Wednesday, November 12, 2014

How To Get Kicked Out Of Preschool II

This is a toddlers only post. If you think there is a such thing as "soup weather" get out of here.

It's November and some of you have been in preschool for a couple of months now. Listening, rules, a schedule: I know you hate it. Adults sign their kids up for preschool not because they want you to be a success in life, but because their biggest fear is that you'll live with them forever. You can fight back by getting kicked out before the holiday season. It's easier than you think!

Follow my handy guide and you'll be back at home before you can say "Non Refundable Deposit." Good luck!

Friday, October 31, 2014

Halloween With A Toddler: Reality Vs. Fiction:

Adults love Halloween because it's the only time of year when they can pretend all that chocolate they're buying is for other people. It also provides endless Instagram opportunities which is like money to them.

Ever since Hansel and Gretel parents have been obsessed with the idea of kids going out into the night to find them candy. You should know that if you consume your child's Halloween stash, they have technically worked for you as in independent contractor and therefore need to be given payment/W-9 or you are committing tax fraud.

Halloween is also special to young children because begging strangers for dessert is on every toddler's vision board.

Pinterest has given parents a false idea of how Halloween will go so I've written the following guide to help bring you back to reality (ie. kill your dreams).

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Whitney Houston's Greatest Love of All Rewritten By A Toddler

Greatest Love Of All

(press play and then scroll down and sing over the original)

Dedicated to someone special who knows how to treat a person. <3

I believe the children are our future
Pick them up but let them lead the way
Show them how to run up the playground slide
Give them a sip of Sprite
To make it easier,
Let their 2AM problems,
Remind you of how you how you used to sleep

Everybody's searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
Someone nice to fulfill all their snack time needs
Give them some shredded cheese
Not kale chips or broccoli


I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's hand hold
If I fall, if I pee pee
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter how I try to reach
I can't take off my backpack leash
Because the greatest love of all
Ain't mommy or daddy
I found the greatest love of all
She's my Grammy
The greatest love of all
Buys all the toys you need
She'll never make you wipe yourself
She is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Pick them up but let them lead the way
Show them how to run up the playground slide
Give them a sip of Sprite
To make it easier,
Let their 2AM problems,
Remind you of how you used to sleep


And if, by chance, that mom or dad
That you just tried to shove
Leads you to the naughty step
Call your grandmamaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

My enemy's book. Buy and burn/explode it.

Toddlers Are A**holes on Amazon

Friday, May 9, 2014

I Don't Know If I Love You

I don't know if I love you.

I don't know what those words mean.

But I can tell you that you are my sun
that the day does not truly begin until you rise
and the warmth that is like a halo around you beams down on me
and holds my pajama-ed body next to yours.
You are my sun.

I don't know if I love you, but you are my moon.
When night comes
whether it is the darkening of the sky for the entire world 
or just for me as I become
once again
lost in emotions 3, no 4, times my size
struggling against the waves of my own tears
agitated rapids 
the undertow of the moment pulling me down
taking me prisoner
fighting for breath and rights
you, a beacon of light wax bright and steady
guiding me home.

I don't know if I love you, but you are my tree.
Rich with good things.
Plump fruit in the form of kisses
your palm glides across my head
through my hair.
You caress my cheeks with your branches.
When the world swirls too fast and loud
I know I can always find shelter at the base of your trunk
and shade under your fronds.
You purify the air around me.
You are my tree.

I don't know if I love you, but your voice is my song.
There is a place in the deepest part of me
that only your tune can unlock
that only your tune can stir.
When you laugh it's a cool breeze on a sweaty day.
I want another and another
and become a puppet entertainer
doing anything to hear that tinkling giggle.
When you're angry, it's a wintery blizzard.
I feel the chill in my bones and the ice on my face
but then even, I move closer to you for comfort from you.
When you're sad, it's a quiet low whistle 
and I pull myself into your lap
drawing long ribbons of whatever ails you out through your heart
throwing them down on the floor.

I don't know if I love you
because I've heard others use those words
and since they can't possibly have what we do
they must not be enough.

But in the off chance that I do
since I'm not sure 
it's seems right that I should say it
so, mama
I love you. 

Happy Mother's Day

I wrote this

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Target CEO Application

Dear Target,

I heard you guys are in a tough spot and are looking for a new CEO. Please consider this my official bid for the position. My application is below. Thank you for your consideration. (I am sorry about what happened today, I was not aware of your pants-on policy).

 Name: Honest Toddler
Age: This many
Current occupation: Motivator, Personal Coach


-Wait, I did watch Sesame Street letters A-Z
-Super Why Seasons 1-4 completed
-Draws Often
-I held a pack of flashcards in my hand once but did not learn
-College. I mean Collage. I made a Collage with paper before. 


-Waking Up Early
-Making Meals Difficult
-Eating Garbage/Floor Food
-Able To Detect Tap Water In Juice
-Able To Detect Vegetables In Meatballs
-Communicating With Animals/Nature (You can't prove I can't)
-Attention To Details
-Quality Control

Extracurricular Activities:

-Wow Wow Wubzy
-Grandma's house
-Big Bed
-Standing in Kitchen Asking About Dinner

Name your biggest strength: 

My leg muscles. Everyone I have kicked has had tears in their eyes. Adults and children friends, too.

Where do you see yourself in five years:

Hopefully I will have my own place and my own iPad. 

Name a time you made the best out of a bad situation: 

One time there were spices on my pizza in a restaurant. I wanted plain cheese pizza so I cried until I throwed up.

Thank you, Target. I know you are an equal opportunity employer so you are forced to read this under the penalty of perjury. I promise to be a wonderful, caring CEO to all my servants. love, HT

PS. I want to be paid in $10s an $20s


Order- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting.