The Big Bed: Daddy Let's Talk

I want to have a rational discussion about the big bed. I am a reasonable human being and don't like to see anybody get their feelings hurt.

Daddy, this post is specifically for you as I can tell you are struggling with your place in this family during the night hours. The question looms every single evening: Who does mommy belong to?

It's easy for me to point out the obvious fact that she and I are blood relatives while you two seem to have some sort of contractual relationship, but I want to acknowledge your emotional problems. Who wouldn't want to snuggle with her? She's soft and smells great.

Daddy, are you scared of the dark? It's OK if you are (LOL) but I just want to know because I am. I know the two of you are convinced that the Fischer Price Ocean Wonders Turtle Nightlight thing is some kind of proverbial night watchman, but I assure you if an owl tried to collect my eyes at 10PM, that it would prevent nothing.

My own personal security aside (!), I know that my nighttime requests, occasional flatulence, REM screaming, and kicks to the face can be disconcerting. There's also only so much space in our bed and I fully own up to taking up 70-80% of it.

Delicate question: Is it the pee pee? I know rising for a fresh new day partially drenched in someone else's urine isn't ideal but I looked it up on Wikipedia and my liquid waste is sterile. You won't get sick. You may even repel bears during the day. <-- I haven't had a chance to confirm this.

I feel as if I'm missing something when it comes to your attachment to the big bed. Something I can't quite put my finger on.

Bottom line: Nobody likes to sleep alone. You need a restful night's slumber to prepare for a day of....I don't know what, and I see how I've been a barrier to this.

Daddy, I see you. I hear you. You'll be thrilled to know that I've come up with a solution that you are sure to find not only satisfactory but quite generous if I do say so myself.


Wait for it



Are you familiar with REI? People all over the world who have never seen a mountain in their lives wear fleeces with this company's logo to become honorary park rangers.

REI has bounty of cots available that look quite comfortable! Whoa, and it's on special!

OK, OK, daddy hold on. I can already feel your resistance. You don't have to start out the night sleeping on your special adult cot. We'll all cozy up together in the big bed and once you're nice and asleep mommy and I will geeeeeeeeeently roll you on to your own fantastic awesome bed which will be right next to ours if you need anything. Anything at all.

In the morning, feel free to come join us again. Quietly, though, OK?

I presented this idea to mommy earlier and she laughed and laughed until she had to excuse herself which I took as two thumbs up.

I hope you're as excited as I am. Tell you what. Tomorrow, we're going to pick out some new (twin sized?) special sheets just for you. Anything you want. Mommy and I want you to be happy.

love, HT

PS. Check. Mate.

I'm the official ambassador for the following book:
Nobody Likes a Cockblock: The Children's Book For Adults Who Aren't Getting Any 


The stars are out, it’s dark outside. 
I can see that there’s sleep inside of your eyes. 

Stay warm in your bed, on our door do not knock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock.

The train’s leaving the station, it’s about to go down. 
My ticket is stamped for a trip to Pound Town. 

Your job is to sleep like the heaviest rock. 
Because nobody likes a cockblock. 

I love mommy so much. She’s my favorite cutie. 
Tonight I would like a piece of that bootie. 

Don’t ask for milk or help with your sock, 
because nobody likes a cockblock. 

If you're a parent who knows the pain of hearing your toddler cry over the baby monitor the second magic was about to go down, this book is for you.

If you're a parent whose 4 year-old seems to know the moment you're about to break that month-long dry spell and takes that opportunity to crap their pajama pants, this book is for you.

If you're a parent with cobwebs on your genitals who can't remember the last time they had an "O" that wasn't an "Oreo" cookie eaten while crying about their blue balls (or blue ovaries) this book is for you.

Cockblocking by children is a serious condition that affects millions of parents around the world. 

Nobody Likes A Cockblock is a full color paperback children's book for adults about woodland creature moms and dads just trying to get their swerve on. The 32-pages of inappropriate prose and hilarious illustrations that will leave you laughing about your sad life. It's perfect for birthday parties, baby showers, baptisms, and of course, wedding presents.

Release date (no pun intended): April 5th 

Screw looking for a last minute Mother's Day or Father's Day present. 


Prize: One lasagna

Enter to win this lasagna! It was meant to be tonight's dinner but we should have pizza. I know you love lasagna and will appreciate this.

Details: Lasagna is not as fun as its name implies, but due to your degenerating adult taste buds, you will think this is a wonderful treat or feast. This lasagna starts off with perfectly good pasta that probably now wishes it was dead. You put 8 or 9 of these long pasta railroad tracks into a pan that should have been used to make a cake for a young child. Then put on some white pieces. Then spread on a layer of blood. Add on some vegetables like zucchini and ground beef. You repeat this over and over again until you run out of ingredients and your baby is crying.

You don't know how it feels to watch someone you love create this. It's a scary sensation.

Shredded cheese is one of my favorite foods. Take all of the house shredded cheese and waste it on this dish. Put it in the oven.

While this was cooking I felt very alone. I knew that the only person who could rescue me was grandma. She's like my own Liam Neeson. Luckily when the lasagna was done melting it was not served that evening so I still have a chance.

[caption id="attachment_510" align="alignright" width="245"] This is basically what it looks like.[/caption]

How to Win: To win, just leave a comment here, on Facebook, in your butt, and on Twitter. Explain why you love lasagna and I'll try not to get upset. One winner will be chosen sometime. Because I cannot operate a car, I will not deliver this lasagna. It weighs as much as me so you have to come get it. Use the back door and BE QUICK ABOUT IT.

If you're busy running errands again, I will try to give it to the mailman to deliver but I doubt he'll even make eye contact with me as he is a mean fool.

To make things simpler, if you win,  just right click on the image, print out and enjoy.

Good luck.

Yelp Review: Womb


OK well I was here for an extended stay. To be honest, I don't remember even arriving LOL or how I got there (white light?) but I did enjoy myself. The first few months were amazing, the fitness center did wonders for my bod. The food was processed-fixed menu-but good. I gained 7lbs during my visit. Expect to have a roommate. Mine was off the chain (SHOUT OUT TO MY FALLEN HOMIE, PLACENTA, I MISS YOU, ESE).

My host was nice. Complainy and rather sedentary but overall very nice. She cried a lot which was awkward for everyone. Leg room was an issue toward the end as I was practically kissing my knees but whatever. The Womb was a little short staffed...I only heard one other employee's voice consistently. From their exchanges, I think he may have been the host's slave or unpaid indentured servant. Hope he's alright. I think she broke his spirit.

I loved it so much I overstayed my reservation by two weeks. I'd definitely return if given the chance.

Check-out was a mess.

Super Nanny

Dear Super Nanny,

Super? So you think you're an action hero. And what is your power exactly? Tearing families apart?

Since your show started and like a pregnant spider exploded into countless demonic spin-offs, children around the world have been suffering from your ridiculous and terrible ideas. The fact that parents are starting sentences off with "Well, on Super Nanny..." to excuse the creation of time out spots and restrictions on big bed time only adds evidence to my claim.

You walk around with that wool cloak looking like the manager of Hogwarts. I'm not scared of you. The day you come into my home expect Armageddon because I'm going to bring it. Nanny, you don't know my life. You don't know my situation. Were at my birth? Are you my midwife? No. So you don't know what I need.

Nanny there is talk on the playground. Real talk. You're being watched.

You can't just think you can create chore charts for people too young to even read and think you're going to get away with it. Lots of us have systems in our homes that are working just fine. This is America, not boarding school. I don't know how things in work in England but here across the pond we wear Crocs -plastic shoes- in broad daylight. We don't eat crumpets; it's cereal in dollar store tupperware all day long. And juice. Our juice is red and cold like the vengeance I'm about to unleash on you shortly after nap time today depending on how I feel.

not love,



Fruit tastes good and is good for you. My favorite fruits are apples, bananas, red popsicles, blueberries, and pudding. Toddlers, eat your fruit but don't compromise your values.

This post isn't for children people who can guess the obvious. It's for parents who struggle with knowing which fruits are appropriate for eating and which ones should go into the trash.

Before you hand someone you love a piece of fruit, inspect it. Ask yourself:

1) Does it look like it was grown in an enchanted orchard or under a freeway?

2) Does this fruit look like it has come into direct contact with a rare strain of jungle bacteria causing discoloration or unexplained spots/bumps?

3) Is this fruit small enough to be held comfortable in a toddler-sized hand or it is 1 million pounds?

4) Is this fruit wet?

Once fruit has passed its initial inspection, please move on to the next set criteria.


Use your x-ray vision to determine if apple will have brown spots inside. Apples with inside sicknesses can be fed to goats and horses but not children. Being remarkably cheap (don't use words like "frugal" to describe your neurosis) and attempting to remove the disgusting with a knife is unacceptable. Did this apple not cost twenty cents? This should go without saying but the ENTIRE piece of fruit has been compromised.


Bananas are a tricky bunch. <-- did you see what I did there? Bunch. Bunch of bananas. They come in bunches.

One minute you need a banana. Crave one. Feel like your life won't be the same if you can't enjoy the smooth sweetness of this tropical fruit. So often though, by the time an adult has gotten off of Facebook and peeled one for you, the feeling has already passed. This isn't your toddler's fault. Don't make a big deal. Just freeze the banana for a smoothie you will never make or eat it yourself.

Ask toddler if it is OK if you peel banana. When given the green light, only peel the banana 1/3 way down so it doesn't break it half and fall on the floor. Why should I even have to say that.

If there are rot patches on the banana, do not hand to toddler with rot patch facing away like a sneak. Find another banana. If there are no more bananas, OMG.

Buy only bananas without strings on the inside. Read the label.

Toddlers are small people with small stomachs. Usually 1-1.5 bites are enough. If toddler is preparing for battle, 2-3 whole bananas will be consumed rapidly. Again, don't make a big deal.


Wash, dry and make sure they're all uniform. Berries are supposed to be sweet so if you got a bad batch, shame on you.


This fruit comes in small containers and should always be chocolate. Serve with my favorite spoon. Always have more cause you can't eat just one.

Red popsicles

Not to be confused with yellow or orange popsicles and definitely not purple posicles, these fruits are undeniably delicious. Keep these in the freezer and don't be stingy. Fruit makes a wonderful breakfast and red popsicles are no exception. They taste best when enjoyed in front of shows. No napkin.


Sometimes fruit is great cut up, sometimes cutting removes the flavor. Just ASK.

Now you know how to prepare fruit. Try it today!


Stickers: If the fruit is not for you, the sticker isn't either. Greed.


Animals are wonderful things. Do you have one in your home? You are very lucky. I had a cat but it decided to live somewhere else and jumped out the window. It seemed in a hurry. Cat and I had our differences but overall we were the best of friends and he loved me.

I also had fish but they both died. We could point fingers all day but the blame game will get us nowhere. The most important thing is that no one was hurt. Except the fish. They're dead.

You may have heard your parents say that animals are not toys. This is not true. They are toys but toys who can die. Because I'm a giving person by nature, I want to share what I know to be true about creatures.


Things cats love: hugs, kisses on the nose, holding hands, sitting in boxes with you, being trapped and more hugs. If you're chasing a cat, run fast and make a ruckus. Cats like to play hide and seek. Find them even if it takes all day. If a cat bites you with its hands or teeth, it cannot be trusted and needs discipline.

Cats are show-offs and will take every opportunity to rub it in your face that they are potty trained. Take no mind.

If you have a brush or comb, groom your cat. If you don't, just use a lego or slice of bread.


Dogs love kids. Stranger dogs exist. Don't touch them because they might be wild and scream in your face or worse. If you have a dog in your home, good for you. Dogs, much like horses, love giving free rides. Check...does your dog have a tail? It will only grow if you pull it. Dogs love to share their water and food. Help yourself. In return, please share your food if you don't like it.


Fish are quitters with weak spirits. They do not enjoy juice or hugs. If you feed a fish too much, dead.


These are the only pets that we intentionally kill. Stomp away. Do your worst. They're spicy.


Stop lying, you don't have a snake.


Owls are evil and haunted. If you have one, kill it with fire.

One day I will write a book about animal care. Until then, use the above guide. The #1 thing to remember about animals is that they need love and to know who is boss. Enjoy!


Awww your childhood is over. How sad. One way to make your life better is to help mine increase in happiness. Let's play a game! To make this experience more enjoyable (for me), I've decided to generously put together a brief guideline, if you will. And you will.

Warm Up (Pregame)

Before we start our game, ask yourself, "Have we played this before?" If we have, we're going to do it THE EXACT SAME WAY. I hope you remember the rules.

Attire: You can wear whatever allows you to move, run and jump comfortably. Be sure to have used the bathroom recently as there will be no breaks. Make sure you've eaten recently as there will be no breaks. Drink some water as there will be no breaks.

Cell Phone Policy: Do your online friends/enemies need your attention? These people you've never met or very rarely see...are they more important than the child you brought into this world? Unless you're a *stock broker or 911, there is no reason to even glance down at your phone. God help you if you take a call.

* Even if you are a stock broker, ask someone else to break the stocks for the day.

Put your phone on silent and in a safe place like my hand.

Now you're ready for some FUN FUN FUN! <-- did you see what I did there?

Game On

Are your ready for some football! Monday night par-tay! LOL, we're not playing football. Or traditional hide & seek. The game we're playing is far more complicated but interestingly enough, less structured. There are strict regulations that can change at a moment's notice so it's vital that you pay attention and watch me for cues.

I might guide your face, hands, arms or legs during the game to let you know what to do. If we're playing Human Slide on the bed (you're the slide, I'm the happy child), you need to keep your legs straight while I make my way down. Since you have adult muscles, be strong and don't complain. Nothing hurts.

If we're playing Under the Blanket Tent, also on the bed, remember not to be greedy with the oxygen as I'm going to need some too. If you feel yourself getting hot, uncomfortable, or short of breath, slow your air intake. Ask yourself if you love me.

Disobedience: Was there an instruction that you didn't understand because you weren't listening properly? Please don't use excuses like, "That's impossible" or "What are you saying?"

Laughing: If you hear me giggle, congrats! You're on the right track. Repeat whatever you just did until sunset.

Post Game

This is a trick. Game never ends. LOL.

Important Note: Like I said, you can wear whatever you want but I will be nude. Depending on my state of cleanliness at the time, you may notice some odors. Please don't make a big deal. I'm a beautiful child. Also, there is a chance that during the game I may pee in excitement or fury. This is not a reason to end the game. That is what towels are for.

Honest Toddler of the Day: Louka

Meet Louka, a young toddler who despite not being two can open a box of cereal. I respect that.

547513_257026517760074_1216275956_nNominate a toddler for HT of the Day:

Not Sorry

A hobby enjoyed by big folks is making little folks do things. Unfortunately they have collectively decided that forced remorse is a morality building exercise. It's a common misconception, lie, amongst adults that if you require someone to say "I'm sorry" enough times, they'll eventually mean it.

They self-righteously drag you over to the kid whose giant head connected with your foot or whose eyes magnetically attracted the sand from your bucket and evil whisper, "Say you're sorry!"

Or like a puppy being forced to face its stinking excrement, they'll pull you to the site of your latest masterpiece, toilet paper extravaganza if you will, and require you to say "SORRY" to them, the wind, an unseen deity...who knows who this penance is being directed toward.

I know this isn't effective because I've seen daddy apologize to mommy ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS without even knowing what he's saying sorry for. It's pathetic.

Daddy: I'm really sorry.

Mommy: Sorry for what? (pop quiz time, folks!)

Daddy: (stammering and giggling out of fear) Sorry because...uh-ah, what we talked about, I should have been more..been less...I'm very sorry. Chocolate cake?

In those sad exchanges, it's clear to everyone in the room except my mother that what daddy means to say is:

Daddy: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're crazy. I'm even more sorry that from time to time you draw me into your land of crazy increasing its population from 1 to 2.

It's no different for me. I'm not sorry I poured maple syrup into a brand new family-sized box of Corn Flakes. I was making science. I'm not sorry that I exploded a feather pillow with scissors. Pillows are family property and I'm part of this family. Why do we relax on feathers, anyway. Do you think geese go night night on human skin blankets?

Whether you're holding my upper arm in a death grip or doing your in-public calm parent act at the store ("What do you say, honey bunny?"), know this: I'll apologize so that life can go on, but I in no way feel any regret.

Below is a handy guide for translating my fake apologies.

When I Say "I'm Sorry" I really mean:

I'm sorry I got caught

I'm sorry you have enough energy to care

I'm sorry I didn't run faster

I'm sorry I did that in front of you

I'm sorry I didn't hit him/her hard enough to make them afraid to tattle

I'm sorry I didn't eat the evidence

I'm sorry you have no sense of humor

I'm sorry you lack a spirit of adventure

I'm sorry you are obsessed with "clean"

I'm sorry kids can't be kids

I'm sorry you have such high standards

I'm sorry your rules are too boring/complicated to follow


I'm sorry you're no fun

I'm sorry you don't know the difference between personal and communal property

I'm sorry your snack looked delicious and your reflexes are slow

I'm sorry you were in my way

I'm sorry I had to punish you

I'm sorry your face angers me

I'm sorry you thought sharing was for more than 30 seconds dummy give it back


So stranger, the next time I trip you with my body at the grocery store know this: I'm not sorry you almost fell. I'm sorry your walking skills and center of gravity haven't advanced to the point where you're able to successfully run errands. LOL.