The Big Bed: Daddy Let's Talk

I want to have a rational discussion about the big bed. I am a reasonable human being and don't like to see anybody get their feelings hurt.

Daddy, this post is specifically for you as I can tell you are struggling with your place in this family during the night hours. The question looms every single evening: Who does mommy belong to?

It's easy for me to point out the obvious fact that she and I are blood relatives while you two seem to have some sort of contractual relationship, but I want to acknowledge your emotional problems. Who wouldn't want to snuggle with her? She's soft and smells great.

Daddy, are you scared of the dark? It's OK if you are (LOL) but I just want to know because I am. I know the two of you are convinced that the Fischer Price Ocean Wonders Turtle Nightlight thing is some kind of proverbial night watchman, but I assure you if an owl tried to collect my eyes at 10PM, that it would prevent nothing.

My own personal security aside (!), I know that my nighttime requests, occasional flatulence, REM screaming, and kicks to the face can be disconcerting. There's also only so much space in our bed and I fully own up to taking up 70-80% of it.

Delicate question: Is it the pee pee? I know rising for a fresh new day partially drenched in someone else's urine isn't ideal but I looked it up on Wikipedia and my liquid waste is sterile. You won't get sick. You may even repel bears during the day. <-- I haven't had a chance to confirm this.

I feel as if I'm missing something when it comes to your attachment to the big bed. Something I can't quite put my finger on.

Bottom line: Nobody likes to sleep alone. You need a restful night's slumber to prepare for a day of....I don't know what, and I see how I've been a barrier to this.

Daddy, I see you. I hear you. You'll be thrilled to know that I've come up with a solution that you are sure to find not only satisfactory but quite generous if I do say so myself.


Wait for it



Are you familiar with REI? People all over the world who have never seen a mountain in their lives wear fleeces with this company's logo to become honorary park rangers.

REI has bounty of cots available that look quite comfortable! Whoa, and it's on special!

OK, OK, daddy hold on. I can already feel your resistance. You don't have to start out the night sleeping on your special adult cot. We'll all cozy up together in the big bed and once you're nice and asleep mommy and I will geeeeeeeeeently roll you on to your own fantastic awesome bed which will be right next to ours if you need anything. Anything at all.

In the morning, feel free to come join us again. Quietly, though, OK?

I presented this idea to mommy earlier and she laughed and laughed until she had to excuse herself which I took as two thumbs up.

I hope you're as excited as I am. Tell you what. Tomorrow, we're going to pick out some new (twin sized?) special sheets just for you. Anything you want. Mommy and I want you to be happy.

love, HT

PS. Check. Mate.

I'm the official ambassador for the following book:
Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any 


The stars are out, it’s dark outside. 
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie. 
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie. 

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock, 
because nobody likes a cockblock. 

If you're a parent who knows the pain of hearing your toddler cry over the baby monitor the second magic was about to go down, this book is for you.

If you're a parent whose 4 year-old seems to know the moment you're about to break that month-long dry spell and takes that opportunity to crap their pajama pants, this book is for you.

If you're a parent with cobwebs on your genitals who can't remember the last time they had an "O" that wasn't an "Oreo" cookie eaten while crying about their blue balls (or blue ovaries) this book is for you.

Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world. 

Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a full color paperback children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. The 32-pages of inappropriate prose and hilarious illustrations that will leave you laughing about your sad life. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.

Release date (no pun intended): April 5th 

Screw looking for a last minute Mother's Day or Father's Day present.