To: Mommy

From: Sweet Baby AKA Angel Face AKA a helpless child

Subject: Last night...

Hi. I just have a quick question- I know we have a busy day ahead of me watching you do things- but what does love mean to you? I'm curious.

Because to me it means rising from bed with a sense of urgency when I need something to drink at midnight, 2AM and finally at 4:45 without making a big deal about it. I can't see your scowl in the dark but I can hear your dramatic sigh and frankly, it's a little off putting.

Customer service isn't just about providing what's been asked for, it's about attitude and delivery. As your supervisor I find your "I'd rather be anywhere but here" air of insolence not only damaging to our relationship but a threat to the fragile foundation of trust in others that I'm struggling to develop.

You tell me you love me all the time but maybe you should start saying "I love you when I'm fully rested" because whispering things like, "This is the last time I'm coming in here" directly contradict your daytime sentiments. When a demon touches my face in the dead of night causing me to cry out like a banshee I need you to run, not walk to my side.

Do people who love, lie to each other? If not, where's the milk you claimed to be bringing five hours ago? Still working on it? I found your slow creep toward the kitchen with a quick pirouette back towards your bedroom once you thought you were out of my field of vision quite theatrical. Bravo. Can you hear my slow clap? Because I'm not doing it.

Speaking of lies, statements such as, "We're all out of water" make you seem silly. Out of water. Because we're being rationed all of a sudden. Did the marshmallow man fall into the ocean contaminating it at the source or did you just drink it all? I wish you could see my face right now.

Please let me know when I've come close to the maximum number of kisses I've been pre-qualified for. Frankly, the last few you gave me felt like charity. The kind of kiss a British national would give the queen if she demanded one: out of obligation and without a touch of genuine affection. Who would have thought that it would only take a few short months after my birth for the passion to be gone. Maybe no kiss is better than one given begrudgingly. The next time I cry out for repeated kisses why not just shout, "WAIT UNTIL MORNING, WENCH" from your bedroom. If I wake up the next day you can just give me one then.

Regarding my napkin-sized blanket, I'll try to sleep without moving so that it doesn't fall off. Or maybe I'll buy growth hormones online so that my baby arms can adjust it without help. Even thought I don't have a credit card and that's impossible, I'll figure out a way so that you can sleep more peacefully. I'll be so quiet at night that it'll be like you don't even have a kid. That's what you want, right?

If a sock comes off I'll just let my foot freeze and inevitably go dead. No need to put it back on correctly. Just shove it on sole side up and inside out.

I just have one more question: when I called for you specifically, did I stutter because I noticed that you sent daddy in....hmm weird.

Anyway, I just want to let you know that I've put that all behind me and am willing to give you a fresh start. That's just the kind of person I am. A lover.

lots of real actual love,