Looking for one person to serve as MOMMY. This is an unpaid position. It's actually more of an internship. An indentured servitude kind of gig. Think butler, but without the fancy suit, respect or vacation days. The salary isn't in paper money but you'll be given full room and board (you'll get bills for these expenses).
Experience taking caring of children is not required or wanted as it's better if you don't know what to expect. This will cut down on the shock.
Applicant will be under contract for the next 18+ years. Once given the job, applicant must sever all ties with friends, limiting outside communications to Facebook and the occasional chat with a mail carrier. Depending on your performance and ability to slip out of the house unnoticed, you will be given one Mom's Night Out a year followed by a three-day headache.
Me: A child. Beautiful, innocent and curious/spirited
You: A warm, happy, loving and generous person who doesn't freak out over little things like poop under their fingernails or someone throwing up hot vomit on their face. You revel challenges like unloading ten bags of groceries while having a young child yell at your for food at the same time. You don't need, or like, to be by yourself. You prefer the 24/7 company of people under four feet.
Your arms are strong enough to carry a small child whenever they ask. Sentences like, "You have two legs. Walk," make you sick to your stomach.
Taking a bath alone sounds like a nightmare to you and you would much rather bathe with a young friend, 28 plastic toys/kitchen utensils, and a small amount of urine. Speaking of pee pee, you enjoy the smell of feces and cleaning it up makes you feel important. You always wait for people to come to you about poo poo and don't follow them around asking intrusive, rude questions. You've never heard of potty training before and have no problem with changing someone's diapers up until age 10.
Meals: You love assembling snacks so much that you do it every 5-7 minutes having to be asked. If the snacks aren't eaten, you say nothing and save them for when they're requested many hours later. While some people in the world like to sit down for dinner, you find that boring. "Why remain seating when I can get up every time someone needs something?" is your motto. If nobody likes your food you accept their constructive criticism without getting mad and taking a glass of wine into your bedroom.
Living quarters: You will live under the same roof as your client. The sight of toys everywhere is as beautiful as a sunset to you. The image of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich under a couch makes you giggle with delight. Lotion smeared on a couch causes you to weep happy tears. Mountains of laundry get you all crazy excited.
Important Note: You may come into this position with personal belongings but once you've been hired these items become communal in nature. This includes your body which on rainy days can serve as a skin covered jungle gym. You're not the kind of selfish person who would have a problem with someone using their abdomen as a trampoline.
It's important that the applicant hate sleep. "Why doze off when you can talk to a small child about their pajamas or give them a cracker," is something you say at a party. The applicant knows that rubbing someone's back for a few (12) hours every night is how to earn a favorable performance review.
Hours: It's up to you. Either way you're going to face considerable public criticism. Get ready for that.
Appearance: Please note that this position may result in personal hygiene standards lowering. Some have reported hair and memory loss.
Dress Code: If accepted for the position, applicant will be given a standard set of black yoga pants and dirty shirt. Once they become threadbare, a new set will be distributed at your own cost.
Preorder my book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting (Coming to stores April 22, 2014)