Sunday, March 23, 2014

Open Letter To Alyssa Milano's Toddler

Dear Alyssa Milano's Original Child,

I don't know anything about you, but I just want to say: I'm sorry. It's big news that you have recently contracted Infant Sibling Disease.



During these difficult times please know that you are not alone. This is not your fault and you did nothing to deserve being replaced.

You may have noticed people trying to get you excited about having an infant sibling. Big exaggerated smiles, singsong tones. They're mocking your pain and you are well within your rights to strike them.

A baby entering your home is a serious matter. Over the next few months your mother will grow bigger and more hungry. She will start to dislike your father. They will rush to potty train you. Once the baby arrives you will lose all big bed privileges. Friends and strangers alike will visit your home bearing elaborate gifts for the baby and gum wrappers, broken hotdog buns, and bags of nickles for you. You will be like an iPhone 4 in a world of iPhone 5s. Obsolete and with a different charger.

Here are a few things you migh want to start practicing:

- Pouring your own juice/milk. They'll be too busy kissing the baby.
-Hugging yourself. Wrap your arms around your body and try to imagine one of your parents loving you.
-Do you own a treadmill? Start jogging daily because you'll be walking for miles. No one will pick you up anymore.
-Learn how to prepare a simple snack all by your lonesome. Crackers with butter. A quarter cup of all-purpose flour. Table salt. Babies are masters at taking attention. Making your meals will no longer be a priority.

There is a silver lining to your situation Most parents feel guilty about giving their toddlers Infant Sibling Disease so this a good time to ask for a dog or even a horse. If they say no, just point to your mom's stomach and say "I sad. I has rain in my heart."* You'll get your horse.

Try to stay strong. The truth of the matter is that your life is changing forever. Who's the boss? Not you. You're no longer the charmed one.

Good luck.

HT

"Why you no love me?" also works. 

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My manifesto for struggling, bad parents who just want watch The Walking Dead (!!) and eat my cereal. The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting

 

7 comments:

  1. love it. "I has rain in my heart" is so funny!

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  2. As I read this I just finished The Walking Dead and a bowl of Frosted Flakes...and yes, bedtime was slightly rushed. Don't worry, I will step on hot wheels when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night as payment for these transgressions.

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  3. you should write an illustrated children's book about this disease to help small children understand better.

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  4. love it! well written. indeed an honest toddler. will buy your book now. im so convinced hahaha

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  5. The CHARMED one - well played, HT...

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  6. Lol on the quarter cup if flour snack

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  7. OMG! This was hilarious! I'm so glad I found your site - I love it!

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thanks - HT