Royal Baby: Official Statement

Below is the official statement from The Toddler Council in response to the announcement that the royal baby has been born. At this time I am not on the council due to a falling out with the President over whose turn it was to sit in the red chair but I hope to be reinstated soon.

 

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Press Release


From: The Toddler Council of Gloriousness

Date: none of us know the date

Time: post-nap

It has come to our attention that the much awaited "Royal" Baby has arrived.

To William and Kate, we would like to wish you two a heartfelt blank stare followed by crying. Hopefully you will take your calling as parents seriously and get rid of your friends. Babies don't have muscles and their thin necks cannot support the weight of a crown so don't bother. Plus it would send the wrong message. An infant with a crown? LOL.  They're weak, is what we're trying to say.

To the general public, please remember that it is not your job to watch news reports about a baby that may or may not be real. Your job is to pay attention to the toddler in your life. Attention is a funny thing. Like ozone, your child needs it to live and breathe. The royal baby might be interesting but he is first and foremost a stranger. If you use family funds to send this infant a gift consider yourself a thief.

We have been notified that there is no toddler in the royal household so this is not a case of Infant Sibling Disease (ISD), but the public should still be vigilant as we know that even unrelated infants can still cause problems. If you want to see a truly amazing sight, watch a 2 or 3 year-old carry something very heavy. It will make you shake with joy. And fear because we're strong and big.

There have been reports that we are struggling with jealousy. This is a lie. Feel free to leave us alone with the baby because nothing would happen. We just want to touch its eye gently or maybe administer a brief strength test.

Fun Facts About Infants:

  • they sometimes wear shoes even though they can't bend at the knee

  • like criminals, they sleep all day and work nights

  • they don't have favorite shows

  • they don't have favorite snacks

  • they can't control their hands

  • they can't do this (we jumped high)


To the Royal Baby: Much like Simba, you probably "juuuust can't WAIT to be king." That's understandable. Some advice: If that shifty uncle of yours invites you and your dad for a walk near a cliff, bring a weapon.

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