Pinterest is Making You Dumb

I appreciate innovation. Attached to my sleep cage is a fisher price ocean wonders aquarium. It plays (slightly out of tune) music including pachelbel's canon in d, the plastic fish move around, there are bubbles, lights- clearly this device is a work of intelligent engineering and passion.

Contrast my aquarium with eggs "hard boiled" in an oven. Which ones of these is amazing and which one is a stupid idea.

Pinterest has convinced mothers around the world that mundane, mediocre, disgusting, dangerous, and ridiculous are "life-changing" and "brilliant."

Instead of staring at their children with joy and amazement dancing in their pupils, these female parents are transfixed to pages upon pages of images that are both irrelevant and uninteresting. Hours of engaging in this activity has resulted in a loss of brain cells and subsequently, a lowered IQ.

Riddle me this: how are you going to stimulate my young mind when yours is being dulled?

I'll let the evidence speak for itself.

What you're looking at is a pirate cake, probably for a 1st or 2nd birthday party.

Angie finds this photo definitely interesting and there is not a doubt in my mind that she is still staring at this photo right now trying to comprehend its intricacies. Arica felt the need to type out the comment, "nice Pirate" in between studying for the bar and obtaining her rocket science degree. Micaela is intoxicated. Julie finds this cake "good." Thanks for chiming in, Julie. And sweet Jacquline (hate typing out that name), the typical over-enthused Pinterst user, is in love.

Another problem with Pinterest is that it has created herd trend mentality. One genius becomes obsessed with an concept, like salted caramel, and suddenly everyone is transfixed and spends hours trying to out do each other with ridiculous applications of said trend. Salted caramel nail art. Salted caramel-themed weddings. There are no limits.

Right now, the zombies are focused on cake batter. Don't try to make sense of it.

Cake batter cookies. Cake batter dip (barf). Cake batter martinis (ps. it's not a matini if it's served in a tumbler). What is "cake batter" flavor? Eggs, sugar, and butter?

I wouldn't be surprised if there are moles on Pinterest who come up with these trends just to laugh at people who, pun intended, gobble them right up. How else can you explain the "overnight oatmeal" explosion? Suddenly the five-minute process of cooking oats the morning you actually want to consume them is too laborious? Does hot cereal really require overnight prep?

Mmmm, food soaked for 10+ hours sounds so delicious. Tell me, will it melt in my mouth and have the consistency of puss? I hope so!

Hayle, on the other hand is amazed and like all Pinteresters, is definitely going to give it a try. Do your best, Hayle. I know this is a big project. Break it into small tasks over several days.

I'm going to leave you with one more pin. If this doesn't INSPIRE you to immediate delete your Pinterest account and recommit yourself to the toddler in your life then you should probably never vote or operate a vehicle because I don't think you're smart enough for either of those responsibilities.

*drops mic*

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