10 Thoughts Your Toddler Has Between Midnight And 5AM

While adults enjoy sleeping during the twilight hours (lazy), the space between midnight and 5AM is, for advanced toddlers, a period of reflective thought and general scheming.

Here are 10 thoughts your toddler has between midnight and 5AM.

1. "Why do I, the youngest and most vulnerable person in the house, have to sleep alone when my parents sleep together? Surely, this is some kind of administrative error. I will fix it."

2. "I wonder what's in the fridge? Do we still have string cheese? I will go investigate."

3. "I wonder how much pee pee it would take to overflow my diaper transforming my bed into a marsh-like environment? There's only one way to find out."

4. "My stuffed animals seem to have fallen out of formation. I know a special lady who would love to help me organize them."

5. "I see that my infant sibling is sleeping soundly. I know how to fix that."

6. "Is the TV working right now? Let's check. As a family."

7. "You know what would be very cozy? Me sleeping in the Big Bed with one leg across mommy's face. I find it soothes her."

8. "This feels like as good a time as any to ask for a Band-Aid."

9. "I wonder how long the fall is from my crib to the floor. I will investigate."

10. "You know what I haven't done in awhile? Screamed so loud it alerted the neighbors. I miss that."

I'm the official ambassador for the following book:
Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any 


The stars are out, it’s dark outside. 
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie. 
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie. 

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock, 
because nobody likes a cockblock. 

If you're a parent who knows the pain of hearing your toddler cry over the baby monitor the second magic was about to go down, this book is for you.

If you're a parent whose 4 year-old seems to know the moment you're about to break that month-long dry spell and takes that opportunity to crap their pajama pants, this book is for you.

If you're a parent with cobwebs on your genitals who can't remember the last time they had an "O" that wasn't an "Oreo" cookie eaten while crying about their blue balls (or blue ovaries) this book is for you.

Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world. 

Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a full color paperback children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. The 32-pages of inappropriate prose and hilarious illustrations that will leave you laughing about your sad life. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.

Release date (no pun intended): April 5th 

Screw looking for a last minute Mother's Day or Father's Day present.