Friday, November 9, 2012

How To Get Kicked Out of Preschool

I've heard the same story over and over. Kid is having the best day ever wearing new clothes and new shoes visiting what they think is some kind of fancy orphanage when BAM they look up and daddy is waving goodbye while mama cries in the hallway.

PRESCHOOL. It's real.

Preschool is what happens when you've taken it too far on a regular basis. It's a holding cell for toddlers. Expect hours of forced sleeping, lunch meat, and craft labor. Most preschools also do circle time which is where you recite spells for days on end.

There is hope if you find yourself incarcerated. Two words: get yourself kicked out. I know what you're thinking but it's not enough to call the teacher "mommy." You have to go big. Use the handy guide below. Good luck. Don't drink the juice unless you like poison.

How to Get Kicked Out of Preschool in Seven Easy Steps

1. Whether in jail or the workplace, all adults know that on day one it's important to cause bodily harm to a friend. Same is true for preschool if you want to be asked to leave. Look for a small, weak child who appears to have skipped breakfast. Don't overdo it or the real police may get involved. When asked "why" just say, "they told me to" and point to the air.

2. Find a teacher with a gentle spirit. Go up to her with a sweet look on your face and tell her you have a secret. When she bends down, make your eyes go dead and say, "They're coming for you." She'll look sick and say, "Who?" Just smile and repeat. This teacher will avoid you for the rest of the day.

3. Find the teacher you spoke with earlier. Make eye contact again and whisper, "Are you scared? You should be." She will look visibly upset. You're doing great.

4. At some point, they will give you crayons and paper. Do your best to draw a stick figure in a lake of fire. Take the picture to your special teacher. Narrate the scene emphasizing that she is the one eternally floating in lava. You parents will be called soon.

5. Pee in your pants. While someone is helping you change, sing The Rose in a haunting, soulful voice. You can find the lyrics here.

6. During naptime, wait until the room is silent. Jump up suddenly and yell, "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" in a celebration voice. Mom and dad will be there shortly.

7. You're almost done but it's important that you are not asked to just go home for today. You need to be deleted from their file system and have your social security number permanently blocked from enrollment. While your teacher is rushing to gather your belongings and put your shoes on, touch her hair and say, "This will soon all be mine."

Your mother and father are in the parking lot and will be taking you home. Don't worry about your teachers sharing your actions. They will mostly likely just say that you aren't quite ready for preschool and that perhaps next year is a better time to start at a different location. You did well. Enjoy playing with your own toys.

PS. If for some reason you are subject to a surprise exorcism sorry.