Monday, July 8, 2013

Official Statement

By now many of you have heard the allegations against me. These rumors are getting out of control and I feel like it's time to address them publicly.

I want to state this very clearly for the press: I am not, nor have I ever been, tired.

Have I closed my eyes in my lifetime? Yes. Who hasn't. But never...never was I sleepy.

There are photos circulating around Facebook that allegedly depict me in various states of unconsciousness. I can neither confirm nor deny that they are me but if you distribute them you are not invited to my birthday party.

I am not the kind of person who would knowingly engage in a nap nor stay in their own bed for any extended period of time. Anyone who knows me personally or professionally can attest to the fact that I consistently cause bedtime problems. Not only do I guard against my own slumber, I work tirelessly to disrupt the sleep of others.

I have in my possession a torn affidavit from my parents:
"It's true. We need help."



I'd like to formally take a moment to apologize to the toddler community if these lies have caused you doubt. If it means anything, this morning I asked for a complicated breakfast and did not, I repeat did not, eat it.

My faith in and fear of Santa will see me through this difficult time.

I ask that you please respect the privacy of my family unless it's to drop off* snacks.

love,

HT

*Don't look at me









34 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post! Our 3 year old is giving us a run for our money with nap and bed time and this was a welcome laugh!

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  2. Once you start admitting to sleep, it's a slippery slope to coveting naps, and then you are pretty much a grown-up. Gross.

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  3. "A torn affidavit." I don't know why that makes me laugh the hardest. Maybe the rest just hits too close to home.

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  4. This is why siblings are so great. My 2 & 4 year old divide and conquer. One takes on nap time, one bed time. They also alternate who wakes up in the middle of the night. Assuring that we never get a full nights rest, nor are we able to close our eyes during the day.

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  5. Hahaha OMG this is the best, love following @HonestToddler on Twitter, keep those laughs coming!

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  6. The last asterisk put me over the edge laughing!

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  7. We are trying to figure out how you are communicating with our Toddler. We ask that you please stop. Yesterday he looked at me and said "nap time" by the time he was put in his crib it had become "play time." He will also now no longer eat broken goldfish.

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  8. This is an official request that you C&D all communications with my two year old. "I want to take a nap" has turned in to excessive screaming to be let out of his bedroom. It cannot continue like this. *I* cannot continue like this. There are messes to be cleaned that can only be done when he is resting. My house is a disaster. I feel as though you would approve, but I am begging you to stop.

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  9. don't look at me. laughed so hard.

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  10. I. Can't. Stop. Laughing. ( and crying. It's soooo true)

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  11. This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. My 5-year old has clearly started freelance writing already.

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  12. Cameron : I knew that you could not just be playing games and watching Sesame Street on my iPad. Now I know that you have been blogging about me behind my back. Thanks a million .

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  13. dear honest toddler-

    your statement, while bold in its honesty, does not, however, abrogate the "at least 30 minutes in your room without lights, noise, or other and sundry distractions" regulation by which the sanity in this house is preserved.

    continued insouciance to this ordinance will result in, at minimum, an increase of the sentence of your quarantine until such time as seen fit by the presiding officer of the home, be it a parent or other temporary caretaker thereof.

    i assure you that the protestations are heard, repeatedly, and that, while i empathize with your position, i act in concordance with the best interests of the other home dwellers (or, "family members") as well as your own.

    such conduct serves only to prolong the duration of the situation, and causes extreme emotional distress and physical discomfort to the other residents of the habitat.

    yours truly,

    daddy

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  14. My toddler asks for naps... Is he broken?

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  15. ya sean, about the closing door thing. careful. our darling closed the door on me last night. kind of mute point when I'm opening up the door to check in. #cardplayed

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  16. Yes, Brad...your toddler is broken. However, do not admit to anyone else as the sleep fairy will think you are bragging that YOU have some how managed to keep a napping child in your possession longer than one should be allowed and shall revoke your sleeping/cleaning privileges that these toddler naps have provided.

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  17. [...] Honest Toddler has released a statement re: allegations that he was [...]

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  18. My kids are these ages and these exact stages as well. Yay for divide and conquer!

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  19. OUR DOG LOOKED AT ME. HE DID NOT EVEN BRING SNACKS. PLEASE ASSIST IN IMMIDIATE ACTION. I SAID PLEASE SO YOU HAVE TO DO IT RIGHT?

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  20. I don't know H.T....
    When you're older you'll covet naptime...
    As for my 19 month old, I ask if he's ready for a nap, he'll tell me 'no', but all to soon he's asleep...
    And bedtime... He's ready earl and sleeps an easy 12 hours straight!!!
    I'll have to keep this 'Official Statement' from him, so he doesn't get any crazy ideas...
    Best Wishes to your parents through this trying time... :0)

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  21. It's a shame a statement of this caliber was even necessary. On behalf of my toddler and other difficult, er, independent gals and guys everywhere, I applaud your commitment to being wiiiiide awake at 2am, et. al.

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  22. dinosaurprincessmamJuly 10, 2013 at 10:11 AM

    Dear Honest Toddler:

    Your protestations about tiredness notwithstanding, the American public needs to know:

    Do you now, or will you ever, need to go potty?

    Note: Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

    Hmmm, river. Water. Rushing, tinkling water....

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  23. What a delicious sense of humour you have!

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  24. "Don't look at me"- Well now there is a familiar phrase.
    I promise to stop looking, but it is a two way street.
    When at the park you need to stop yelling "look at me!" every
    5 seconds. You may just think I am mindlessly surfing
    the web, but remember. You can order snacks online and
    you just may be interrupting that.

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  25. This is a really good site post, im pleased I came across this. Ill return down the course to check out other posts that

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  26. This is the correct blog if you wants to find out about this topic. You realize a lot its virtually hard to claim with you (not that I actually would likely want

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  27. For parents desperate for naps, a last resort is to use reverse psychology on them. When they start rubbing their eyes in the afternoon go "Nooooo! You can't possibly be sleepy now! I want to play another round of dollhouse!". Try to muster your best acting. Pretend like you're getting a shot at an Oscar, if you must.

    Sometimes, your continued entreaties for them to keep playing through tiredness will actually entice your toddler to straight out say "nap time?". Rush them to the bed before they have time to change their mind, but for goodness sake, don't give yourself away: no smiling or giggling in glee. You don't want them to see right through the ruse.

    If it fails, move bedtime to 6 PM.

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  28. My favorite is the "Don't look at me" part! Although of course the post is funny in its entirety. We’d be honored if you submitted a piece to Great Moments in Parenting, an open blog where moms and dads share the agony and ecstasy of life with kids. We’re happy to link back to your website. Here’s the link to submit: http://greatmomentsinparenting.com/log-in/. Thanks for considering it!

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  29. OMG - this is hilarious I nearly spilled water out of mouth! Welcome to my world...thanks for the mid-afternoon pick-me-up!

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  30. I used to idolize Jessica Alba and her stance her healthier lifestyles for our kids but this just makes her look like a money grubbing celeb who has all her attorneys and PR guys out to hunt the little people.. So what now a MOM cant have a blog or website with the name HONEST in it. Lost all respect for her and her company and will NEVER buy from them now. Hollywood needs to learn that they don't own ALL the words in the dictionary and cant SUE every person who tries to use a similar WORD ... They have made themselves look like asses, I feel for you and sorry you are going through this.

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  31. Hang in there. You are right and stand your ground. THere are lots of people behind you.

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  32. "... this morning I asked for a complicated breakfast and did not, I repeat did not, eat it."

    So true. Weekends, it's "Phaphel (waffle) time" at home. After helping making them from scratch, toddlers only gives ONE bite and leaves. WTF?

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thanks - HT