Monday, July 22, 2013

Royal Baby: Official Statement

Below is the official statement from The Toddler Council in response to the announcement that the royal baby has been born. At this time I am not on the council due to a falling out with the President over whose turn it was to sit in the red chair but I hope to be reinstated soon.

 

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Press Release


From: The Toddler Council of Gloriousness

Date: none of us know the date

Time: post-nap

It has come to our attention that the much awaited "Royal" Baby has arrived.

To William and Kate, we would like to wish you two a heartfelt blank stare followed by crying. Hopefully you will take your calling as parents seriously and get rid of your friends. Babies don't have muscles and their thin necks cannot support the weight of a crown so don't bother. Plus it would send the wrong message. An infant with a crown? LOL.  They're weak, is what we're trying to say.

To the general public, please remember that it is not your job to watch news reports about a baby that may or may not be real. Your job is to pay attention to the toddler in your life. Attention is a funny thing. Like ozone, your child needs it to live and breathe. The royal baby might be interesting but he is first and foremost a stranger. If you use family funds to send this infant a gift consider yourself a thief.

We have been notified that there is no toddler in the royal household so this is not a case of Infant Sibling Disease (ISD), but the public should still be vigilant as we know that even unrelated infants can still cause problems. If you want to see a truly amazing sight, watch a 2 or 3 year-old carry something very heavy. It will make you shake with joy. And fear because we're strong and big.

There have been reports that we are struggling with jealousy. This is a lie. Feel free to leave us alone with the baby because nothing would happen. We just want to touch its eye gently or maybe administer a brief strength test.

Fun Facts About Infants:

  • they sometimes wear shoes even though they can't bend at the knee

  • like criminals, they sleep all day and work nights

  • they don't have favorite shows

  • they don't have favorite snacks

  • they can't control their hands

  • they can't do this (we jumped high)


To the Royal Baby: Much like Simba, you probably "juuuust can't WAIT to be king." That's understandable. Some advice: If that shifty uncle of yours invites you and your dad for a walk near a cliff, bring a weapon.

[caption id="attachment_964" align="aligncenter" width="300"]this could have been prevented this could have been prevented[/caption]

26 comments:

  1. Waited till my toddler was awake and read this to him. He agrees completely with The Toddler Councils statement.

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  2. Finally! A word of sense and sensibility in this baby-crazed world! thank you, toddler council of gloriousness!

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  3. As a UK citizen from the especially blessed northern region of Scotland (and particularly and appropriately from the ancient Kingdom of Fife - check it out!) I want to pass on the personal appreciation of Bill And Cath for this thoughtful and very meaningful aid to new parents. (A knighthood may be in the offing but I can't say any more at the moment).

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  4. Stephanie Christine CarlsonJuly 22, 2013 at 2:16 PM

    My mom had to call and tell me this happened because we were too busy watching Doc McStuffins and having a rice krispie treat to be fully in the loop.

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  5. My husband and I laughed so hard at this. My toddler concurs with the statement.

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  6. Bring your own chair everywhere you go and establish primacy that way. Just an idea.

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  7. I was really impressed with how high you jumped. Would you care to do it again...multiple times? I promise to watch every single time!

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  8. Shifty uncle.... Awesome. I hope Harry sees this one day, I think he'd laugh!!!

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  9. I was going to send the royal baby some red drink. I'm glad I read this first. I'm off to apologize to my toddler.

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  10. "Shifty uncle"? You mean like the princes in the tower? It runs in the family....

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  11. I think sending the new infant prince a box of broken Ritz crackers would send the appropriate message!

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  12. BabysittersarecoolJuly 22, 2013 at 8:28 PM

    Rice krispie treats are awesome

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  13. I think you mean, like oxygen, not like ozone.

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  14. I loved this. It makes so much sense. Over here in the states, IA cannot understand why people are so obsessed with the royalty. The people over here a bit over 200 years hated English royalty, now why in the heck are we obsessed with them, or, some of us? I'm glad for Kate and William, but, I don't think it needs to make new. Especially front page, headline news. anywhere. At any time.

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  15. Sorry for all the misspellings in that last comment, I just woke up.

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  16. No. Ozone. The ozone layer.

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  17. As the Grandmother of a short human, "baby" some call her. I would like to post this address on her part. She speaks very little. Like the Godfather. "This Prince (imagine raspy voice here) he is going have a title, yea? Estates? Then we must be happy for him. But nobody gets my mom. Are we clear, here?" She is quite firm on this.

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  18. Has Kate had her baby yet? We've been playing on the beach for the past 72 hours straight... (just came in for cheese sandwiches and chocolate biscuits)

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  19. I have it on good authority that the baby was not simply pushed out like a commoner. No, he strode out of his flesh palace stradling the royal placenta as if it were a majestic steed...

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  20. Read this to the short one. And once she got over being mad at me because I interrupted Special Agent Oso she agreed. But, she also didn't know there was a country there with a king. She just wanted to go back to her popcorn and Disney Jr.

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  21. Best. Official. Statement. EVER!
    Btw, the shifty uncle part, priceless, there is just something about that Harry I just can't pin down...I'd keep an eye on him if I were Georgie...

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  22. I so agree with you, HT. Around here we know who the real "prince" is and he lives in our house not some drafty castle in England.

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thanks - HT