Thursday, December 19, 2013

Christmas Gift Guide For Moms: What Moms Really Want For The Holidays

This is a Toddlers Only (TO) Post so if you've said "Santa can see you right now" in the past 24 hours, please leave. Go get your eyebrows threaded. 

Christmas is coming up and the special woman in your life deserves a gift. Once grandma is taken care of, buy something for your mom. 

Being a mother is hard. I know because she can't stop saying it. Doesn't matter if it's a store clerk or a telemarketer, she never misses an opportunity to share her problems. A present might calm her down.

"Why can't Santa get her something?" One you have a credit history Santa cuts you off for good.

"Mommy has her own money. Can't she buy a present for herself?" She buys items for herself all year, this is true. Just look at her Target receipts. But if you don't bring something item to the table on Christmas day she will never let it go.

"Can't I make something?" Your art is garbage. I'm not trying to be mean. Just check the trash. Under the select-a-size paper towels you'll find all of the drawings you've ever made. When they said they liked your work they were protecting your feelings. You're very bad at design.

"Why is she making Jesus' birthday about her?" Because that's how she is.

I've been observing my mom all year and have written this guide for your convenience.

Christmas Gift Ideas For Mom

 1. Black Stretchy Pants
While women on television wear a variety of clothing including dresses and jeans, mothers are required by law to wear black stretchy pants day in and day out. These pants are a government-issued uniform which is why you see so many moms wearing the exact same ones. Unfortunately due to state budget cuts moms only get one pair. This causes many of them to live in the same threadbare ones 24 hours a day/7 days a week.

Why not surprise her with a new set? Now she can stay relatively fresh.

Why black? While this color emphasis your dry mucous, it hides almost all other stains giving her the appearance of a clean person.

2. Baby Wipes

You may have noticed that you're not the only one using your wipes. While she's quick to insist that you take a daily bath trust me she isn't holding herself to the same standard. Go ahead and pick her up a value pack of these with a little note that says: "You're dirty and I can smell you."

3. Coffee

Parents talk about unconditional love but we know that's a bold-faced lie. Have you tried talking to an adult in the morning? Until they've had their first cup of coffee they look at you like a burglar: "How did you get in my house?" Try asking for breakfast before their coffee. You would think you asked them to co-sign on a home loan: "I can't do that for you sorry I can't." Do yourself a favor and find or steal coffee to give them the energy they need to burn your toast yet again.

I'm not going to lie; it hurts to see them hold that coffee mug to their chest like it's full of gold flakes. That's how they used to hold you, amirite? It's normal for you to feel like there is a love triangle between you, her, and the coffee. Rest assured that if she had to make a decision, she'd probably hesitate but in the end choose you.

4. Alone Time

I put this on here as a joke. The last thing you should give your mother is solo time because she will miss everything about you. Even a few minutes away to get something from the car or use the bathroom can be harmful to the parent/child relationship. It is my official recommendation that you not allow more than 2.5 inches between you and your mother. Ideally, your skin should be flush against theirs at all times.

Moms will act like this bothers them but they are secretly flattered. They might test your love by saying things like, "I can't hold you and your ugly infant sibling at the same time," but they are just lying. She might say, "Don't jump on me while I'm nursing the baby," like that infant is the only young mammal in the house I WOULD LOVE MILK TOO THANKS FOR OFFERING. If you have a parent with low self-esteem they might push you away by creating fake diseases like "carpool tunnel syndrome." "I have carpool tunnel syndrome and it hurts to carry you all over the house."Again, this is a test. You weigh no more than a bag of rice. Carpool tunnel syndrome. Ridiculous LOL.

5. The Gift of Monitoring

This goes with Alone Time. Just because your umbilical cord broke does not mean you have to walk through life by yourself. There are so many ways to be sure she doesn't leave you AND make the holidays truly magical this year.
  • Rope: Who doesn't want to open a box and find 10-15ft of good strong rope? An old fashioned rope tied around her waist and yours will ensure that where she goes, you go. The good thing about rope is that you can find it at most stores and it is water resistant (for showers). Rope comes in a lot of colors. You can get even get black to match her pants. She's going to smile so big.
  • Zip Tie Hand Cables: Ok hear me out. I know these are usually used to restrain people on COPS but they can also help someone hold your hand if they can't stop checking TMZ.
  • I have three words for you: GPS. There are many forms of electronic tracking on the market. I like the Mommy I'm Here Bear. This works as an invisible leash.  Let's say you're at the park. You turn around and can't see your mommy. Press on the transmitter and a gentle alarm will go off on the small bear attached to her pant leg. You can even press the button for fun or just to remind her that you're always watching. Is she getting distracted by her dumb friends? Press the button to refocus her attention where it belongs (on you). 

6. Extra Large Jump Wine Glass: Your mother will be excited to see this obviously. This glass holds a 750ml bottle of wine. Toddler, right now you are thinking, "Ok so you know my mom well but how does this gift help me?" With this glass she won't have to leave the room for a refill during bedtime stories. Maybe she'll even read more than two books and let you have some water. The holidays are when dreams come true.

All of the items are here: (get the black zip ties for matching the pants): Gift Guide Items 

If you don't have any money, you can always give her something you stole and hid a long time ago like car keys, phone charger or her debit card. If she gets mad that's on you sorry.


  1. Perfect! Mama needs a new pair of yoga pants =)

  2. lmao absolutely TRUE... black stretchy pants haha I am wearing them now, and ummm, that wine glass....genius!

  3. ...two of those wine glasses. The one I used last night may still be sticky today. I've been so busy responding to false GPS alarms from my darling toddler I haven't had time to do dishes.

  4. I totally asked for new yoga pants.

  5. I am so proud of myself. I am wearing GREY yoga pants today. It's totally different. :)

  6. It's like you ARE my son!!! Thank you for the laughter (and, sort-of, tears...)!!!

  7. I want ALL these things! Except that surveillance garbage. I need space - my body is riddled with debilitating carpool tunnel syndrome.

  8. I was laughing so hard, I was crying!!! This is great!!

  9. When you say I'd choose you over the coffee, obviously you haven't had a salted carmel mocha latte from Starbucks. I'd more than hesitate, HT.

  10. Very moving!!! Also from a grandmother.

  11. HT, you are amazing. Thank you SO much for all of your posts. Merry Christmas!!!

  12. I don't own black stretch pants. Maybe I'm not a mom for real yet. Or maybe it's just because my toddler was born during the recession. Wait, am I then wearing NO Pants??? But um I'll take a wine glass in lieu of pants.

    1. Hi, new here. And my granbaby is 18 months. Wasnt terrible behavoiur tied it to terrible twos. How do I stop the hitting, biting, throwing and tantrums? Help. Give em back granny...

    2. Hi, new here. And my granbaby is 18 months. Wasnt terrible behavoiur tied it to terrible twos. How do I stop the hitting, biting, throwing and tantrums? Help. Give em back granny...

    3. Hi, new here. And my granbaby is 18 months. Wasnt terrible behavoiur tied it to terrible twos. How do I stop the hitting, biting, throwing and tantrums? Help. Give em back granny...

  13. I am wearing my own pair of black yoga pants right now, although I may need to change them since I peed myself a little from laughing. Thanks for the weak bladder childbirth!

  14. Holding the coffee like gold flakes TOTALLY SLAYED ME. So true.

  15. Black yoga pants are THE BEST invention ever! Love the list!


  16. Simply brilliant - although my children are now grown up I remember it well :-)


thanks - HT