Thursday, September 27, 2012
1. The Giving Tree
Don't be confused by the title. This book is about taking, more specifically, taking everything you can and then taking a bit more just to be safe.
In this book a young boy with beautiful overalls kills a tree over the course of many years.
I love this story because it shows me that everything is mine just like I thought. "Reach for the stars," this book says, "hit them out of the sky with a stick."
2. Blueberries For Sal
Oh I love this book.
This is a heartwarming tale about a kid tragically named Sal. After Sal and her mother lose everything they are forced to steal fruit from nature. Like all gifted children, Sal cannot control her behavior and almost gets her and her mother killed by bears. This does not change how Santa feels about Sal or how many presents she will receive because forgiveness is the key.
My favorite part is where Sal steals food and nobody yells. Imagine that.
3. The Very Hungry Caterpillar
This is as book about an insect who will soon be dead because it has no instincts. It's a very sad story so don't read it at night or if you're alone.
The moral of this story is to not eat people food unless you're a people. Should go without saying.
Enjoy the life-like photos in this horrible tale. This book will melt if you give it a bath so keep your receipt.
4. The Freshest Produce For Less
This is a book that I read when I need a good scare. It's frightening- keep it away from those with weak dispositions.
The first time I saw The Freshest Produce For Less I threw up pure milk.
Next to each food you'll see a number. That's how many tears it has caused.
The "Great Fresh Variety" section will make you wonder if anyone cares.
Only read this book on Mondays so that you have the whole week to get right.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
The reason I had this dream was because inside of my body, an unsatisfactory dinner was destroying me. I can't even remember what we had but it wasn't something I'd serve a small child unless I hated them. Usually I supervise dinnertime by standing directly underfoot but yesterday I trusted my family not to disappoint me. Wrong again.
Once a meal is made, adults will serve it whether it is successful or not because of pride. I'm here to say that with a little doctoring, any meal can go from disgusting to delicious. It's easy! Put your beverage down and let's begin!
Meatloaf and Mashed Potatoes with Glazed Carrots
Step 1: Put the glazed carrots in a microwave-safe bowl and throw them in the outside trash.
Step 2: Cut your meatloaf into slices and roll them on a cutting board until they become hot dogs.
Step 3: Spread the mashed potatoes on a large plate. Cut into sticks. Put the sticks in the oven. Bake until french fries happen.
Step 4: Serve the hot dogs (no buns) and fries to your happy family.
Almond-Crusted Halibut and Green Beans
Step 1: Give the green beans to a homeless individual.
Step 2: Take the almonds off of the halibut.
Step 3: Put the halibut on a clean surface.
Step 4: Ask yourself what halibut is.
Step 5: Google "halibut" on your home computer.
Step 6: Hold back your tears when you find out.
Step 7: Gently place halibut in the outside trash next to the carrots.
Step 8: Order tacos.
You've probably picked up your beverage. Put it back down.
Tuna Noodle Casserole
Step 1: Take the Tuna Noodle Casserole out of the oven.
Step 2: Arrange sticks of dynamite.
Step 3: Go outside.
Step 4: Explode your house.
Step 5: Go to Sizzler or a buffet.
Chicken Pot Pie
Step 1: Put Chicken Pot Pie on the table.
Step 2: Buy a regular delicious pie.
Step 3: Put a large blanket over Chicken Pot Pie.
Step 4: Eat regular pie.
Step 1: When you start smelling smells, take Beef Stroganoff off of the stove.
Step 2: Pour Beef Stroganoff over fresh pasta, potatoes, or rice who cares.
Step 3: Place individual servings on plates.
Step 4: Say goodbye to your neighbors.
Step 5: Walk home.
Step 6: Enjoy toast and 100% juice with your family.
Gingered Pork Chops in Orange Juice
Step 1: Apologize to the orange juice.
Step 2: Get a skateboard.
Step 3: Arrange Gingered Pork Chops in Orange Juice on skateboard.
Step 4: Give it a hard push
Step 5: Run.
Congrats, a million times, congrats! What we did there is called compromising. You get to enjoy cooking and your toddler gets to enjoy being alive. What you need to remember is that just because people live with you doesn't mean you get to hurt them with food. Does that make sense?
You are loved. You are appreciated. You're also warned lol.
If you need help finding tacos, do not turn to Pinterest where bad ideas are rewarded with attention. See below.
Tacos in a Mason Jar
What type of tomfoolery is this. ------------------------->
I suppose come dinner time you just throw it against a wall and try to find meat amongst the shards. You'll need long pants and gloves for this adventure.
Someone said to themselves, "Tacos would be perfect if we just replaced the shell with glass."
It already has 11 repins so that means 11 families are in the emergency room.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Even though the grocery store is bursting with options, one of the main toddler complaints I keep hearing has to do with broken food. Adults, you don't look cute or smart when you hand your child broken anything. You come off as rude and disrespectful. Yesterday my mama handed me 1/3 of a granola bar and several lights went out in my head. I cried on and off for thirty minutes. Today is for healing. It is common knowledge that eating broken food leads to a rapid loss of life-force not to mention it tastes different/awful. The molecules in, say, a heart healthy chocolate chip cookie, are designed to be consumed in round form. When you serve it in a broken half moon the elementary particles hurt your toddler's brain and feelings. Do you want that to happen or do you strive to be a loving person?
Maybe it will help to think about why you decided to become a parent. Most likely you were bored and looking for someone to serve. Now that you have the opportunity to make your life mean something, do your best. Wake up with a smile on your face and say this fourteen times, "Broken food is disgusting, when I serve it I look a little ugly."
Those of you who operate cracker factories have the responsibility to innovate until proper packaging is developed that can preserve the integrity of each individual cracker. Half the product in those boxes has to be thrown out due to chipped edges and premature crumbification. Especially Ritz which are apparently made with air vapor and therefore cannot be enjoyed in a ziploc bag for long before converting into stovetop stuffing mix.
I find it very curious that bottles of wine are always stored impeccably. When it comes to beverages you adults seem to know just what to do.
Crackers aren't the only foods that are prone to breakage. Pieces of fruit, bread, even rice can be too broken for consumption. Trying to manually put a crust corner back on a piece of toast or conceal brokenness in other poorly thought out ways is embarrassing for both parties.
Broken rice is called couscous in some circles and will devastate your family. Please go ahead and serve it if you don't care about anyone but yourself. That's fine.
You might be asking yourself, "What do I do with all of this broken food?" First, blame yourself. After that you have two simple choices. Either eat it in private or throw it away. Just because your toddler may or may not have eaten trash in the past doesn't mean he or she is an actual trash can.
The next time your toddler expresses a bit of upset over being handed something broken, stifle your laughter, calm your tantrum and be professional. Customer service isn't for everyone but maintain a teachable spirit and you should be fine.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Toddlers, now that we're alone I have something important to discuss with you. You already know that it is impossible to love more than one person at a time. That's why when parents hug or show affection it feels like a slap in the face because it is. I have some disturbing news to share. Your parents don't just hug during the day, they hug at night, too. During the time you need them most, they hug.
Most children know that the night is a terrible time. Night is when dinner is presented, owls hunt, teeth are forcibly washed as if you haven't been soaking them in nature's toothpaste (saliva) all day, and you're expected to lie down for hours. Now you can also add to your list of sadness that the twilight hours are when mommies and daddies all over the world hug until they forget you even exist.
Last night I witnessed these shenanigans for a brief moment and could not believe the lengths they went to to conceal their hugging practice. They even do it under a blanket. I invented under the blanket. They just took my idea and ran with it. I love hugs, too you know. Was I invited or notified? Absolutely not. While I was in my bed having nightmares about swiss chard (it's real) they were bonding as a family. What I don't understand is why there were candles but no birthday cake as the two go hand in hand. I know the power wasn't out because Usher's Greatest Hits was playing. You got it, you got it bad.
I know this hug was daddy's brainchild as he seemed particularly agitated when I tried to make a baby sandwich under the covers. I've had it with his selfishness and will be breaking three of his personal belongings come morning. Then we can all move on from this and enjoy hugs they way they were mean to be shared: with me.
One of the dangers of hugs is that they are a gateway to a disease called sibling infants. I know this because several of my friends are infected and it is fairly simple to put two and two together. <-- I hope you saw what I did there with "two and two together." This is no laughing matter though. I just want you to notice what I did. Now that you've seen it pull yourself together. Enjoy it one more time if you need to but that's enough.
While I'm not a (recognized) scientist, I know how special time leads to infant sibling disease. Put down your LeapPad because it's not helping you read you're just looking at the lights. Pay attention.
WHEN A MOMMY AND DADDY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH THEY HUG ALONE IN THE BIG BED WHILE THEIR SWEET BABY LIES SHIVERING IN A LITTLE BED BECAUSE THE BLANKET CAME OFF AGAIN.
THIS YOUNG BEAUTIFUL CHILD IS PROBABLY ALSO HUNGRY BECAUSE DINNER WAS A DISASTER AND THEREFORE INEDIBLE.
This is where it gets more complicated. Go get a snack cup of orange slices in corn syrup and come back refreshed.
AFTER IGNORING THEIR SWEET BABY'S REQUEST FOR WATER BECAUSE THEIR CHILD IS DEHYDRATED FROM CRYING, A CENTAUR FLIES THROUGH THE WINDOW AND GIVES YOUR MOMMY AN ACORN.
SHE EATS THE ACORN FAST LIKE IT'S THE LAST DOVE BAR AND A CHEMICAL REACTION IN HER STOMACH BEGINS TO TURN IT INTO A BABY. EIGHT YEARS LATER, A BABY WILL PUNCH ITS WAY OUT OF HER LEFT LEG.
THAT BABY WILL THEN LIVE WITH YOU FOREVER.
I know this is hard to hear. Special time might be fun for parents but it is dangerous. As the ninja of your family it is your obligation to step in. Use pee pee if you have to because that's what it was invented for: violence.
Good luck. Failure is not an option unless you want to go from #1 to #2. <-- I did it again. Number two like poo poo. Did you see that right away or did I have to point it out. Either way you're enjoying it now. Start the sentence again with poo poo in your mind. You're going to feel like caca once there is a sibling infant in your house because it will need so much assistance with everything. Infants come into the world bringing nothing to the table and are takers. You'll be basically raising yourself.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Big people struggle with mealtime. Have you ever seen one of them eat a salad? Everyone knows a cold meal of various vegetables should be regarded as a severe punishment but they try their best to pretend as if they enjoy it. Four cups of salad "dressing", a handful of cheese, and 54 croutons later, they're still eating that salad at the speed of light trying to get it over with.
I feel sorry for adults but my primary goal in life is to help people so I'm focusing my efforts there.
One food that I'd like adults to relax their aging muscles about is paper. Paper grows on trees and is technically a vegetable although I believe it digests like a carbohydrate. Unfortunately these are trying times for children who often find themselves having to eat paper in secret, either behind drapes or in a closet, but I am confident that one day this culinary treat will go mainstream.
For adults who want to live their truth and be adventurous, I've written a guide to easing into making paper a regular part of your diet.
There are lots of different varieties of paper to choose from: faxes, construction paper (try red), confetti, toilet....I could go on all day. My personal favorite is receipts. I wouldn't say they melt in my mouth but sometimes I think about the smooth texture and get a craving. Receipts are also a fantastic weekday dinner option. Many people confuse grocery receipts with ATM receipts; they are actually quite different but that is an advanced lesson and you're not ready.
A big problem with most foods is that they have flavor. Paper is different because it allows people to focus on the delicious texture of our snack without worrying about tasting anything.
Once you have spotted the paper you'd like to sample, the first step is to acquire it. This is harder than it sounds because paper eating is considered taboo by people who can't mind their business.
Is anyone looking at me?
If someone is indeed watching you, you'll need to act fast, but intelligently. Walk over to the paper. Pick it up like you're going to read. This will get the person looking at you very excited. Make letter sounds. The person in charge of you will wet their pants with happiness and think you are a genius. Their dreams are about to be dashed but that is not your concern.
Take three large steps AWAY from your supervisor. At this point you have options. You can either A) take a moderate bite of paper or B) cram as much paper as you can into your mouth while running away.
I suggest B. You'll notice that I didn't say "take a small nibble." You only do that if you have privacy.
Did someone give me this paper or do I need to snatch it?
If the paper is not in your hand, you will have to hunt it yourself. Paper is relatively easy to find and will not fight back. Check the floor first whether you're in public or at home. Banks are full of paper. It is usually the full-bodied glossy brochure variety (whoa, my mouth is watering), but there is plenty to go around.
When a person is done praying for money at an ATM machine, they will be rewarded for their lack of basic budgeting skills with a receipt. Reach up and ask for it. If they say no (ew), look for one on the floor.
Once another adult notices that you have eaten paper, they will become full of jealous rage and try to steal it. Do not be surprised if you end up in a bear hold with arms held to your side while a thief ransacks your mouth with their fingers. If it's your lucky day, you already swallowed. If not, too bad, cause you're about to be burgled.
The most important thing to remember when hunting, gathering, finding, and eating paper is finders keepers. Fun Fact: You may or may not see an altered form of your paper 3-4 hours after consumption.
Paper money is the caviar of all papers and usually has a subtle hint of hand flavor. If you dare to eat this, savor the moment because thunder will come. Leftovers can be stored in plain view.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Follow the instructions below for feeding success. When you're done, give yourself a small pat on the back. Small.
You most likely have a toddler seat in your home whether it's a high chair (LOL) or a booster seat on a regular chair. That said, allow toddler to decide where he or she feels the most at home. When toddler is seated comfortable in your lap remind yourself that children are a blessing.
If you've already made your sweet child a plate, that's your bad. We will be sharing with you.
Find a toddler-sized spoon, not a ladle. You're ready.
You might be asking yourself why toddler needs to be fed. Just because we've used utensils before doesn't mean we remember how or that we're up for the task. This is not a Stouffer's commercial, this is real life.
1. Put 1 teaspoon of food on the toddler spoon. Examine the food:
- Does it contain more than one flavor or type of food? NO.
- Does it contain more than one color? NO.
- Does it contain multiple textures (crunchy AND soft)? NO. Exception: Ice-cream and sprinkles
- Is it HOT? I shouldn't even have to say this. If you burn your toddler's mouth with too hot food please look for the small "x" in the top right-hand corner of your browser and click because you are banned from this website. You have lost my respect.
2. Say something nice like, "Here you go, amazing baby, a little bite for you" in a genuine voice.
3. Bring the spoon slowly up to toddler's mouth so that it can be visually inspected by your client.
4. Hold the spoon 1/2 an inch from toddler's mouth DON'T YOU DARE TAP THE LIPS WITH THE SPOON SO INCREDIBLY RUDE and wait for toddler to have a chance to smell.
5. If toddler hits the spoon out of your hand, laugh and move on to dessert.
6. If toddler eats, bravo on the mac 'n cheese.
7. Wait 8-10 minutes.
8. Repeat this process until toddler jumps off of your lap. Note: Between each new food (rice to chicken, beans to marshmallow creme lol I had to try), announce the name of the food.
1. Did you make any promises? "If you finish your food, you can have a cookie." Keep your end of the agreement whether or not toddler kept theirs because a child cannot legally enter into a binding contract.
Things to Remember
It's so cute that you love cooking but when your hobbies start to hurt the children, it's time to move on. There are many restaurants right in your city with prepared food available for purchase. Many of these places also deliver for your convenience. Pizza without toppings is always a wonderful option that will not only put a smile on your toddler's face, but make you a hero. Thank you for thinking of others.