Open Letter

Dear Mr. Spider (or can I call you Itsy?),

First, I'm a big fan of your work. Your music has seen me through a lot of difficult times: incisors, for one. When I was younger I'd ask for your song on repeat during car trips. I know all of the lyrics and even the lesser known corresponding hand movements. But that's not why I'm reaching out.

I'm writing you today because I'm worried. I know lots of famous musicians live a fast-paced lifestyle but how many spouts is it going to take before you make a change?

I think I can speak for all of your fans when I say that you are headed nowhere. Too many bugs spend their lives chasing their first drain. You can't live your whole life at the end of a pipe.

One of these days the sun isn't going to come out and dry up all the rain in time. What then? WHAT THEN? what then? (<-- please whisper the last "what then")

"But it's just rain water, all natural." So is fire, Bitsy. Fire is all natural. Keep up these bad decisions and next thing you know you'll be doing a remix with Pitbull.

"The Itsy Bitsy Spider climbed up the water spout


Down came the rain and washed the spider out


Is this what you want?

"But I'm a spider. Everybody hates us." That's only partially true. Look at Charlotte. She's literate and her book delights children without cable all over the world.

"I didn't choose the spider life the spider life chose-" Shut up.

I know I'm partially to blame. You wouldn't have so many Daddy long legs issues if I hadn't eaten him. To be honest, I wasn't even hungry. What's the point in rehashing the past anyway? Even if I did throw up there are no guarantees that he'd be the same man you once knew. He tasted like pistachios. I feel like he would want you to know that.

Itsy, it's time to settle down. Make a web. Hatch thousands of kids.

"But your mom is just going to spray them with Windex." I know. So take pictures while they're young, OK?

With love and anticipation of your second album,