Thursday, October 9, 2014

Whitney Houston's Greatest Love of All Rewritten By A Toddler

Greatest Love Of All

(press play and then scroll down and sing over the original)

Dedicated to someone special who knows how to treat a person. <3

I believe the children are our future
Pick them up but let them lead the way
Show them how to run up the playground slide
Give them a sip of Sprite
To make it easier,
Let their 2AM problems,
Remind you of how you how you used to sleep

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
Someone nice to fulfill all their snack time needs
Give them some shredded cheese
Not kale chips or broccoli


I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's hand hold
If I fall, if I pee pee
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter how I try to reach
I can't take off my backpack leash
Because the greatest love of all
Ain't mommy or daddy
I found the greatest love of all
She's my Grammy
The greatest love of all
Buys all the toys you need
She'll never make you wipe yourself
She is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Pick them up but let them lead the way
Show them how to run up the playground slide
Give them a sip of Sprite
To make it easier,
Let their 2AM problems,
Remind you of how you used to sleep


And if, by chance, that mom or dad
That you just tried to shove
Leads you to the naughty step
Call your grandmamaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

My enemy's book. Buy and burn/explode it.

Toddlers Are A**holes on Amazon

Friday, May 9, 2014

I Don't Know If I Love You

I don't know if I love you.

I don't know what those words mean.

But I can tell you that you are my sun
that the day does not truly begin until you rise
and the warmth that is like a halo around you beams down on me
and holds my pajama-ed body next to yours.
You are my sun.

I don't know if I love you, but you are my moon.
When night comes
whether it is the darkening of the sky for the entire world 
or just for me as I become
once again
lost in emotions 3, no 4, times my size
struggling against the waves of my own tears
agitated rapids 
the undertow of the moment pulling me down
taking me prisoner
fighting for breath and rights
you, a beacon of light wax bright and steady
guiding me home.

I don't know if I love you, but you are my tree.
Rich with good things.
Plump fruit in the form of kisses
your palm glides across my head
through my hair.
You caress my cheeks with your branches.
When the world swirls too fast and loud
I know I can always find shelter at the base of your trunk
and shade under your fronds.
You purify the air around me.
You are my tree.

I don't know if I love you, but your voice is my song.
There is a place in the deepest part of me
that only your tune can unlock
that only your tune can stir.
When you laugh it's a cool breeze on a sweaty day.
I want another and another
and become a puppet entertainer
doing anything to hear that tinkling giggle.
When you're angry, it's a wintery blizzard.
I feel the chill in my bones and the ice on my face
but then even, I move closer to you for comfort from you.
When you're sad, it's a quiet low whistle 
and I pull myself into your lap
drawing long ribbons of whatever ails you out through your heart
throwing them down on the floor.

I don't know if I love you
because I've heard others use those words
and since they can't possibly have what we do
they must not be enough.

But in the off chance that I do
since I'm not sure 
it's seems right that I should say it
so, mama
I love you. 

Happy Mother's Day

I wrote this

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Target CEO Application

Dear Target,

I heard you guys are in a tough spot and are looking for a new CEO. Please consider this my official bid for the position. My application is below. Thank you for your consideration. (I am sorry about what happened today, I was not aware of your pants-on policy).

 Name: Honest Toddler
Age: This many
Current occupation: Motivator, Personal Coach


-Wait, I did watch Sesame Street letters A-Z
-Super Why Seasons 1-4 completed
-Draws Often
-I held a pack of flashcards in my hand once but did not learn
-College. I mean Collage. I made a Collage with paper before. 


-Waking Up Early
-Making Meals Difficult
-Eating Garbage/Floor Food
-Able To Detect Tap Water In Juice
-Able To Detect Vegetables In Meatballs
-Communicating With Animals/Nature (You can't prove I can't)
-Attention To Details
-Quality Control

Extracurricular Activities:

-Wow Wow Wubzy
-Grandma's house
-Big Bed
-Standing in Kitchen Asking About Dinner

Name your biggest strength: 

My leg muscles. Everyone I have kicked has had tears in their eyes. Adults and children friends, too.

Where do you see yourself in five years:

Hopefully I will have my own place and my own iPad. 

Name a time you made the best out of a bad situation: 

One time there were spices on my pizza in a restaurant. I wanted plain cheese pizza so I cried until I throwed up.

Thank you, Target. I know you are an equal opportunity employer so you are forced to read this under the penalty of perjury. I promise to be a wonderful, caring CEO to all my servants. love, HT

PS. I want to be paid in $10s an $20s


Order- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Why Is My Toddler Out Of Bed BINGO

You're not tired are you? OH GOOD! Let the games begin YAY!

Best Mother's Day Present in the World

Give Her The Gift of Laughter because all 
you usually do is make her cry. 

Order- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Understanding Facebook: Blessed

Toddlers, understanding adults is difficult. Half the time they're talking nonsense about keeping your shoes on in Costco so you already know they like to talk crazy.

There are two kinds of English in the adult vernacular: Everyday English and Facebook English. Everyday English consists of letters that make up words to form sentences.

Facebook English is a jingle jangle of letters, pictures, lies, and anxiety. It's a complicated code that I am dedicated to helping you crack so that when you're an adult and assigned a mandatory account, you'll be ready.

The first word in Facebook English that we will learn is one of the most common.

1. #Blessed

In Everyday English, being blessed can be defined as experiencing divine providence or being endowed with good favor.

In Facebook English, #Blessed is an accounting term that adults use to keep track of expenditures. #Blessed helps categorize debits in a visual manner: vacation photos, jewelry, new homes, etc.

Paper receipts are useful but having photos of valuables in an online Facebook #Blessed file is critical for business.

Tax Person: "I see that you are claiming to have visited an exotic location with your family in the year 2013. What a liar you are."

Adult: "Now hold on just a second. Every moment from my trip can be found. Search my #Blessed file. It's all right there! Every single moment and meal are all there! I even filed them in #Blessed for you!"

Tax Person: "I am so sorry, esteemed colleague. I remember your #Blessed photos. My mistake."

Adult: "I forgive you."

Ways To Practice Being #Blessed

Toddler, you might not have a checking account to be #Blessed through, but you can practice using #Blessed in your daily life.

1. The next time you have a friend over lead them around your home. Each time you pass a toy that you like, touch it and say "BLESSED" with a hand over your heart and eyes closed.

Don't let your friend touch or look too hard at this toy because you're the #BLESSED one, not them.

Frequently asked question: Why does my friend need to be there? An audience is a critical part of being #Blessed because you're only #Blessed to the degree that they are not #Blessed.

2. Count your #Blessings. How many toys do you have with an estimated value of $25+? Take inventory even if it's just crudely drawn check marks on an empty cereal box. This will help you recognize how #Blessed you currently are so that you'll have a goal for how #Blessed you want to be in the future. It's good to have dreams.

3. Visit your grandparents. Spend time with your family. Play with your friends. Being with people gives them the opportunity to #Bless you with gifts and/or gift cards that can be used to purchase the gifts of your choice. Hopefully your blessings include gift receipts.

Community is everything. No man is an island. You have to at least be a peninsula with one arm out to receive #Blessings for your #Blessed File.

Good luck, toddlers. May you all be blessed.*

*slightly less than me

Order my book if you want to be OK