Food Review: Rice Cakes

I had the opportunity to do this review last week. I asked for breakfast and she said, "It's 5AM why are you doing this" and put Rice Cake in my hand.

Rice cakes are neither rice nor cake so the marketing is a lie. I have had cake on several occasions and know what it tastes like and how it makes me feel (great). Rice is soft, warm and falls through your fingers like big sand. Rice cakes do neither making me think they just picked the name out of a hat.

Rice cakes are gluten free but that's obvious. They're also excitement free.

Rice cakes get 1 point for being crunchy. Crunchy foods are important to toddlers because while we eat them it's impossible to hear certain people ask you the same questions over and over. Crunchy foods are the noise cancelling headphones of the toddler community. Instead of Beats by Dre we have Silence by Snacks.

Rice cakes get negative 800 points for taste. The flavor of rice cakes is that of stagnant air. It reminds me of when I take a deep breath in a closet. I felt like I was eating someone else's sigh.

I would like to propose some alternate names for this product:

Starvation Disks
Sadness Patties
Hatred Circles

Rice Cakes need butter but they don't deserve it.

Rice Cake engineers have managed to make something taste like nothing and I applaud them for that but slap them at the same time because I'm still hungry. You would probably get more nutrients from someone burping in your face than from eating a Rice Cake.

I feel malnutrition

The main difference between eating Rice Cakes and paper is that paper usually has words so when you eat it you're also learning.

My recommendation is that if someone gives you a Rice Cake you should ask them why they dislike you and want you to fail in life.


Rice Cakes did not pay for this review- this is not a sponsored post and is my opinion. No money was exchanged.