Babies Against Fake Milk

There are two kinds of acceptable milk. The kind that cows pee and the kind that moms make. Toddlers are not fools. When you hand us a sippy cup full of soaked almond residue, we not only question your integrity, but your intelligence.

The following substances are NOT milk by any stretch of the imagination:

Almond milk

Soy milk

Hemp milk

Oat milk

and of course we can't forget RICE milk

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I made rice milk once by accidentally knocking a glass of water into my plate at a Japanese restaurant. Can I have my billion dollars now for inventing a miracle? No. Because mixing a random biological substance with water or squeezing the liquid out of it does not make milk. By this logic, apple juice is actually apple milk. Orange juice, orange milk. The drippings from wet laundry, cotton milk.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

The next time I get served a glass of water mysterious anticipate a scratch to the cornea.

Sincerely, HT

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