I want to state this very clearly for the press: I am not, nor have I ever been, tired.
Have I closed my eyes in my lifetime? Yes. Who hasn't. But never...never was I sleepy.
There are photos circulating around Facebook that allegedly depict me in various states of unconsciousness. I can neither confirm nor deny that they are me but if you distribute them you are not invited to my birthday party.
I am not the kind of person who would knowingly engage in a nap nor stay in their own bed for any extended period of time. Anyone who knows me personally or professionally can attest to the fact that I consistently cause bedtime problems. Not only do I guard against my own slumber, I work tirelessly to disrupt the sleep of others.
I have in my possession a torn affidavit from my parents:
"It's true. We need help."
I'd like to formally take a moment to apologize to the toddler community if these lies have caused you doubt. If it means anything, this morning I asked for a complicated breakfast and did not, I repeat did not, eat it.
My faith in and fear of Santa will see me through this difficult time.
I ask that you please respect the privacy of my family unless it's to drop off* snacks.
*Don't look at me