Sharing

[caption id="attachment_173" align="alignright" width="214"] Terrible.[/caption]

We already know that parents tend to be hypocritical when it comes to rules. Try not to hold it against them as most of their actions are born from a crippling fear that they'll raise an embarrassment.

But today a line was crossed.

I was at the park this afternoon building a desert city when an "I'm changing the world one poo at a time" gPants wearing NON WALKER crawled over and put his wet gums on my red shovel. In my dreams my mom would have said something like, "Hey baldy, get away from my kid's toys" and pushed him on to his back, but no. When I went to pull it away from him and strike his Charlie Brown head with my pail she not only humiliated me by catching my arm mid-hit but sang "We Share!" loudly in my ear.

Now, I understand that moms and dads behave like caricatured versions of themselves at the park, trying their hardest to emulate the bubble gum disciplinarian Mary Poppins in order to earn the respect of their peers, but this was ridiculous and I am outraged.

Why should I share? Do we live in communist Russia? Did everyone at the park chip in ten cents so that I could have these dollar store sand toys? Did this fat baby's ancestors save our forefathers aboard the Titanic? Why do I owe this kid even a second with MY toys?

To teach me kindness and generosity. Yeah because I'm really feeling charitable right now. Forced philanthropy. That seems like a wonderful idea. Maybe we should donate some of mommy's shoes and daddy's "collectables." I'll get right on that.

I've been asking for a tic tac for MONTHS and even though I know my mom's purse is full of them, have been denied repeatedly. I can't get a sip of soda. The buttons on the washing machine are off limits. Seems like this "sharing" concept only applies to yours truly.

If you're reading this, gKid, rest assured that I have a bite waiting with your name on it. Next time I see you at the park bring your own toys and steer clear of me. PS. Your orange cloth-plastic-hybrid diaper made you look like a jack-o-lantern with arms.