and Reese's Cups. Moms are not looking for privacy, they are playing an unofficial game of hide & seek. You can tell from the scared/surprised look in their eyes when you find them that it's a game. On Mother's Day, be sure to hunt the woman you love.

2. Jewelry

Jewelry encourages dressing up which encourages going out which can easily lead to babysitters. Other shiny alternatives to jewelry include aluminum foil and shards of glass. Flashlights turned on and off quickly can be a substitute in a pinch.

3. Cards

Giving cards is hostile. Mail is not presents. You didn't even write the poem. If all you have is $3, a box of cereal would be better. Greeting cards are like farts: something small to let you know something even bigger is on its way.

This is the best advice I can give you for Mother's Day*. If you want to listen to the TV and buy a "No No" machine so that she can gently burn the hair off her skin, that's on you.

*Please keep in mind that Mother's "Day" is a marketing term and the holiday is celebrated on Sunday from  7-7:15AM after which you'll be expected to pick up your regularly scheduled duties u mad?



Indie Bound

Barnes & Noble

Chapters Indigo

Amazon UK

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