Dear Dr. Phil

Dear Dr. Phil,

As I type this, there is dry snot all over my face from a restless night of crying. I've seen your show and admire how you facilitate healing amongst families.

I'm writing to all 11ft of you today because last night, my mother, my heart, my soul and my reason for being (when daddy is unavailable) did the unthinkable. She left me, Dr. Phil. AT NIGHT.

At approximately 9PM I was informed that she was not in our home and had made her way to a local TGI Fridays to meet up with friends. I didn't even know she had friends. I was also unaware that the car is able to start without me screaming from my carseat.

I'd be lying if I said she'd never done this before but usually during the day to "work."

You see, we have a little bit of a nightly routine, a dance, that I have become dependent on. It's quite sweet actually and we both enjoy it tremendously. She puts me in bed and then for the next hour I make little requests. Nothing major, just kisses, water, blanket adjustments, answers to questions about life, medical care for fake boo boos. The walk back and forth between her bedroom and mine is the only cardio she gets.

Without a doubt you're as shocked as I am that a seemingly respectable woman would leave the baby she carried for 42 very comfortable weeks to share mediocre appetizers with other neglectful mothers. I had hoped that she would be less of a follower, more of a leader but what can I do. What can I do.

If this is about the labor experience, I've already apologized profusely. How was I supposed to know that coming sunny side up isn't ideal. Tell me. How is a 7lb unborn supposed to know that. Perhaps if I'd had the opportunity to review the birth plan before contractions started SQUEEZING ME THROUGH AN IMPOSSIBLY SMALL BIRTH CANAL I could have taken the time to prepare. Just to let you know, hearing your mother say things like, "I hate this" and "Someone kill me" doesn't make a baby excited to enter the world.

I overheard my mom this morning saying that she feels "renewed" and full of energy. That energy came directly from my life force.

Dr. Phil the giant, I am a forgiving toddler. My primary concern is how to rebuild trust and make sure she doesn't leave my peripheral vision again. Ever.

I'd like you to administer a lie detector test to my mom and ask her the following questions:

  • Are you truly sorry for choosing your friends over me last night?

  • Do you really think someone your age should shop at Forever 21?

  • Do you or do you not have chocolate hidden all over the house?

  • Do you really have Santa's home phone number and has he been made aware of what happened with the iPad?

I've included some notes below for your producers regarding my family's backstory for the show's opening montage.

Honest Toddler is a beautifully gifted, even tempered child who loves the occasional piece of cake. HT's father is kind, patient, and has super human strength. The mother of the family looks and smells like angel wings but is allowing outside influences to cloud her judgement. She always thinks she smells something burning.

In terms of appropriate punishments, I've been brainstorming.

  • house arrest

  • cake baking marathon

  • allowing me unrestricted access to her purse indefinitely

I look forward to your reply.


PS. Please refrain from looking me directly in the eye when we meet in person.

Popular Posts