Dear Dentist- I'm Sorry

Dear Dentist,

It was nice seeing you today. How is your hand? I too was surprised when my teeth cut through your gloves. Looks like I'm stronger than I thought. Rest assured that I am up to date on my shots.

In my defense, when you said, "Say Ah," I had no idea you were a bone collector who wanted my teeth.

Anyway sorry.

I also want to let you know that my mom lied several times during your interrogation. When you asked, "Do you brush teeth twice a day?" she was only half truthful.

While it's true that she puts me in a headlock and forces a toothbrush down my throat every night (I'm thinking of pressing charges if you know a lawyer), in the morning she just gives me a piece of toast in lieu of brushing. She says it works like a Milk Bone to remove debris. I wanted to tell you but she was holding my arm tight.

I want to talk to you about what you said concerning my night milk. Specifically about "cutting it off." Are you a biologist? Surgeon? Then how do you know what my body needs? You're a mouth doctor. That's basically a senior tooth fairy and have no business getting involved in the rest of my body's personal business. I would appreciate if you formally retracted your statement. Milk is like family to me.

Finally, when you said I'd get a "treat" at the end I assumed it would be something like fries or a hotdog not a piece of ocean plastic worth cents. Your reward box looks like a trash can from Santa's workshop. It's all garbage. There was not a single piece of taffy to be found. Your assistant said to take one of your poverty toys but I took three to make up for my trouble.

I hope your wound is healing alright.

See you in six months.

xoxo HT

I'm the ambassador for this book. 

Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any 

Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world. 


The stars are out, it’s dark outside. 
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie. 
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie. 

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock, 
because nobody likes a cockblock. 

Nobody Likes A Cockblock is perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.

Out April 5th 

Preorder your copy to get it first: