How To Get Kicked Out Of Preschool II

This is a toddlers only post. If you think there is a such thing as "soup weather" get out of here.

It's November and some of you have been in preschool for a couple of months now. Listening, rules, a schedule: I know you hate it. Adults sign their kids up for preschool not because they want you to be a success in life, but because their biggest fear is that you'll live with them forever. You can fight back by getting kicked out before the holiday season. It's easier than you think!

Follow my handy guide and you'll be back at home before you can say "Non Refundable Deposit." Good luck!

(If you haven't read the first installment, read it here)

How To Get Kicked Out Of Preschool II

1. Ask your teacher for some hair from her brush. When she asks why, say you're making a doll. Offer no additional details. 

2. Walk up to your teacher and give her a big hug. Whisper "My whole family hates you."

3. Your teacher may do something nice for you. When he does, smile sweetly and say, "You have a good heart." When he starts to "Awww" cut him off with- "I'd love to hold it one day."

4. Start a rumor amongst the children that Santa is now requiring stool samples and that the collection site is your teacher's purse.

5. During music time sing every song loudly and in a minor key. 

6. Sit next to your teacher during lunch time. If a meat -based meal is presented, look disappointed and say, "Already dead? I wanted to do that!" Cry bitterly.

7. Before naptime say you have a special song to share with the other children. Make one up about a ghost who waits until kids are asleep and then snatches their eyeballs.

8. Stare at your teacher for several seconds without blinking. When she asks what's wrong say, "You look different in daylight."

If you go to a religious school, you'll have an easier time being permanently excused.

Religious School Kick-Out Instructions

1. Wait until it's lunch time. While they're blessing the meal, shield your food and yell, "CANCEL VOID CANCEL VOID!"

2. At some point your teacher will read from a religious book. Raise your hand as if you have a question then say, "Your stories are making my invisible friends very angry."

3. During the lesson, raise your hand and ask: "When are we going sacrifice someone?"

4. When you know your teacher is looking, reach out to touch a Bible or religious symbol. Pull your hand back suddenly and whisper, "It burns." 

Congrats! You now know everything you need to when it comes to being back where you belong: home in front of the TV. Remember, should you end up with an appointment to see an exorcist or talking feelings doctor please don't mention my name. xo HT