Friday, August 9, 2013

Open Letter

Dear Mr. Spider (or can I call you Itsy?),

First, I'm a big fan of your work. Your music has seen me through a lot of difficult times: incisors, for one. When I was younger I'd ask for your song on repeat during car trips. I know all of the lyrics and even the lesser known corresponding hand movements. But that's not why I'm reaching out.

I'm writing you today because I'm worried. I know lots of famous musicians live a fast-paced lifestyle but how many spouts is it going to take before you make a change?

I think I can speak for all of your fans when I say that you are headed nowhere. Too many bugs spend their lives chasing their first drain. You can't live your whole life at the end of a pipe.

One of these days the sun isn't going to come out and dry up all the rain in time. What then? WHAT THEN? what then? (<-- please whisper the last "what then")

"But it's just rain water, all natural." So is fire, Bitsy. Fire is all natural. Keep up these bad decisions and next thing you know you'll be doing a remix with Pitbull.

"The Itsy Bitsy Spider climbed up the water spout


Down came the rain and washed the spider out


Is this what you want?

"But I'm a spider. Everybody hates us." That's only partially true. Look at Charlotte. She's literate and her book delights children without cable all over the world.

"I didn't choose the spider life the spider life chose-" Shut up.

I know I'm partially to blame. You wouldn't have so many Daddy long legs issues if I hadn't eaten him. To be honest, I wasn't even hungry. What's the point in rehashing the past anyway? Even if I did throw up there are no guarantees that he'd be the same man you once knew. He tasted like pistachios. I feel like he would want you to know that.

Itsy, it's time to settle down. Make a web. Hatch thousands of kids.

"But your mom is just going to spray them with Windex." I know. So take pictures while they're young, OK?

With love and anticipation of your second album,





  1. Oh my goodness, this is so funny! thank you so much, ht! My favourite? "he tasted like pestashios". OMG, this makes my day all better.

  2. I heard Itsy has a deal with HGTV. He's the Vanilla Ice of the toddler set.

  3. I am relieved to know that I am not the only one who sprays bugs with Windex. I buy the large economy size.

  4. OMG, ROTFL. The Pitbull remix part, hahahahaahah. MIAMI! NEW YORK! Bwahahahaha!

  5. Drop the mic HT. Drop. The. Mic.

  6. Iza Trapani helped Itsy along a little

  7. I just had surgery. I should not be laughing this hard.

  8. Isn't this the toddler equivalent to "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"? LMAO!! "Tasted like pistachio." Bahahaha!!

  9. HT-clearly, your parents have been holding out on you. In the FULL version of the song, not only does the spider go "up the water spout" but also "up the kitchen wall", "up the big ol' tree", and eventually, "without a stop" to spin her web and rest "in the sun".

  10. I just woke up, and no need to get jealous I work nights as an RN, anyhoo this made me spit out my coffee. Something is beyond hilarious when that happens because coffee is nectar of the gods and thou shall not waste this precious life giving liquid.

  11. First off, my mom says that a spider is not an insect, but it has more legs than me. I love only grabbing the most pretty and delicate cups in the house to catch and release you with. One does not want bpa issues. I only release spiders on the concrete porch, so my mom makes another cage or hoop around us as I let you go. I wish she would stop grabbing the glass though...

  12. I like how you started formally (Mr Spider), then progressed to Itsy and then 'Bitsy'.. Getting familiar are we. Lol. I also like how u felt that Dll wld want Itsy to know what he tasted like. This is fricken hilarious!

  13. " thing you know you'll be doing a remix with Pitbull." Lmao

  14. 'what then' - tears are rolling.

  15. Miami.

    New York.

    I need to borrow my daughter's pull-up.


  16. Bahaha, that was straight up the best thing I've read all day!

  17. Today was my daughter's first day of preschool, and we've both been feeling a little sad today. Then I check the website, read this, and laugh so hard I cried. The Pitbull part...I can't even...

    Thank you.

  18. Heather, you just blew my mind out my ear-holes. There's a "full" version? I will be googling those lyrics immediately. My toddler will be overjoyed!

  19. You really should add Google+ to your share thing.

  20. Hilarious! You should come see the spiders in Australia!!! They are working all day long... scaring the c**p out of everyone!

  21. You are awesome. That is all. :)

  22. Full Lyrics

    A good parent would know them all....

  23. HT, let Itsy know that she can board some of her kids at my house. We let the spiders live, as long as they go after the flies.

  24. I died laughing. Poor itsy, the music industry is passing him by. Maybe he should do a pistachio commercial ;)

  25. The itsy bitsy (or eensy weensy) spider
    Climbed up the waterspout
    Down came the rain
    And washed the spider out
    Out came the sun
    And dried up all the rain
    And the itsy bitsy spider
    Climbed up the spout again

    The itsy bitsy spider
    Climbed up the kitchen wall
    Swoosh! went the fan
    And made the spider fall
    Off went the fan
    No longer did it blow
    So the itsy bitsy spider
    Back up the wall did go

    The itsy bitsy spider
    Climbed up the yellow pail
    In came a mouse
    And flicked her with his tail
    Down fell the spider
    The mouse ran out the door
    Then the itsy bitsy spider
    Climbed up the pail once more

    The itsy bitsy spider
    Climbed up the rocking chair
    Up jumped a cat
    And knocked her in the air
    Down plopped the cat
    And when he was asleep
    The itsy bitsy spider
    Back up the chair did creep

    The itsy bitsy spider
    Climbed up the maple tree
    She slipped on some dew
    And landed next to me
    Out came the sun
    And when the tree was dry
    The itsy bitsy spider
    Gave it one more try

    The itsy bitsy spider
    Climbed up without a stop
    She spun a silky web
    Right at the very top
    She wove and she spun
    And when her web was done
    The itsy bitsy spider
    Rested in the sun

  26. This is the funniest thing I have ever seen!

  27. Thiskid does not like 'piders at all, not even the song. He smashes them with a shoe, unless they are big 'piders, then he asks daddy to mash 'em with a big shoe.


thanks - HT