Monday, April 21, 2014

Dinner Translator

Dinner time is when family memories are made. They'll never be able to forget how much you cried at the table. Long after you put them in the cheapest unlicensed retirement home you can find, your parents will look back on dinner with fondness and emotional trauma. "IT'S SPIIIICYYYYYY!!" will echo in their ears for the rest of their days.

Adults don't just cook to hurt you with recipes, they also cook to express their feelings. It's called "culinary ARTS" for a reason. Yes, 99.9% of what they make is trash, but we're not supposed to judge art. We observe art from a distance. Stare at it. Move it around on our plate. Get up and walk around. Excuse ourselves for quick poo. Get help with poo. Ask about dessert.

You can tell what's going on in the heart of a parent by the meals they make. Do they feel as raggedy as they look? Or do you have a kitchen Banksy on your hands with a deep desire to create photos for Facebook?

Pay attention, young toddlers. A wise person once said, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the parent cooks."

Today my book came out!

Real Testimonials  

"My pediatrician used to be my main source of wisdom. Since reading your book I have canceled our subscription to the doctor and now look to you and my toddler for knowledge." -Melissa, Eurasia

"Yesterday my toddler headbutted me in the nose. The pain was incredible. While I was unconscious, he went through my bag and ripped up my paycheck." -Frank, Swiss


 My book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Interview With Caillou

To celebrate the launch of my book tomorrow I reached out to my favorite media personalities for exclusive interviews. One of the first to respond was Caillou. Below is our interview.

Honest Toddler: Hello Caillou. Thank you for coming today.

Caillou: Thank you for having me.

HT: So, you're a very popular child. What's the hardest part of being, Caillou?

Caillou: The death threats.

HT: Oh. Sorry. What's it like being animated?

Caillou: I've never had a real body so it's hard to compare but it's like being made out of cotton candy. You feel delicate.

HT: Ok weird. Why do you think kids love you so much?

Caillou: Kids watch me because I'm living the dream. I'm bad. I'm not going to dance around it. I'm very bad. But at the end of the day, I get what I want.

HT: How do you get away with it? Yesterday I lost dessert.

Caillou: Without me the show would be nothing. Everybody knows that. They want to get paid.

HT: So it's an income thing.

Caillou: Yeah.

HT: What is Rosie like off the set?

Caillou: Who is Rosie.

HT: Your sister.

Caillou: Oh yeah that girl. I don't know her very well to be honest but she smells bad.

HT: Let's play a little word association. I say a word, you tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Caillou: OK

HT: Cake

Caillou: Probation

HT: Hugs

Caillou: Weapons

HT: Snacks

Caillou: Destruct

HT: There's something wrong with you, isn't there?

Caillou: I've heard that before.

HT: What's your favorite activity?

Caillou: Arson

HT: Thank you so much for joining us today! Let's take separate exits. People know where I am. Bye Caillou. 

My book comes out tomorrow. I'm not at all tired of talking about it. It's the most important book in the world and will change your life for the better. Without it you will feel incomplete and like a waste of blood. Testimonials:

"I thought I had a good life but then I bought this book and everything changed. Within four days I won the lottery and became more attractive in the face. My dead hamster came back to life also." - Sam, Oregon

"I compare this book to Magna Carta, Bible, and the US Constitution because it's inspiring is holy-ish, and set me free." -Al, Seattle

"My husband and I don't have any kids but we were thinking about it. After reading your book we now realize how much they would destroy our quality of life. Thank you." Heather, Fresno

"My toddler has been kicked out of two preschools. At first we thought he was the problem. Now we know it was just their dumb rules and policies. We're starting a lawsuit. Thanks HT!" - Belinda, Rhode Island

My book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Friday, April 18, 2014

The Insomniac Parent's Sleep Cycle

Don't blame me when you're tired. See you at five on the dot. 

I wrote a parenting guide. It comes out in four days. Four is more than three but less than five.

Preorder my book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting (Coming to stores April 22, 2014) 

Honest Toddler

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Top Five Must-Have Bathtime Toys For Toddlers

There's nothing a toddler loves more than a bath. Unless you're forcing the issue, in which case no thank you.

Bathtime isn't just about getting clean. It's an opportunity for you to bond with your child in an uncomfortable position. Sitting on a rock hard, wet floor with your legs folded underneath you like human origami is fun. Are your arms and back screaming from pain or joy as you hunch over the tub? It's hard to tell because the sounds are so similar.

Make bathtime extra special for your blessing by introducing toys. Below are my recommendations.

Stick to them if you know what's good for you.

Top Five Must-Have Bathtime Toys For Toddlers 

1. Spout Thing

The top of this moves up and down. It's there to amuse you. Toddler, you'll have hours of fun making metal sounds but if you slip and break your face that's on you.

2. Tweezers

These aren't a bath toy, per say, but they are an integral part of making bathtime a positive experience. The world loves toddlers so much because we're a paradox. We'll don't mind sitting in our own poo but the sight of bath debris rocks our world.

Adult, use these tweezers to remove from the bath any hair or microscopic trash that may be making your toddler angry and uncomfortable. Get it quickly. This will require you to be alert and not on your phone. You don't know anyone on TMZ so stop.

3. Regular Toys

Grab an armful of whatever you can find from the family room. Toys that light up and sing do very well when completely submerged in liquid. Sometimes they get shy on account of seeing you naked and don't want to work anymore but be patient. You may notice that your toy is now filled with something called "black mold." This is no more harmful than artisan cheese. Carry on. 

4. Bubbles

More bubbles than this.

Whether you have parents who love you and buy real organic bubble bath or you're in my situation and your bubbles are made with Dial hand soap, these delicate ethereal spheres can elevate your bath experience significantly. Bubbles are good for concealing turds and experimenting with different looks (the Santa beard and the biker 'stache being amongst the most popular).

The most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to bubbles is that you don't have enough. You never can. Ask for more. Make your parent use their arm as a human agitator (pun totally intended because parents agitate toddlers).

5. Kitchen Stuff

Measuring cups, basters, tupperware with white buildup, large plastic spoons, things that look like a volcano...your kitchen is a goldmine for bath toys. Toddler, don't settle for just one or two. YOU NEED THEM ALL. Future dinner guests will enjoy knowing that the tools that made their meal were once floating in stagnant water not too far from an anus.

Fun Fact: 10 out of 10 toddlers would switch you out with grandma without even thinking about it.

Preorder my book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting (Coming to stores April 22, 2014)


Honest Toddler

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Mommy Wanted: Job Offer

Have you seen the Toughest Job Ever video? Well, I already have a mommy but she's not the best listener and gets mad about nothing. To cover my bases, I'd like to hire an understudy. See the ad below. If you're interested, respond ASAP as this is an in-demand career and will be filled quickly.

Mommy Wanted

Looking for one person to serve as MOMMY. This is an unpaid position. It's actually more of an internship. An indentured servitude kind of gig. Think butler, but without the fancy suit, respect or vacation days. The salary isn't in paper money but you'll be given full room and board (you'll get bills for these expenses).

Experience taking caring of children is not required or wanted as it's better if you don't know what to expect. This will cut down on the shock.

Applicant will be under contract for the next 18+ years. Once given the job, applicant must sever all ties with friends, limiting outside communications to Facebook and the occasional chat with a mail carrier. Depending on your performance and ability to slip out of the house unnoticed, you will be given one Mom's Night Out a year followed by a three-day headache.

Me: A child. Beautiful, innocent and curious/spirited

You: A warm, happy, loving and generous person who doesn't freak out over little things like poop under their fingernails or someone throwing up hot vomit on their face. You revel challenges like unloading ten bags of groceries while having a young child yell at you for food at the same time. You don't need, or like, to be by yourself. You prefer the 24/7 company of people under four feet.

Your arms are strong enough to carry a small child whenever they ask. Sentences like, "You have two legs. Walk," make you sick to your stomach.

Taking a bath alone sounds like a nightmare to you and you would much rather bathe with a young friend, 28 plastic toys/kitchen utensils, and a small amount of urine. Speaking of pee pee, you enjoy the smell of feces and cleaning it up makes you feel important. You always wait for people to come to you about poo poo and don't follow them around asking intrusive, rude questions. You've never heard of potty training before and have no problem with changing someone's diapers up until age 10.

Meals: You love assembling snacks so much that you do it every 5-7 minutes without having to be asked. If the snacks aren't eaten, you say nothing and save them for when they're requested many hours later. While some people in the world like to sit down for dinner, you find that boring. "Why remain seating when I can get up every time someone needs something?" is your motto. If nobody likes your food you accept their constructive criticism without getting mad and taking a glass of wine into your bedroom.

Living quarters: You will live under the same roof as your client. The sight of toys everywhere is as beautiful as a sunset to you. The image of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich under a couch makes you giggle with delight. Lotion smeared on a couch causes you to weep happy tears. Mountains of laundry get you all crazy excited.

Important Note: You may come into this position with personal belongings but once you've been hired these items become communal in nature. This includes your body which on rainy days can serve as a skin covered jungle gym. You're not the kind of selfish person who would have a problem with someone using their abdomen as a trampoline.

It's important that the applicant hate sleep. "Why doze off when you can talk to a small child about their pajamas or give them a cracker," is something you say at a party. The applicant knows that rubbing someone's back for a few (12) hours every night is how to earn a favorable performance review.

Hours: It's up to you. Either way you're going to face considerable public criticism. Get ready for that.

Appearance: Please note that this position may result in personal hygiene standards lowering. Some have reported hair and memory loss.  

Dress Code: If accepted for the position, applicant will be given a standard set of black yoga pants and dirty shirt. Once they become threadbare, a new set will be distributed at your own cost.


Preorder my book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting (Coming to stores April 22, 2014)


Honest Toddler