Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dear Juice CEO

Dear Juice CEO,

First, congrats on an excellent product. I'm doing a slow clap right now that is getting faster by the second. Now I'm standing up and clapping at an even quicker pace.

You somehow managed to take the best part of fruit, dress it up with some color, and make it available to children around the world. I didn't lead with this fact but I'm an anthropologist which means I notice things. One of the scary trends I've picked up on is the SLANDER CAMPAIGN being led by parents afraid of your technology.

Do you know how the average toddler enjoys juice? A parent pours two tablespoons into a cup, walks over to the sink and lets a room temperature geyser rush in and destroy the flavor molecules. Then they hand this broken cocktail to their child and we're supposed to accept it like a Golden Globe all grateful. It tastes like biting into an orange after brushing your teeth. It's actually worse than plain water if you can believe that. Most toddlers just drink it out of anger.

I hope what I'm saying is making you furious. Unless you want to go out like milk and get replaced with rice beverage and soy drink you need to respond swiftly. The first thing I'd do is change the name. "Juice" is classic but like diarrhea or ringworm, the term has a stigma now. Below are my suggestions:

Liquid Happy

Orchard Water

Dancing Nectar

Nature's Excretions


Use all of them if you want, I don't care. Your company is in danger. It's a status symbol these days for parents to tell other parents things like, "My toddler has never had juice." It's right up there with "We don't have a TV" or "We eat paleo." Juice CEO, unless you want to end up working in a corner liquor store selling Funyuns, spring into defensive action.

High fructose? I don't judge. Maybe that fructose is going through something right now and needs to be high. Maybe it's prescription. Better than bank robbery fructose, am I right? Put that on the box. Say "It's better than bank robbery fructose." And genetically modified- I don't even know what that means but I have so many genes in my body and all of them want to be modified by a juice box right now.

Juice CEO, I don't want water. I spent 9 months floating in that. I'm very familiar and know what it tastes like. There's a reason it's free and drops right out of the sky; it's boring. I want to drink something that stains my face. When your juice leaves colors on my teeth it's like it's signing the yearbook of my mouth, you know?

Parents walk around like they're trained detectives, "What's in this juice? What are the ingredients?" Shut it down and tell them it's a secret family recipe! "Is it 100% juice?" It's 100% something! What do you think there are fractions in there? "But is it organic?" Yes, it's from Earth, all organic materials no space rocks just stop! It's funny, when it comes to adult beverages none of these questions seem to apply. It doesn't matter that coffee literally looks like raptor poo, they drink it like they're being chased. You could be an uncle, child, mother, or father- get between an adult and their coffee juice and they will cut you down. But juice that is made with or inspired by fruits is a problem.

Juice CEO, call your friends. Get Willy Wonka on the phone and tell him you need help. Send some red this way if you have extra as we are fresh out. I don't have any cash on me but I know where to get a debit card and can put it in the mail for you. Just take what you need out of an ATM. If you get caught with it please don't mention my name as things could get bad for me here. You understand.

love, HT

 

 

Monday, January 28, 2013

Guest Post: Real Actual Doctor

This post is for Adults. If you spend half your paycheck on Omega 3s, keep reading.

Today's post is by a guest: a real actual doctor with glasses just like the title says. This doctor is sitting right next to me wearing one of those long white dress shirts with two pockets. You can't see the doctor because you're not here but that doesn't mean you should go around calling people liars. Anyway it takes one to know one so what does that say about you.



This flesh and blood non hologram doctor decided to visit my office that I have but didn't mention before because it doesn't matter (stop with the questions this is why very few people like you). 100% of parents believe that they are breathing encyclopedias with full knowledge. "This is a lie," said the doctor, "You are so prideful." Read the doctor's post below to learn more about your gaps in wisdom. love, HT

The Fifth Trimester by a respected doctor with certificates

Hello parent! First, I'm not your friend. Cancel all future appointments and buy your toddler an iPad. Also, I tested your child's blood levels and found that he/she (can't remember) is dangerously low in caramel. You cannot trust anything I say but for the next few minutes, I've committed myself to the truth.

In a human pregnancy there are three trimesters. The first is when a fish egg is just doing its thing deep inside your blood. The second is when the fish egg turns on you and starts taking vitamins from your bones. The third is when the fish converts to people and pushes its way past your private parts to join the world. Now you have a baby. Hopefully this is your first and only one. Nobody needs two (or three or four stop being crazy). Many think that there is a fourth trimester and infants need special attention. Hold on to your almond milk- you're gross- because I have news!

THERE IS A TRIMESTER NUMBER FIVE. NEW DISCOVERY.


You heard it right from me, a professional with awards. Just because your toddler is wicked talented at everything doesn't mean she's ready to walk a lot, sleep in a room by herself, or pick papers off of the floor even if she scattered them by accident. Confused about this proven logic?

Here are some examples of tasks that are too much for someone in their fifth trimester:

1. Talking: Saying "thank you" or "hello" to people can cause pain of the mouth.

2. Eating unassisted: Young gifted children in their fifth trimester need to be fed while sitting in your lap and leaning their head against your chest for moral support.

3. Being grateful: Ouch!  :(

4. Alone time: Contrary to popular belief, there is never a wrong time to hold hands. Get into it.

5. Feet on the floor: In cultures where they care about children, they usually carry their young. It's up to you to decide how you want to be remembered.

Much like fire, toddlers can be your joy or destroy your life/personal belongings. This has nothing to do with them but everything to do with your attitude. So many doctors agree with everything I've just said. All of them actually. You can go behind my back and ask them or for once in your life trust somebody. If you do ask and they say no, they're just being sarcastic because it's so obvious. They also respect you less so congrats on making that happen.

Because I went to a very expensive medical school to learn how to spread that long sheet of white paper for butts, this consultation is not free. You send me some vending machine snacks and we can call this even.images
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It's me again! While you chatted with your adult friend I was here lying on the floor having quiet time. I can tell you feel ashamed of yourself due to what you've learned. Just remember, your toddler probably isn't mad at you, just disappointed.

Monday, January 7, 2013

The Nap Window

This post is for TO (Toddlers Only). If you have unsavory and disturbing hair on your body that you weren't born with or don't get so excited about chewy granola bars that you instinctively start running in place, go find something to do. Can't think of anything? Organize the receipts in your wallet or stack some mail point is, you need to go.

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why are you still here

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can't follow simple instructions

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LOOK IT'S A FOOD TRUCK SERVING WHIMSICAL FLAVOR COMBINATIONS THAT FLY IN THE FACE OF GEOGRAPHY

Now that we're alone I wanted to let you in on something every toddler needs to know. Have you heard of the Nap Window? It's time for you to learn how to shatter it with your fist. No, it's not made of glass. That would be too easy. The Nap Window is made of oppression and forged in the flaming hot tears of toddlers around the globe.

What would you say if I told you there was a way to cancel your nap time. This isn't about asking for 6 cups of water, perfectly timed poops, or pulling down the curtains in your room- those tactics are classics but will only earn you a white participation belt in my dojo. If you're ready for nunchucks and a 100-karat gold waistbelt sewn with thread from black unicorn manes, keep reading.

Right now you think naps are timed haphazardly. Your caregiver gets tired of looking at your face and five minutes later you're laying face up on the thinnest fitted sheet money can buy, right? No. I mean, yes, they are tired of seeing and hearing you but forced day sleep is planned hours in advance. It's actually a very complex mathematical formula that I don't have time to get into right now that is designed to have you sleeping exactly in the center of the day as not to disturb your inevitable night time sleep. That's right. These people brought you into the world and all they can think about is the next time you'll be unconscious.

Adults need routine and once their agenda is thrown off, 99% of them will become disoriented and will surrender their entire day's plan. The other 1% will cry on and off while eating snack-sized Snickers bars until nightfall. Crushing the Nap Window means you have to somehow toss a nail into this robotic system and destroy your parent's projected schedule from the inside out.

"But how?" you're asking. This is going to blow your mind, but the answer is as simple as good behavior. I'm not saying you need to start a gratitude journal and start spot cleaning your clothes calm down. No need to go crazy. Just stay under the radar. Come 10:00AM begin handling issues yourself. Play with your toys without asking for help. We both know they're terrible at staying in character anyway. Don't ask for a snack, there's plenty of trail mix-style food in crevices around your home. Meals taste so much better when you catch them yourself.

What you'll notice is that your caregiver's mind will begin to drift into either a state of extreme relaxation or productivity. Depending on the slacker level of your parent (right now I'm in the presence of a Level 10 Do Nothing) they'll either get an early jump on taxes or spend three hours alternating between creating "ambitious" new Pinterest boards and TMZ.com. It doesn't matter. The minutes will turn into hours. Once/If lunch is eventually served, eat is leisurely and calmly. Nothing aggravates a parent into accelerated nap time mode than crying. Be cool.

Mind your composure. Be clearly alert but not wired like someone high on red drink. Speak loudly and clearly of your goals for the afternoon. Shout positive affirmations. Ask if you can learn letters (don't actually learn them lol). Request to speak on the phone with a relative.

Help clean up from lunch. <--. This may cause shooting pains up your arm, if it does stop. None of this is worth your well being.

If you've followed the steps above and manage to get to 1:30PM, or 2PM you're a capital B Boss. It's too late for nap time. The only thing your warden- just kidding- fears more than an afternoon indoors with crazy overtired you is a loco night. Do you see? Now it's time to be yourself. Do you. Whatever that means, do you.

Self-control isn't something we're known for and this won't work every day but save the wisdom I've just sprinkled over you like Cheeto dust and put it in your arsenal. You might get to watch a show you normally sleep through or visit the park during non-peak hours. Maybe the person responsible for you will fall asleep on the couch at 4PM giving you a few minutes alone for whatever. If you are particularly lucky and the stars align, someone may decide that you've outgrown naps all together. This will only be temporary, but imagine days that seem 50 hours long. It's a dream come true.

When you skip your nap, the possibilities are endless. Endless. (Whisper the second "endless" and hold the "s" a little bit.)