Dear IRS

Dear IRS,

First, I wanted to thank you for the social security number. It was truly unexpected and your generosity did not go unnoticed. I don’t care that you gave me a business card with numbers on it instead of a real, good present. Probably because you’re just starting to get to know me.

Second, I like your letters. “R” is actually one of my all-time favorites as it resembles a park slide. “S” also looks like a slide, just the type that would damage people. But for 2-3 seconds before the drop-off planted their face hard into the earth they would have the time of their lives.

IRS, you and I have a lot in common. People are quick to judge those who collect money whether it be for taxes or mouth polishing. I’m sure you’ve heard someone you love say, “What’s in your mouth? Is that my money? Give it back! Why are you like this?” Maybe then they go on to compare you to other children.

You may be wondering why I’m writing today as I did not earn a formal income this year. It’s a common misconception that toddlers are liars. This is only partially correct. We do get confused about the truth, but who doesn’t. Everyone knows that adults lie all the time.

I’ve been meaning to call you!

Is this your baby? Wow so cute.

We all make up stories sometimes whether it be about a poo poo on the couch you had nothing to do with or infants that look like someone swaddled a twice baked potato. What I want to help do is hold people accountable. This brings me to the real reason I’m reaching out to your criminal organization.*

*their words, not mine.

It has come to my attention that I was listed as a “dependent” by my caregivers on important government documents. Dependent. See, that’s a funny word because it implies that somebody depends on someone else who then meets their needs. I’m not trying to get anyone in trouble here and it is not my goal to see people I care about incarcerated for more than a couple of days, I just want to make sure your definition of “dependent” is as flexible (read: shaky) as theirs is.

Quick question: would a dependent hear the following phrases on a regular basis:

1. “Get your shoes on by yourself or I’ll put them on you as aggressively as possible.”

2. “Yes, you can walk, stand up right now before I tell Santa to stomp your gifts.”

3. “I’m going to count to three and if those toys that are too big for your hands aren’t picked up I’ll burn them all.”

I believe it would help parents if you outlined exactly who qualifies as a dependent so that they don’t engage in fraud. You’re right if you’re thinking a day or two behind bars would probably scare them straight so let’s not rule that out.

I have written a sample document below that you are free distribute. Don’t feel like you need to repay me with a gift. It can be hard to know what kinds of things people like.

IRS Document: Who Is A Dependent

A Guide For Lazy/All Parents

So you want to receive cash rewards for taking in dependents? Not so fast. Seriously, put your hand down. Before we start counting out your gold we need to know that you aren’t doing a terrible job. Take the following quiz to see if you are currently in good standing and fulfilling the basic needs of your “dependent.”

1. It’s 8:59 PM. Duck Dynasty will start any minute but your toddler is having a difficult time remembering how her stuffed friends are supposed to be arranged on her bed. She knows that Tiger likes to be next to Lion for obvious reasons but where should Sheep (their natural enemy) go? You hear the opening song to your show in the next room and don’t have DVR. Do you:

a) Help her look on the Internet for solutions and information about wildlife including their nocturnal habits for as long as it takes.

b) Rush her through the process making her have nightmares about both you and her home life.

c) Lie down on her bedroom floor and cry silently.

If you chose A: This is a classic parent/dependent relationship. Look for paper money in the mail.

If you chose B: This is a classic abusive ringleader/circus elephant relationship. Look for a fine in the mail.

If you chose C: This is OK as long as you don’t try to get attention. 

Have you thought or said any of the following:

2. “Toddlers should help around the house. Yes, they are so small and deserve childhoods but I am going to search “Chores for Toddlers” on Google and do whatever loudmouth bloggers say.  (circle yes/no)

3. “It’s 3AM and I know I heard my name being called from my young toddler’s room. Maybe if I ignore it he’ll assume that we left in the night and faint.” (circle yes/no)

4. “My toddler wants me to sing this song with him again. This will make 48 times in a row. I love music but hate seeing kids happy. Time to wander off.”  circle (yes/no)

If you said yes to one or more of the above questions deliver a firm slap to your own face. If it makes you feel better say, “We don’t hit” into the air.

We at the IRS want to make sure that your dependent can depend on you. The following behaviors are not only unacceptable but will result in us coming to your home to further evaluations and to retrain your demon spirit.

Thank you for taking the time to consider my recommendations. It feels strange and foreign to have someone’s attention for more than a few seconds at a time. Since we’re talking about money, if a relative gives you a $20 and your caregiver, rather than saving for your future, uses it to buy wedges (these are a type of sandals), how do you bring about charges? I have hundreds of examples like this if anyone from your office wants to come by and write them down for the trial.

love, HT