Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Mommy Wanted: Job Offer

Have you seen the Toughest Job Ever video? Well, I already have a mommy but she's not the best listener and gets mad about nothing. To cover my bases, I'd like to hire an understudy. See the ad below. If you're interested, respond ASAP as this is an in-demand career and will be filled quickly.

Mommy Wanted

Looking for one person to serve as MOMMY. This is an unpaid position. It's actually more of an internship. An indentured servitude kind of gig. Think butler, but without the fancy suit, respect or vacation days. The salary isn't in paper money but you'll be given full room and board (you'll get bills for these expenses).

Experience taking caring of children is not required or wanted as it's better if you don't know what to expect. This will cut down on the shock.

Applicant will be under contract for the next 18+ years. Once given the job, applicant must sever all ties with friends, limiting outside communications to Facebook and the occasional chat with a mail carrier. Depending on your performance and ability to slip out of the house unnoticed, you will be given one Mom's Night Out a year followed by a three-day headache.

Me: A child. Beautiful, innocent and curious/spirited

You: A warm, happy, loving and generous person who doesn't freak out over little things like poop under their fingernails or someone throwing up hot vomit on their face. You revel challenges like unloading ten bags of groceries while having a young child yell at your for food at the same time. You don't need, or like, to be by yourself. You prefer the 24/7 company of people under four feet.

Your arms are strong enough to carry a small child whenever they ask. Sentences like, "You have two legs. Walk," make you sick to your stomach.

Taking a bath alone sounds like a nightmare to you and you would much rather bathe with a young friend, 28 plastic toys/kitchen utensils, and a small amount of urine. Speaking of pee pee, you enjoy the smell of feces and cleaning it up makes you feel important. You always wait for people to come to you about poo poo and don't follow them around asking intrusive, rude questions. You've never heard of potty training before and have no problem with changing someone's diapers up until age 10.

Meals: You love assembling snacks so much that you do it every 5-7 minutes having to be asked. If the snacks aren't eaten, you say nothing and save them for when they're requested many hours later. While some people in the world like to sit down for dinner, you find that boring. "Why remain seating when I can get up every time someone needs something?" is your motto. If nobody likes your food you accept their constructive criticism without getting mad and taking a glass of wine into your bedroom.

Living quarters: You will live under the same roof as your client. The sight of toys everywhere is as beautiful as a sunset to you. The image of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich under a couch makes you giggle with delight. Lotion smeared on a couch causes you to weep happy tears. Mountains of laundry get you all crazy excited.

Important Note: You may come into this position with personal belongings but once you've been hired these items become communal in nature. This includes your body which on rainy days can serve as a skin covered jungle gym. You're not the kind of selfish person who would have a problem with someone using their abdomen as a trampoline.

It's important that the applicant hate sleep. "Why doze off when you can talk to a small child about their pajamas or give them a cracker," is something you say at a party. The applicant knows that rubbing someone's back for a few (12) hours every night is how to earn a favorable performance review.

Hours: It's up to you. Either way you're going to face considerable public criticism. Get ready for that.

Appearance: Please note that this position may result in personal hygiene standards lowering. Some have reported hair and memory loss.  

Dress Code: If accepted for the position, applicant will be given a standard set of black yoga pants and dirty shirt. Once they become threadbare, a new set will be distributed at your own cost.


Preorder my book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting (Coming to stores April 22, 2014)


Honest Toddler

Reward Chart For Daddies


For ONE sticker in a week you get to watch Imagination Movers with me at 4AM.

For TWO stickers in a week you get throw me in the air until I say stop. 

For THREE stickers in a week you get five minutes by yourself in the backyard. I get to come.

For FOUR stickers in a week you get to see an old friend. I'm the friend.

For FIVE stickers in a week you get to take me on an errand.

For SIX stickers in a week you get a drawing from yours truly. I need to give the drawing to mommy later so don't get attached.

For SEVEN stickers in a week you get the grand prize...watching me cuddle mommy while you sleep in the bottom tenth of the bed. Don't speak to us please, we're tired.

Click image to make bigger.

Get my book in time for Mother's Day by preordering online. 

Because only a fool would think it's the thought that counts. If she doesn't have a gift to open she'll pack up her belongings and leave that very night. Preorder The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting 


Honest Toddler

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Parent/English Translator

Despite having impressive vocabularies, adults are terrible at saying what they mean. Most of them communicate entirely through vague Facebook statuses, emojis, dramatic sighs and Bruno Mars lyrics. Toddlers, learning how to translate the words of adults around you is key if you're to succeed in this world.

Learn the phrases below. Good luck.

My book drops in 12 days. If you preorder it now, Amazon or Barnes & Noble will also send you a goat that produces the freshest, thickest milk you've ever had the pleasure of drinking. It will be like cool, liquid butter in a glass with a hint of sweetness.* Preorder The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting 

Honest Toddler
This is a popular bookstore.
They prefer inside voices but talk as loud as you want. They'll look at you but won't do anything.

*there's no goat

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Reward Chart For Moms

Toddlers aren't the only ones who struggle with the basics. 

If you've ever seen your mom try to hurry up and open the door while holding groceries and then run to the bathroom only to emerge five minutes later in different pants, you know what I'm talking about. 

I feel like this would be helpful. Go ahead and print it out. Put it in a place you see often like next to your phone. Don't put it places you never go like the park or anywhere fun.

My book comes out in 13 days. Last night it went up $.11 cents in price. That's a dime and penny that could have been yours. Preorder today if you care about your family's finances: The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting 


Honest Toddler
This is a popular bookstore.
They prefer inside voices but talk as loud as you want. They'll look at you but won't do anything.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Toddler Activities During Dinner

If you made quiche for dinner go ahead and cut the eating slice in half. Better yet, reduce it to zero because nobody wants to eat baked vegetables mashed into pie crust. Quiche is like if eggs and salad had a baby and that baby was evil and wanted to hurt other kids. Pie is sacred to a lot of people so quiche is basically blasphemy against the holy pastry.

Anyway, these are normal toddler activities during dinner. 

Fun Fact: Moms are mad 80% of the time. The other 20% they're sleeping. Make it right and preorder The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting 


Honest Toddler
This is a popular bookstore with a restaurant inside (mostly cookies).