Contact: Rosemary Smith, Chucky Allen
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
34TH ANNUAL TODDLER UNIFICATION Conference
ORLANDO, FLORIDA AUGUST 10-11, 2012
sponsored by Band-Aid
The Toddler Council of Tremendous Praise would like to formally invite you and a guest to the 34th annual Toddler Unification Conference to be held in Orlando, Florida this August 10-11, 2012.
Special guests include the man creepily tickling the sleepy child's palm in the opening scenes of In the Night Garden. Below you will find the full conference schedule.
9AM: You Can Cry Louder: Allow our vocal coaches to help you push the limits of your banshee call. Your wails will now not only be heard by neighbors but by higher life form in deep space. If you haven't shattered the ear drums or created a permanent eye-twitch in a parent within three weeks a free follow-up e-course will be provided.
10AM: Is She Serious?: "I'm going to count to three!" "If you do that one more time...!" Have you been wondering how to distinguish an empty threat from a real one? We'll break it down for you. Hint: They're all empty.
11AM: Flip That Plate!: The key to perfect mealtime plate flipping technique is speed. Learn from some of our most qualified food ninjas how to send your food flying! *Bring a change of clothes
Noon: Stop & Flop: Why just crumple to the floor when you can nail the Stop & Flop. You'll be the envy of all of the toddlers in the grocery store with this advanced move. Bonus: Learn how to achieve deadweight in 10 seconds or less.
LUNCH: At this time refined carbohydrates will be scattered about the conference floor. Please help yourself.
Directly following lunch will be a No Nap time. Feel free to jump up and down screaming in one of the cribs provided.
2PM Potty Avoidance: Learn the signs of potty readiness and how to avoid exhibiting them. This workshop comes with a 6-month potty training delay guarantee. If you've already been trained, a special guide to reverting back to diapers will be included at no charge. Trust us, your parents will blame themselves.
After 3PM all toddlers must return to their hotel rooms to commence the losing of their minds for the day. We look forward to seeing you again tomorrow.
9AM: Daddy, Beautiful Daddy: Spend an hour writing love poems and creating appreciation art for the dad in your life. Isn't he great?
10AM: Grievance List for Mom: We're not here to point fingers, we're here to help you craft a 6-10 page double-sided single-lined list of ways your mother can improve.
11AM: Toddler on Toddler Crime: This workshop was previously called "Keep Your Dirty Hands Off My Toys I Hate You" and aims to help reduce conflict in the toddler community. Teething is no excuse for hitting. Unless they asked for it.
Noon: Awards Ceremony. Please join us as we honor those who have managed to have never slept through the night or tasted a vegetable. Be inspired.
We look forward to seeing all of you. For more information please call 415-555-6294 or contact your nearest playground representative.