Monday, December 2, 2013

Review: Pesto


Product Review: Pesto
Stars (out of five): negative 14
Brand: Home

Do you know about pesto? It happens when you make a paste out of leaves*, nuts, oil and cheese. If you're thinking that this recipe sounds like it's from a Middle Earth Cookbook entitled "Surviving With Scraps" I agree with you.


Pesto sauce is used to desecrate pasta but some adults eat it with bread in lieu of traveling to feel cultured. Pesto is also one of the many foods that make people feel rich. An adult's wallet could be empty and they could have no furniture but if they were eating pesto they'd feel like they're doing ok in life.

Pesto can also be used as a marinade. A marinade, also known as a marination, is when two foods are left alone to fight. The stronger food kills the weaker and forces it to take on its flavors. This is exactly how shapeshifters work which is why I'm against all marinades including pesto. I put my feelings aside for the purpose of this review.

Pasta with pesto is a popular dinner. Unfortunately this is precisely the the kind of meal that would drive a normally good child to hit an infant. I don't believe in violence against babies, no matter how full of hate they make you feel, but I could see how this food could make weapons out of your hands.

What does pesto look like, reviewer? (I'm the reviewer let me do it.) Pesto looks like something you would collect at the river's edge with bucket. You would use a shovel too because you wouldn't want the river trash to get on your hands. It would be a bright sunny day but also a dream in your head because you never go anywhere.

Pesto is shiny like some peoples' foreheads. The green is the same color as the bad guy in How The Grinch Stole Christmas. I would make a sequel called How Pesto Stole Dessert but it wouldn't be funny. One other thing I don't like about pesto is that it misleadingly smells like pizza. You can't build a relationship on a lie.

What does pesto taste like, reviewer? I didn't actually have a chance to taste pesto on account of it losing so many points in the looks and smells department. I felt like I was going to throw up. Why do you think I should risk my health for you? 

If you feel like cooking pesto for your family I have some other suggestions:

-plain pasta
-cereal from a box
-candy canes
-cold water (even this would be better)

Still want to make pesto? Ask someone you trust to relieve you of your kitchen duties for the time being. You're too selfish for this responsibility.




*I just want to say that if you eat pesto but would scrape a park leaf out of your child's mouth with your claw-like hands, you're a hypocrite.

_______________________

This is not a sponsored post. Pesto did not pay me to say these things. 




27 comments:

  1. The first time I ate pesto, I could have written this review. That is, if I was clever, like you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I especially liked the "living of scraps" comment! That is exactly what I thought when I first encountered pesto. HT you are so funny and clever!

      Delete
  2. Pesto looks like the contents of a newborn's nappy.

    Also, have you ever shouted NO when offered pesto and then asked for pinenuts, parmesan and basil and oil on your pasta. Your server will think you're super cool.

    ReplyDelete
  3. wow you both are super closed minded and without any culinary refinement. But hey who am I to knock someone for writing a review without even trying the dish they are critiquing. Try writing a review about something you know if there is anything in that category.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. haha oh my gosh, it's from a toddler's perspective. i can't tell if your comment was meant to be serious... haha

      Delete
    2. lol, someone needs a time-out! (different anon here. That guy needs a funny bone transplant.)

      Delete
    3. something tells me you were googling "pesto recipe"

      Delete
    4. No my toddler just has better taste than yours

      Delete
    5. oh, it's a pissing contest! i'll just fill up on red drink then.

      Delete
  4. "wow you both are super closed minded and without any culinary refinement. But hey who am I to knock someone for writing a review without even trying the dish they are critiquing. Try writing a review about something you know if there is anything in that category."
    ^^Wow, Anonymous must not come here often. Or ever. Probably ever.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Funny as always HT! But don't knock good pesto till you've tried it with wine :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dean! HT is a toddler! Toddlers can't have wine!

    ReplyDelete
  7. If they can have whiskey to help them sleep and dada's beer to help celebrate a key interception, surely they can have wine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. we can give toddlers whiskey to help them sleep?!? This is great news!!

      Delete
    2. CAN and SHOULD are two totally different trains of thought. My preferred method is Benadryl. "Did I hear you sneeze? Oh look, your nose is running!"

      Delete
  8. my 9mo old loves pesto and licks it off the pasta.

    ReplyDelete
  9. HT - glad to see you back. I have tried to feed my toddlers pesto, and, after reading this, realize the errors of my ways. Thank you, HT. I hope to read more reviews in the future. -AR

    ReplyDelete
  10. My toddler used to love Pesto until one day when she randomly decided that anything with sauce or "seasonings" is unfit for human consumption.

    ReplyDelete
  11. True story: I told my toddler to stop eating a leaf at the park. Then I came home, he watched me put basil on my eggs, and said "Mama eat leaf?"

    ReplyDelete
  12. I totally agree.... Pesto is unfit for human consumption! No toddler should be exposed to it and adults should avoid it at all cost.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "Pesto looks like something you would collect at the river's edge with bucket." I couldn't even breathe, I laughed so hard.

    ReplyDelete
  14. My child happily eats pasta with pesto. Is there something wrong with her?

    ReplyDelete
  15. This was enough to make me question my pesto love. I will never be able to eat it again without thinking of a river's edge. Hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  16. HT, that pesto sucked because according to your ingredient list, it is missing garlic. Garlic makes everything better. Truly. I swear.

    ReplyDelete
  17. since you didn't actually taste it I will add another negative... it gets stuck in your teeth crazy like! Then you'd have to floss.

    ReplyDelete
  18. My first son ate pesto with gusto as a toddler - thought he was the exception. Turns out that his younger toddler brother eats pesto with gusto, and so do the children of our closest friends in their age range. The fact that we are all Italians may have something to do with it, but we never had even the remotest difficulty having them eat pesto - in fact, it's one of their favorite dishes

    ReplyDelete

thanks - HT