Friday, January 3, 2014

Food Review: Rice Cakes

I had the opportunity to do this review last week. I asked for breakfast and she said, "It's 5AM why are you doing this" and put Rice Cake in my hand.

Rice cakes are neither rice nor cake so the marketing is a lie. I have had cake on several occasions and know what it tastes like and how it makes me feel (great). Rice is soft, warm and falls through your fingers like big sand. Rice cakes do neither making me think they just picked the name out of a hat.

Rice cakes are gluten free but that's obvious. They're also excitement free.

Rice cakes get 1 point for being crunchy. Crunchy foods are important to toddlers because while we eat them it's impossible to hear certain people ask you the same questions over and over. Crunchy foods are the noise cancelling headphones of the toddler community. Instead of Beats by Dre we have Silence by Snacks.

Rice cakes get negative 800 points for taste. The flavor of rice cakes is that of stagnant air. It reminds me of when I take a deep breath in a closet. I felt like I was eating someone else's sigh.

I would like to propose some alternate names for this product:

Starvation Disks
Sadness Patties
Hatred Circles

Rice Cakes need butter but they don't deserve it.


Rice Cake engineers have managed to make something taste like nothing and I applaud them for that but slap them at the same time because I'm still hungry. You would probably get more nutrients from someone burping in your face than from eating a Rice Cake.

I feel malnutrition

The main difference between eating Rice Cakes and paper is that paper usually has words so when you eat it you're also learning.

My recommendation is that if someone gives you a Rice Cake you should ask them why they dislike you and want you to fail in life.

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Rice Cakes did not pay for this review- this is not a sponsored post and is my opinion. No money was exchanged.





36 comments:

  1. Oh, HT, I feel your pain. When I was little my mom and doctor got together and decided to remove all tasty foods from my diet for a long time to "test for allergies." I had to eat these for so long my taste buds were destroyed and I began to think they were tasty.

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    1. It's what happens after years of rice cakes. Your brain shuts down from the blandness and you forget your own name. Then in a fog of despair you steal the name of another.

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    2. TJ may be a name stealer, but (s)he's darn funny! ��

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  2. Omg. "I felt like I was eating someone else's sigh". That is the funniest thing I've heard in a long time.

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  3. I once had a coworker who referred to rice cakes as "food for people who have lost the will to live"

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  4. It sounds like you only tried a plain rice cake. You should try flavored rice cakes. If your mom won't buy them notify the Toddler Council ASAP.

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    1. The cheese flavored ones are a hit w/ the toddler at this house.

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    2. Both our toddlers love the tomato basil ones or plain ones with honey or nut butter or apple butter on top...it's mom who complains about all the rice cake pieces that seem to appear all over the house when they're given as a snack! :S

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    3. I really don't get the point of flavored rice cakes. Rice cakes are flavorless discs that have no nutritional value; akin to eating air. So, why bother trying to make it more interesting? Like cheese rice cakes? Eat some cheese. Chocolate chip rice cakes? Eat some chocolate chips. Why bother with the rice cake?

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  5. You should try chocolate chip rice cakes. They're actually quite delicious!

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  6. I love Lundberg rice cakes! One of my favorite ways to eat them is to make rice cake pizzas. I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience with them!

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  7. Rice cakes are supposed to have something ON them. Otherwise, yes, they taste like despair.

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  8. "You would probably get more nutrients from someone burping in your face than from eating a Rice Cake."
    Hilarious, HT. *slow clap*

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    1. That is my favorite quote from the food review. Although there are LOTS of good ones!

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  9. ^ "They taste like despair." That's brilliant. According to Shape.com (and other sources) rice cakes are bad for you. "They may have been touted as the ultimate diet food during the low-fat/no-fat craze of the late 1980s and 1990s, but don’t be fooled. Rice cakes can have a glycemic index rating as high as 91 (pure glucose has a rating of 100), making it the kind of carbohydrate that will send your blood sugar on a roller coaster ride. This is bad for weight loss and for your health."

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    1. Thank God, there is no reason these should be consumed!!!!! They would however, make great stuffing for packing or a bean bag chair that has been used, I can be sure my dogs won't even want to eat it!

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  10. meh, slap some peanut butter on it and you'll love it! Then it's nap time, bwahahaha!

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  11. GREAT piece and devoid of a lot of gutteral words which personally is funnier when used more sparsely.. I really like your take on things.
    60 and the mom of 5

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  12. You are now my new favorite blogger. Incredibly spot on, incredibly funny! Thank for calling out rice cakes for what they truly are - crunchy drek!

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  13. "Rice Cakes need butter but they don't deserve it."

    My new favorite quote.

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  14. Yes but they are delightful for crumbling all over the back seat of the car. See if you can fill the floor until the crumbs pour out everytime your mom opens the door.

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  15. Have you ever had Cheetos/etc without any thing on them? Just as bad. They use that for 'biodegradable' packing material. Nasty.

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  16. This is AMAZING and hilarious! shared it on my Facebook page.

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  17. In addition to the learning benefit, paper is high in fiber! Win-Win!

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  18. I know I'm a grown up because I think that with peanut butter on them, rice cakes are sort of awesome.

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    1. Peanut butter makes celery taste good, too. I can eat most anything if i use enough peanut butter or bbq sauce. :)

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  19. HT - awesome description. When I've had them the only thing that came to mind was "Is this food, or styrofoam?" I'm pretty sure someone could swap one for the other and you'd never know the difference!

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  20. This sentence made me cry with laughter: "Rice Cakes need butter but they don't deserve it." Sigh. I hear you.

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thanks - HT