Toddler Mood Swings

Hi again, student. How did you sleep? Just kidding I don't care how you slept. 

Welcome to Day 2 in your 8 day Honest Toddler Academy of Parenting Good that you are now enrolled in by choice.


Yesterday we covered Whining 101. It was a very easy lesson but I had to drop some of you from the course for questioning my methods. This isn't a dialogue, it is a teaching seminar. Only one person can have opinions. 

If you have a contradictory thought write it down on a piece of paper. Take the paper and SHOOT IT INTO SPACE.

Today we will learn about Toddler Mood Swings.

Toddler Mood Swings: What Happened, Darling? 

Please take the short survey below.

  1. My toddler can go from slightly frightening hyena laughter to uncontrollable sobbing in a matter of milliseconds: 

    a. Never
    b. Rarely
    c. Sometimes
    d. Often
    e. It’s happening right now 


  2. My sweet baby is prone to bouts of rage that seem unprovoked: 

    a. Never
    b. Rarely
    c. Sometimes
    d. Often
    e. It’s happening right now 


  3. My sweet baby has kissed me gently and slapped me across the face within the same five-minute period: 

    a. Yes 
    b. No
If your child suffers from Mood Swings, don’t worry. He is not alone. It's important to recognize that this is not your toddler's fault. You wouldn’t blame someone with a cold for sneezing, so when your toddler giggles one second and uses urine as a weapon the next, don't get angry or tell anyone (Santa is too busy for your drama).

Most toddler mood swings can be cured with simple board- certified* medicinal formulas. The good news is that it’s easy to make these cures at home and they are non-invasive. 

*Not board-certified. I don't even know what that means. 

Anger Solvent 

Mix together 3 tablespoons of coconut oil, 1 teaspoon of dried bay leaves, and 1/3 cup mineral water. Rub it on your own head until you feel humble. Gently place a gummy bear in your toddler’s mouth. Watch your child for signs of dissipating anger. Repeat with a new gummy bear every two minutes, no matter what. 

Homeopathic Stability Pills  

Dehydrate an entire bottle of liquid Tylenol until it resembles fruit leather. Put it on a high shelf. Acquire a family-sized tub of Rolos or any other chocolate-covered caramels. Walk slowly toward your toddler without looking her directly in the eye. With your head lowered, drop the candy offering at your toddler’s feet. Whisper “I’m so sorry” as you back away. 

Child-Calming Dust  

Spend two hundred dollars on essential oils. Cry over your poor choices. Empty a bag of mini-marshmallows into a large pot. Stir until it becomes powder. Sprinkle the dust liberally into your child’s mouth when she shows signs of distress. Keep a large Ziploc bag of dust on your person at all times. This is organic. 

Cry-Be-Gone Spray  

Make a simple syrup of brown sugar, maple syrup, candy canes, and water. Add sprinkles. Allow to cool and pour into a spray bottle. When your toddler seems out of sorts, spray all around her, focusing on the mouth area. 

You may not see any immediate changes in your toddler, but you’re not the boss of the world or a scientist, so just keep at it. Hugs can go only so far. These time-honored recipes are full of wisdom and healing power. Most biologists agree that sugar helps stabilize minds. If someone told you different, check his pockets for a card that says “certified liar,” because he most certainly is one.
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This above was an excerpt from my awards-pending manual entitled: The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting coming out in paperback April 22, 2014. Preorder to get it in time for Mother's Day. When you preorder, you get the low price. Who knows, I could jack it up to $50 a book tomorrow. You're not the boss of me and can't control my actions.

Preorder from Amazon <- link in gray