99 Valid Reasons Your Toddler Might Get Out Of Bed



1. Heard a sound. 
2. Forgot to tell you about that thing. 
3. Has a question. 
4. Needs to use the bathroom. 
5. Feels a little hungry. 
6. Is scared. 
7. Saw a shadow (See: Is scared)
8. Wants a hug
9. Wants a kiss
10. Needs to report a sibling-related crime. 
11. Can't remember middle name. 
12. Needs to know how come volcanoes errupt. 
13. Foot hurts. 
14. Back itches. 
15. Wants to know what you're watching on TV. 
16. Wants to know why you're allowed to watch TV at night and they aren't.
17. Is wondering if they can watch a little TV with you. 
18. Wants to know why you look mad. 
19. Needs you to apologize for hurting feelings with angry tone/face. 
20. Needs help teaching his/her blanket who's boss. 
21. Forgot what you looked like. 
22. Is wondering if this is a good time for you to teach her how to whistle. 
23. Wants to know why the kitchen smells like personal pan pizzas.
24. Needs to know why your breath smells like Oreos. 
25. Is curious why your fingers are Cheetos-orange.
26. Wants to know what's for breakfast tomorrow. 
27. Is wondering if he can sample the menu. 
28. Needs you to check forehead for possible fever. 
29. Was wondering if cough sounds bad to you *cough cough* Does it sound bad? 
30. Wants to know why people need to sleep. 
31. Just wanted to tell you how much you mean to her. Some feelings can only be expressed by sharing pie.
32. Wants to express some of those emotions through dance.
33. Wants to know if the whole family can go for a drive. 
34. Would like you to google "do cars work at night" because your answer to previous questions sounds like a lie. 
35. Thinks monsters may live in closet. 
36. Thinks monsters may live under bed. 
37. Thinks monsters may live inside of go-gurt container and the right thing to do is free them and eat their habitat.
38. Wants to talk on the phone to grandma. 
39. Needs to tell grandpa something via facetime. 
40. Is ready to learn how to read and wants to start lessons right away.
41. Wants to know the name of the show you're watching. 
42. Wants to know who Olivia Pope is.
43. Wants to know what Huck is doing to that lady. 
44. Is too scared to go to sleep now. 
45. Is wondering if he can hang out in the Big Bed for a few minutes. 
46. Wants to know why you had kids if you don't want to spend any quality time with them. 
47. Needs an answer for why the smallest person in the house is the only one sleeping alone. 
48. Peed through the Pull-up and needs a crisp one.
49. Would like you to tell a story lasting at least one hour.
50. Forgot a toy in the car.
51. Current socks went out of fashion a few minutes ago and new, more on-trend socks are needed.
52. Wants to know how much longer until her birthday. 
53. Would like to begin testing birthday cake recipes (now). 
54. There is a mark on his/her hand that needs immediate medical attention. 
55. Remembered a joke from earlier in the day that needs sharing. 
56. Heard the sound of a treat being unwrapped. Needs to investigate.
Note: You may be asking yourself how your toddler's ears can hear snack cakes being unwrapped through four walls but can't hear their name being called three feet away. This has to do with physics and I don't have time to get into it right now. 
57. Nails hurt.
58.  Needs a sip of water or will perish. 
59. Just wants one bite of bread please have mercy. 
60. Would like to just hug you and breathe in your essence. 
61. Is afraid of having a bad dream. 
62. Wants to hang out on the stairs.
63. Forgot it was bedtime.
64. Wants to know why you're mad and if you want to talk about it. 
65. Would like some milk. 
66. Can't drink milk without a straw. 
67. Wrong straw. 
68. Is very sorry and will take any straw please just one more chance if you please. 
69. (wrong straw) 
70. Is devastated about the milk situation and wants to make it right by drawing something for you. 
71. Bed feels weird. Would like a new one. 
72. Is offended by the Sesame Street bedspread as it is for babies. Would like a more mature, Jake and the Neverland Pirates sheets. 
73. Thought she heard something at the front door. 
74. One of their stuffed animals spoke their name.
75. Has a headache in his butt. 
76. Forgot to take her vitamin that morning. 
77. Just remembered that something was scary on TV eight hours ago. 
78. Would like his bedroom repainted. 
79. Left something in the backyard. 
80. Foot feels strange. Not broken. Just strange. 
81. Has a poop situation they need emergency assistance with. 
82. Wants to know, once and for all, where the Halloween candy went. 
83. Band-Aid fell off. Needs new one to avoid infection. 
84. Feels angry and needs someone to take a swing at. 
85. Hates going to bed and wants to kick someone without looking at them because you can't get in trouble if you don't look while you're kicking. It could have just been reflexes or a muscle twitch. 
86. Wants a tour of the house starting with the Big Bed. 
87. Just wanted to ask if you were tired and were looking for someone to lie down with. 
88. Was curious if anyone is interested in some night time hand holding. 
89. Forgot to check the mail. 
90. Feels like it would be responsible to lay out the next day's outfit. 
91. Wants to know if you'd like help with the laundry. 
92. Is ready to hear how babies are made. 
93. Imaginary friend told him to get out of bed.
94. It's too hot.
95. Had a vision (vision was about tortillas). 
96. Needs to speak to Siri about something she said earlier. Private matter. 
97. Is it too late for a bath? 
98. Hair hurts.
99. Is it time to get up? 



I'm the official ambassador for the following book:

Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any 


Excerpt:

The stars are out, it’s dark outside. 
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie. 
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie. 

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock, 
because nobody likes a cockblock. 
-------


Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world. 




Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a paperback children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.




Coming: April 5th