The Four Facebook Statuses of Parents

As a social scientist and toddler advocate, it is my job to help keep the lines of communication between young children and parents open. Today we will talk about a very popular website for parents called Facebook.

What is Facebook? Facebook is the high fructose corn syrup of websites. Very enjoyable but little to no nutritional value. Much like the corn syrup, adults are ashamed of how much they like it and while they suspect that it's terribly unhealthy, they are powerless to stop although they keep saying they will very soon.

Unless you are a firstborn child, there is zero chance that you have a baby book with all of your milestones documented. Toddlers, you'd better hope this site stays up forever because when it goes down so will all traces of your childhood.

Adults like Facebook because it pretends to care about them. "Watchu thinkin bout?" Facebook asks. 

There are four kinds of Facebook statuses that parents post. They are listed below.

1. The Brag

Toddlers, in the rare event that you do something positive, your mother or father will want to tell all of their friends*.

*The definition of "friend" in the adult world can mean 1) A person they know, 2) A person they used to know, or 3) Someone they hate but want to keep tabs on should their life fall apart or house catch fire so they can celebrate from a distance.

It is important to note that when adults brag they are not proud of you, they are proud of themselves in relation to you so don't get happy.

"My baby is potty trained!" = "I'm proud of myself for potty training this stubborn mule of a human being."

You are just a vehicle for self-praise. You're like cheese on a Triscuit. Nobody likes Triscuits on account of them tasting like dead tree branches, but everyone like cheese so we sometimes allow these crackers into our lives. Can't remember where I was going with this so let's move on.

2. Everything is Awesome!

"Everything is Awesome" statuses only happen when

A) you're asleep
B) you're somewhere else
C) they've been drinking
D) they've been drinking and you're asleep 
E) they're been drinking and you're somewhere else

When parents are this happy, their chances of them making poor choices that will result in a sibling for you TRIPLE. Bring them back to reality. For a mom, you can spit in her purse while maintaining eye contact. For a dad, you can kick him in the downstairs (by accident).

3. Kids Are Terrible, Yes?

"Kids Are Terrible, Yes?" is when parents try to get other parents to turn on their children. This is the most dangerous kind of post for the toddler community. Why? Because our lifestyle depends on parents blaming themselves for our behavior.

If you sense your parent about to post a status like this, take the phone from their hand and firmly crack the screen against some marble.

4. The General Cry For Help 

Toddlers, you're going to like this one because you caused it. You know how we like to push them right to that edge and them when we sense their love for us starting to shift we ask a cute question or make that face? This behavior causes a General Cry For Help.

Sometimes adults can't find the words and will use a quote or song lyrics.

Parents will post just enough for their friends to know that they are seriously considering starting over in a new city with a new name.

You now have the tools to deal with Facebook. Good luck, toddlers.


 My book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting.