Paper

Everyone knows that adults tend to by hypocrites when it comes to food and can rarely keep their story straight. While they'll repeatedly ask toddlers to try new, healthy dishes, they do not believe that principle applies to them and often end their nights with their hand in a cereal box.

Big people struggle with mealtime. Have you ever seen one of them eat a salad? Everyone knows a cold meal of various vegetables should be regarded as a severe punishment but they try their best to pretend as if they enjoy it. Four cups of salad "dressing", a handful of cheese, and 54 croutons later, they're still eating that salad at the speed of light trying to get it over with.

I feel sorry for adults but my primary goal in life is to help people so I'm focusing my efforts there.

One food that I'd like adults to relax their aging muscles about is paper. Paper grows on trees and is technically a vegetable although I believe it digests like a carbohydrate. Unfortunately these are trying times for children who often find themselves having to eat paper in secret, either behind drapes or in a closet, but I am confident that one day this culinary treat will go mainstream.

For adults who want to live their truth and be adventurous, I've written a guide to easing into making paper a regular part of your diet.

Enjoying Paper

There are lots of different varieties of paper to choose from: faxes, construction paper (try red), confetti, toilet....I could go on all day. My personal favorite is receipts. I wouldn't say they melt in my mouth but sometimes I think about the smooth texture and get a craving. Receipts are also a fantastic weekday dinner option. Many people confuse grocery receipts with ATM receipts; they are actually quite different but that is an advanced lesson and you're not ready.

A big problem with most foods is that they have flavor. Paper is different because it allows people to focus on the delicious texture of our snack without worrying about tasting anything.

Selection

Once you have spotted the paper you'd like to sample, the first step is to acquire it. This is harder than it sounds because paper eating is considered taboo by people who can't mind their business.

Ask yourself:

Is anyone looking at me?


If someone is indeed watching you, you'll need to act fast, but intelligently. Walk over to the paper. Pick it up like you're going to read. This will get the person looking at you very excited. Make letter sounds. The person in charge of you will wet their pants with happiness and think you are a genius. Their dreams are about to be dashed but that is not your concern.

Take three large steps AWAY from your supervisor. At this point you have options. You can either A) take a moderate bite of paper or  B) cram as much paper as you can into your mouth while running away.

I suggest B. You'll notice that I didn't say "take a small nibble." You only do that if you have privacy.

Did someone give me this paper or do I need to snatch it?


If the paper is not in your hand, you will have to hunt it yourself. Paper is relatively easy to find and will not fight back. Check the floor first whether you're in public or at home. Banks are full of paper. It is usually the full-bodied glossy brochure variety (whoa, my mouth is watering), but there is plenty to go around.

When a person is done praying for money at an ATM machine, they will be rewarded for their lack of basic budgeting skills with a receipt. Reach up and ask for it. If they say no (ew), look for one on the floor.

Consequences

Once another adult notices that you have eaten paper, they will become full of jealous rage and try to steal it. Do not be surprised if you end up in a bear hold with arms held to your side while a thief ransacks your mouth with their fingers. If it's your lucky day, you already swallowed. If not, too bad, cause you're about to be burgled.

Conclusion

The most important thing to remember when hunting, gathering, finding, and eating paper is finders keepers. Fun Fact: You may or may not see an altered form of your paper 3-4 hours after consumption.

Paper money is the caviar of all papers and usually has a subtle hint of hand flavor. If you dare to eat this, savor the moment because thunder will come. Leftovers can be stored in plain view.