I will be retraining you. Should you remain teachable, you will graduate and become a decent parent to your beautiful but currently unhappy child.
Today we will learn about WHINING. Sit down. Turn off your phone. I SAID TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.
Whining 101: It's Your Fault
When adults talk about being tired or the price of ground beef, it’s called complaining. When Adele does it, it’s Grammys. But when a toddler musically communicates dissatisfaction, you label it “whining.” It’s time for adults to acknowledge whining as a legitimate form of speech.
Amazing Child: Moooomyyyyy, I neeed heeeelp.
Cold-as-Ice Lady: I can’t hear you when you talk like that. Just kidding, I can, but self-righteousness is in style, and I want to be impressive.
Amazing Child: Mooomyyyy, I neeed heeeelp.
Beautiful Lady: Oh my goodness, how did I let this situation get to the point where you feel so frustrated? At least I’m here now. How can I serve you my angel master?
When your toddler is forced to extend vowels, that means she is upset, and unless it’s illegal to be sad, you have no ground to stand on. In some cultures, whining is considered a signal that a child is dangerously low on M&M’s. Let that idea sink in.
Whining is actually an instrument, much like a violin or a drum. When you stop thinking about whining as a problem and start dancing to the melody of your child’s needs, life will reward you with tasks. If, after all of this knowledge, you still don’t enjoy whining, try harder to anticipate your toddler’s wants.
Toddlers often whine when they are bored, because their toys are no longer entertaining. You can remedy this by replenishing the toy supply every week. Do not throw out the old ones; just let the pile grow. Always have something fun—like a PEZ dispenser or Silly Putty—in your pocket to prevent sadness in your child’s heart. Keep some Skittles in a small box around your neck to treat emergency hunger. Being prepared can go a long way toward preventing whining.
Homework: Wait for your child to start whining. It won’t take long. When it begins, crouch down to your toddler’s height (with a smile on your face) and say, “I’m bad. How can I help you?” while tucking a stick of gum into her hand. Watch your child’s face relax. This is called “family.”
This above was an excerpt from my expert training manual entitled: The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting coming out in paperback April 22, 2014. Preorder to get it in time for Mother's Day. Mothers love instruction so this will a good present if you can't afford jewelry.
Preorder from Amazon <- link in gray