Friday, May 9, 2014

I Don't Know If I Love You

I don't know if I love you.

I don't know what those words mean.

But I can tell you that you are my sun
that the day does not truly begin until you rise
and the warmth that is like a halo around you beams down on me
and holds my pajama-ed body next to yours.
You are my sun.

I don't know if I love you, but you are my moon.
When night comes
whether it is the darkening of the sky for the entire world 
or just for me as I become
once again
lost in emotions 3, no 4, times my size
struggling against the waves of my own tears
agitated rapids 
the undertow of the moment pulling me down
taking me prisoner
fighting for breath and rights
you, a beacon of light wax bright and steady
guiding me home.

I don't know if I love you, but you are my tree.
Rich with good things.
Plump fruit in the form of kisses
your palm glides across my head
through my hair.
You caress my cheeks with your branches.
When the world swirls too fast and loud
I know I can always find shelter at the base of your trunk
and shade under your fronds.
You purify the air around me.
You are my tree.

I don't know if I love you, but your voice is my song.
There is a place in the deepest part of me
that only your tune can unlock
that only your tune can stir.
When you laugh it's a cool breeze on a sweaty day.
I want another and another
and become a puppet entertainer
doing anything to hear that tinkling giggle.
When you're angry, it's a wintery blizzard.
I feel the chill in my bones and the ice on my face
but then even, I move closer to you for comfort from you.
When you're sad, it's a quiet low whistle 
and I pull myself into your lap
drawing long ribbons of whatever ails you out through your heart
throwing them down on the floor.

I don't know if I love you
because I've heard others use those words
and since they can't possibly have what we do
they must not be enough.

But in the off chance that I do
since I'm not sure 
it's seems right that I should say it
so, mama
I love you. 

Happy Mother's Day

I wrote this

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Target CEO Application

Dear Target,

I heard you guys are in a tough spot and are looking for a new CEO. Please consider this my official bid for the position. My application is below. Thank you for your consideration. (I am sorry about what happened today, I was not aware of your pants-on policy).

 Name: Honest Toddler
Age: This many
Current occupation: Motivator, Personal Coach


-Wait, I did watch Sesame Street letters A-Z
-Super Why Seasons 1-4 completed
-Draws Often
-I held a pack of flashcards in my hand once but did not learn
-College. I mean Collage. I made a Collage with paper before. 


-Waking Up Early
-Making Meals Difficult
-Eating Garbage/Floor Food
-Able To Detect Tap Water In Juice
-Able To Detect Vegetables In Meatballs
-Communicating With Animals/Nature (You can't prove I can't)
-Attention To Details
-Quality Control

Extracurricular Activities:

-Wow Wow Wubzy
-Grandma's house
-Big Bed
-Standing in Kitchen Asking About Dinner

Name your biggest strength: 

My leg muscles. Everyone I have kicked has had tears in their eyes. Adults and children friends, too.

Where do you see yourself in five years:

Hopefully I will have my own place and my own iPad. 

Name a time you made the best out of a bad situation: 

One time there were spices on my pizza in a restaurant. I wanted plain cheese pizza so I cried until I throwed up.

Thank you, Target. I know you are an equal opportunity employer so you are forced to read this under the penalty of perjury. I promise to be a wonderful, caring CEO to all my servants. love, HT

PS. I want to be paid in $10s an $20s


Order- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Monday, May 5, 2014

Why Is My Toddler Out Of Bed BINGO

You're not tired are you? OH GOOD! Let the games begin YAY!

Best Mother's Day Present in the World

Give Her The Gift of Laughter because all 
you usually do is make her cry. 

Order- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Understanding Facebook: Blessed

Toddlers, understanding adults is difficult. Half the time they're talking nonsense about keeping your shoes on in Costco so you already know they like to talk crazy.

There are two kinds of English in the adult vernacular: Everyday English and Facebook English. Everyday English consists of letters that make up words to form sentences.

Facebook English is a jingle jangle of letters, pictures, lies, and anxiety. It's a complicated code that I am dedicated to helping you crack so that when you're an adult and assigned a mandatory account, you'll be ready.

The first word in Facebook English that we will learn is one of the most common.

1. #Blessed

In Everyday English, being blessed can be defined as experiencing divine providence or being endowed with good favor.

In Facebook English, #Blessed is an accounting term that adults use to keep track of expenditures. #Blessed helps categorize debits in a visual manner: vacation photos, jewelry, new homes, etc.

Paper receipts are useful but having photos of valuables in an online Facebook #Blessed file is critical for business.

Tax Person: "I see that you are claiming to have visited an exotic location with your family in the year 2013. What a liar you are."

Adult: "Now hold on just a second. Every moment from my trip can be found. Search my #Blessed file. It's all right there! Every single moment and meal are all there! I even filed them in #Blessed for you!"

Tax Person: "I am so sorry, esteemed colleague. I remember your #Blessed photos. My mistake."

Adult: "I forgive you."

Ways To Practice Being #Blessed

Toddler, you might not have a checking account to be #Blessed through, but you can practice using #Blessed in your daily life.

1. The next time you have a friend over lead them around your home. Each time you pass a toy that you like, touch it and say "BLESSED" with a hand over your heart and eyes closed.

Don't let your friend touch or look too hard at this toy because you're the #BLESSED one, not them.

Frequently asked question: Why does my friend need to be there? An audience is a critical part of being #Blessed because you're only #Blessed to the degree that they are not #Blessed.

2. Count your #Blessings. How many toys do you have with an estimated value of $25+? Take inventory even if it's just crudely drawn check marks on an empty cereal box. This will help you recognize how #Blessed you currently are so that you'll have a goal for how #Blessed you want to be in the future. It's good to have dreams.

3. Visit your grandparents. Spend time with your family. Play with your friends. Being with people gives them the opportunity to #Bless you with gifts and/or gift cards that can be used to purchase the gifts of your choice. Hopefully your blessings include gift receipts.

Community is everything. No man is an island. You have to at least be a peninsula with one arm out to receive #Blessings for your #Blessed File.

Good luck, toddlers. May you all be blessed.*

*slightly less than me

Order my book if you want to be OK

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Mother's Day Gifts For Wine Lovers

This is a Toddlers Only post. If you sleep on a $99 Babies R Us mattress that feels like scrap metal in a pillowcase, keep reading.

Mother's Day is coming up. It might just help if we stop pretending they want anything other than wine & wine accessories.

What is wine?

Wine is a beverage that helps adults relax and forget how many children they can truly afford. Adults use wine to celebrate special moments in their life like sunset or walking to the kitchen. Wine is enjoyed with many foods but it pairs especially well with sadness. Parents like to drink wine while watching the theater or infomercials for Hip Hop Abs. "Wine o'clock," as parents call it, varies based on time zone and number of children in the house

1 Child: 5PM or final school pick up.
2 Children: 4:45PM or final school pick up.
3+ Children; 4:30PM or final school pick up.
Teething Child: Your call

Below are 10 Gifts For the Wine Lover Mom in your life.

1. Vino2Go

Nothing says "Check on my kids" like wine in a sippy cup. Now you can make questionable decisions on the go.

I'm not sure under what circumstances an adult would need something like this.

Maybe you are rock climbing and don't want to fuss with a bottle opener?

Maybe you need to hydrate with wine while using the treadmill at the gym?

In addition to the red/pink combo above, Vino2Go also comes in Business Black so you can get fired and red/green to make the holidays memorable. 
Getting terminated was never so stylish.

♪ Tis the season to be arrested. Fa la la la la la la la la ♫

2. Big Mouth Toys Ultimate Wine Bottle Glass

This is the perfect gift for a mom who loves wine and has always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance.

I would like to be officially released of all liability associated with this product.

3. Wine Barrel Cork Cage

Looking for a hideous way to store the corks you're saving for Pinterest crafts you won't make? This weird bird cage to the rescue!

Keep this cork display case in your living room so that people will know right away that you can't be trusted to host playdates.

4. Oenophila Porto Sippers

"Honest Toddler, I love wine but looking like a fool at all times is equally important to me. Do you have any suggestions?"

Yes! Drink out of one of these silly straw elephant trunks and you are guaranteed to lose the respect of everyone in the room.

5. The Essential Scratch and Sniff Guide To Becoming A Wine Expert

This is probably the only bedtime story with which she will never skip pages. So there's that.

6. Wine Cork USB Drive

This USB drive will keep track of all the things wine helps her forget.

I'm not 100% sure this is really a USB drive. I think they might be counting on you not noticing on account of the beverages.

Please double check this before storing your important documents.

7. Stainless Steel Red Wine Glass Earrings 

We've all heard the saying "Let your freak flag fly." Now you can also let it dangle from your ears with this shameful jewelry. Made from the government's finest stainless steel, these are the perfect accessories for showing up late to the PTA meeting.

8. ASICS Women's GEL-Nimbus 15 Running Shoe

 These shoes had "wine" in the description. I think it's because they're perfect for running to the wine store if your car won't start.

9. The Original RedNek Wine Glass

This gift is for the mom who likes Pinterest but loves to party. Very classy and spectacular, this Ball jam mason jar will make you feel like you're in Gone With the Wind when you're just Gone For The Night.

10. The WineRack 

For the woman who has it all except a probation officer, get The WineRack. It's like a nursing bra but not at all. This is probably what Elsa was talking about when she said, "Conceal. Don't feel."

Order my book if you want to succeed in life/love.