Wednesday, April 1, 2015

It's Here

The book you've been waiting for.

Chapter 1: What is a Toddler? 
Chapter 2: The Theory of Toddler Evolution (2s, 3s, 4s)
Chapter 3: Grooming Your Goblin 
Chapter 4: Mealtime aka Hell 
Chapter 5: Your Unraveling Life 
Chapter 6: How To Keep Your Toddler Off Your Back (Park, Lying Down Games) 
Chapter 7: A**hole Parents 
Chapter 8: Getting Your Toddler To Listen (LOL) 
Chapter 9: How Not To Die Inside 
Chapter 10: The Guilt-Free Guide To Day Care and Preschools 
Chapter 11: Sleep Drama 
Chapter 12: Potty Training: When The $hit Hits The Fan 
Chapter 13: Holiday Guide 
Chapter 14: Your Nonexistent Sex Life 
Chapter 15: Rites of Passage For Toddler Parents 
Chapter 16: Closing Prayer

Monday, March 30, 2015

Easter Egg Hunt With a Toddler: Fiction vs. Reality

Easter is a very special holiday because it celebrates Jesus getting out of bed and walking around when no one thought he would which all parents can relate to.

If you have a toddler, you might be going to an Easter Egg hunt this year. Instagram has given you unrealistic expectations for holidays so I'm going to break it down. 

Easter Egg Hunt With a Toddler: Fiction (Pinterest Version) 

Your toddler wakes up after you do and with a smile on her face. Her diaper has a reasonable amount of pee pee in it and her pajamas are dry. She's not crying. 

"Good morning, mother!" she says in an English accent even though you're not from England, "Happy Easter!"

Friday, March 20, 2015

Why You Can't Take Your Toddler Anywhere

Whether you're trying to buy groceries or just put gas in your car, you may have noticed that it's difficult to take your toddler places. Before you jump to the nasty and offensive conclusion that this has anything to do with your baby, stop. Your toddler is not at fault here. You are for making them feel like a secondary responsibility.

See, not being the center of your attention hurts your toddler's feelings deeply and makes them need to slap you to reset your priorities.

A few days ago my friend Marcia Y. S. sent me some family photos. These are from her sister's wedding last November. Her two children, the Main Child (age 3), and Sibling Infant (age 1), were also asked to be in the wedding.

Toddlers can sense when they are being asked to celebrate the life of someone else (birthdays, weddings, baby showers) and we want no part of it. If the cake at an event does not have our name on it, what's the point exactly?

Now have a look at these photos.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Frozen 2 Spoilers

A few days ago Veronica Mars announced that there will be a Frozen 2.

This means that nobody under 10 will have to buy a Halloween costume this year since they will once again be Elsa. People with low self-esteem can go as Anna.

While the script is under lock and key, I'm 99% positive that I know what's going to happen.

*****Spoiler alert for people who like surprises.*****

Frozen 2 Spoilers: 

Anna just finished doing five years for killing Hans (he drowned when she punched him into the water). Kristoff tried to wait for her while she was on the inside but realized while Anna is the nicer person, Elsa has access to the family funds and a better dress so he marries the winter witch. They have a beautiful wedding and are a celebrity power couple like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Anna is fine with being Jennifer Aniston for awhile but soon grows angry. In a jealous rage invites her sister to Korean BBQ and sprays Elsa with sriracha sauce which melts her ice powers. Now Elsa can only make it rain so she moves to Seattle where her powers will go undetected.

Anna realizes what she did was wrong and even though the terms of her probation restrict travel, follows Elsa, setting off her court-mandated ankle monitor.

Elsa gets and apartment and finally puts on some reasonable pants. Through trial and error she learns that she can not only spray water, but make steam. This leads to a barista job at her local Starbucks. Anna finally tracks her down and they have a tearful reunion. Moments later, Arendelle police catch up with Elsa via the GPS bracelet and take her into custody. Elsa gives her a royal pardon. Nobody asks why she didn't do that before because they're all scared of her anger.

Elsa and Anna move back to Arendelle. Elsa hugs Olaf, killing him on contact. 

Nobody knows where Kristoff is but he also is assumed dead and the trolls want answers.

They sing some songs. 

*****The End*****

Feel free to share with your children. 

love, HT

Thursday, March 12, 2015

New Book: Toddlers Are A**holes

My mother has declared war on me by writing this book. I encourage you to buy & burn. Use the heat to make smores for your child.

"Toddler a**holery is a normal part of human development—not unlike puberty, except this stage involves throwing food on the floor and taking swings at people who pay your way in life. For parents of toddlers, it's a "you better laugh so you don't cry" period."


or on B&