Dear Police

Dear Police,

Quick Note: This is to the real police, not the Naughty Police who have been fed lies about my behavior. 

Dear Real Police,

I would like to file a restraining order against the woman living in my home for refusing to respect my personal space and boundaries. Fifteen minutes ago I was minding my own business playing store (I have a pretend shopping cart with wheels- come see it with your eyes, not hands, sometime). She grabbed me out of nowhere. At first I was too stunned to move but as her face burrowed into my neck like a freshwater leech, I began to struggle.

Even though she claims to be a mother, she did not respond to my discomfort and instead repositioned me LIKE AN INFANT across her lap and stared into my face with a happy, drunk expression.

She may be under the influence of narcotics. I honestly don't know but have no other way to explain her behavior. Feel free to test her. I know for sure that she enjoys beverages.

Police, I'm a very busy person with lots of games to squeeze in before I'm forced to day sleep. This "hug" lasted for at least 30 seconds during which she cried for no reason. When I said, "That 'nuff!" she responded with, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh." When I cried out, "I can't see" as my face was smashed close to her unwashed armpit, she ignored me. 

At other times I have caught her smelling my breath. Literally trying to breath it all in like the witch in Snow White & the Huntsman.

I have tried to speak to her about this but her response is since I ripped her privates on my way into this world, I belong to her.

If you're wondering whether or not I'd like to press charges the answer is a definite yes. Before she is booked and issued a cell, please ask her to write down the recipe for brownies as daddy, grandma and I will need it.

Awaiting your response,