This post is for both Adults and Toddlers. Whether you like Pretty Little Liars and Breaking Bad or you are just a pretty little liar who likes to badly break things, keep reading.
You may be asking yourself, "What is preschool?" These brightly-colored correctional facilities are the latest trend in parental abandonment. Despite charging millions and being a hotbed for gang activity, parents are rushing to be the first in line to enroll their children.
But my child can't learn without preschool! Studies have shown that Wow Wow Wubzy is full of educational scenarios. Lots of people who go to preschool still end up on World's Wildest Police Chases. There are no guarantees in life.
My dumb friend told me kids love it. 10 out of 10 toddlers will experience a beating in preschool. Your toddler will be beat in a race or a game. Winning is very important to children and these experiences harm their feelings big time.
I have a job and need to work for income purposes. There are numerous ways to earn dollars for your rent/mortgage/dos equis while taking care of your toddler at home.
1. Collect recyclables as a family from neighborhood dumpsters. Turn then in and watch it begin to rain nickels.
2. Drug companies are always looking for healthy people to test their toxic pills. Some pay up to $7 per physical reaction.
3. Blood plasma is in high demand and it's right under your skin for added convenience.
You've convinced me, thank you. One problem...I've already given this preschool a security deposit and they only give it back if you're asked to leave.
I have Good News. Getting kicked out of preschool is fun and easy. Your toddler can help.
Toddler: Go to school. Memorize the following dialogue.
8:30 AM: Using the crayons provided, draw a picture of a bedroom. Your teacher will ask you about it (not because she's interested, they're trained to do this). Look calm and say, "It's your room at midnight." She'll say "What?" Respond with: "I've been in your house." She'll ask, "When?" Whisper: "You look pretty when you sleep." Kiss her hand.
9AM: These days everyone carries a water bottle. Find your teacher's bottle and hand it to her. Ask her to drink. After she does say, "That was a mistake bye bye." Smile.
9:07 AM: While your teacher is on the phone with poison control find a clean wall and furiously draw as many eyes as you can while screaming "MY FRIENDS WANT TO SEE US."
You should be home by 9:30 latest.
Parents, you can help!
1. Pack a lunch of beef bones for your child. When the teacher asks about it say, "My child loves marrow. All kinds so wear long sleeves."
2. Your teacher will ask if your child is potty trained. Lie and say yes. When your toddler goes through six pairs of borrowed emergency pants say, "Oh I thought you said NAUGHTY trained." Laugh loudly.
3. Bring a medium-sized lizard on a leash to school. Tell the teacher that you're preparing for end times by only letting your toddler eat what he can catch and to release the lizard 45 minutes before lunch time. Be sure to say, "Don't give him any snacks. The hunger helps him focus."
Enjoy your deposit and time as a family. PS. If social services opens a file on your family that's on you.