Newborn

Dear squirming blob of flesh, hahaha just kidding!

Dear newborn,

Welcome to Earth!

Look at you there. So helpless. Can't do anything but breathe. Adorable. You came here with a mother, right? Great SO LEAVE MINE ALONE.

Sorry, did I scare you?

GOOD BECAUSE IF I SEE YOU IN MY MOMMAS ARMS AGAIN I'M GOING TO RIP THOSE LITTLE SOCK SHOES OFF AND THROW THEM IN THE OUTSIDE TRASH.

How is everything going so far? You like life? Enjoying milk? I'm happy for you. STAY WITH YOUR OWN MOM OR I WILL TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL.

Your blanket looks cozy. Is it cozy? I noticed you can't talk or run. Or tattle. Don't worry, you'll learn maybe.

Oooh! Just had a quick little question WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE GET OUT OR ELSE. LOL that's not really a question is it! It's the first half of a threat/promise hahaha!

Please don't be confused- my feigned curiosity about you, the way I stared into your eyes and touched your hand while smiling (the adults loved that) was just my way of ASSESSING YOUR WEAKNESSES. ROLL. AWAY. NOW.

Oh yeah just wanted to let you know that the lady who held you, the one whose shoulder you rested your head on because your neck muscles are so weak SHEEE IISSSS MIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNEE!!!!

Maybe your tiny baby brain was confused. But that's my mom. No worries, LOL! You came with a mother of your own. Just stay next to her and we won't have any problems, OK? I like your shirt! It smells like the inside of an unwashed sippy cup on a hot day, but green is definitely your color. :)

I have a joke. Do you like jokes? What's the difference between you and a bag of oatmeal. BAG OF OATMEAL HAS MY RESPECT.

Your diaper was ridiculous. What are you eating? Yellow crayons? Daffodils? Curry paste? There's something wrong with you. Don't leave that here.

Allow me to honest for a minute? I'm mad. I'm the baby in this house. Please pack up your little play mat, binky (leave the binky), and skedaddle. If you leave now you won't hit any traffic on your way back to Old Milk Breath Village. We have a lot of love in my family and don't really have room for a Kobe, OK?

I noticed my mama gave you a bag of my old clothes. Leave it by the door on your way out. She had no right.

Thanks for popping by! Your name is stupid.

love, HT