Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Four Facebook Statuses of Parents

As a social scientist and toddler advocate, it is my job to help keep the lines of communication between young children and parents open. Today we will talk about a very popular website for parents called Facebook.

What is Facebook? Facebook is the high fructose corn syrup of websites. Very enjoyable but little to no nutritional value. Much like the corn syrup, adults are ashamed of how much they like it and while they suspect that it's terribly unhealthy, they are powerless to stop although they keep saying they will very soon.

Unless you are a firstborn child, there is zero chance that you have a baby book with all of your milestones documented. Toddlers, you'd better hope this site stays up forever because when it goes down so will all traces of your childhood.

Adults like Facebook because it pretends to care about them. "Watchu thinkin bout?" Facebook asks. 

There are four kinds of Facebook statuses that parents post. They are listed below.

1. The Brag

Toddlers, in the rare event that you do something positive, your mother or father will want to tell all of their friends*.

*The definition of "friend" in the adult world can mean 1) A person they know, 2) A person they used to know, or 3) Someone they hate but want to keep tabs on should their life fall apart or house catch fire so they can celebrate from a distance.

It is important to note that when adults brag they are not proud of you, they are proud of themselves in relation to you so don't get happy.

"My baby is potty trained!" = "I'm proud of myself for potty training this stubborn mule of a human being."

You are just a vehicle for self-praise. You're like cheese on a Triscuit. Nobody likes Triscuits on account of them tasting like dead tree branches, but everyone like cheese so we sometimes allow these crackers into our lives. Can't remember where I was going with this so let's move on.

2. Everything is Awesome!

"Everything is Awesome" statuses only happen when

A) you're asleep
B) you're somewhere else
C) they've been drinking
D) they've been drinking and you're asleep 
E) they're been drinking and you're somewhere else

When parents are this happy, their chances of them making poor choices that will result in a sibling for you TRIPLE. Bring them back to reality. For a mom, you can spit in her purse while maintaining eye contact. For a dad, you can kick him in the downstairs (by accident).

3. Kids Are Terrible, Yes?

"Kids Are Terrible, Yes?" is when parents try to get other parents to turn on their children. This is the most dangerous kind of post for the toddler community. Why? Because our lifestyle depends on parents blaming themselves for our behavior.

If you sense your parent about to post a status like this, take the phone from their hand and firmly crack the screen against some marble.

4. The General Cry For Help 

Toddlers, you're going to like this one because you caused it. You know how we like to push them right to that edge and them when we sense their love for us starting to shift we ask a cute question or make that face? This behavior causes a General Cry For Help.

Sometimes adults can't find the words and will use a quote or song lyrics.

Parents will post just enough for their friends to know that they are seriously considering starting over in a new city with a new name.

You now have the tools to deal with Facebook. Good luck, toddlers.


 My book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Dinner Translator

Dinner time is when family memories are made. They'll never be able to forget how much you cried at the table. Long after you put them in the cheapest unlicensed retirement home you can find, your parents will look back on dinner with fondness and emotional trauma. "IT'S SPIIIICYYYYYY!!" will echo in their ears for the rest of their days.

Adults don't just cook to hurt you with recipes, they also cook to express their feelings. It's called "culinary ARTS" for a reason. Yes, 99.9% of what they make is trash, but we're not supposed to judge art. We observe art from a distance. Stare at it. Move it around on our plate. Get up and walk around. Excuse ourselves for quick poo. Get help with poo. Ask about dessert.

You can tell what's going on in the heart of a parent by the meals they make. Do they feel as raggedy as they look? Or do you have a kitchen Banksy on your hands with a deep desire to create photos for Facebook?

Pay attention, young toddlers. A wise person once said, "Out of the abundance of the heart, the parent cooks."

Today my book came out!

Real Testimonials  

"My pediatrician used to be my main source of wisdom. Since reading your book I have canceled our subscription to the doctor and now look to you and my toddler for knowledge." -Melissa, Eurasia

"Yesterday my toddler headbutted me in the nose. The pain was incredible. While I was unconscious, he went through my bag and ripped up my paycheck." -Frank, Swiss


 My book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Interview With Caillou

To celebrate the launch of my book tomorrow I reached out to my favorite media personalities for exclusive interviews. One of the first to respond was Caillou. Below is our interview.

Honest Toddler: Hello Caillou. Thank you for coming today.

Caillou: Thank you for having me.

HT: So, you're a very popular child. What's the hardest part of being, Caillou?

Caillou: The death threats.

HT: Oh. Sorry. What's it like being animated?

Caillou: I've never had a real body so it's hard to compare but it's like being made out of cotton candy. You feel delicate.

HT: Ok weird. Why do you think kids love you so much?

Caillou: Kids watch me because I'm living the dream. I'm bad. I'm not going to dance around it. I'm very bad. But at the end of the day, I get what I want.

HT: How do you get away with it? Yesterday I lost dessert.

Caillou: Without me the show would be nothing. Everybody knows that. They want to get paid.

HT: So it's an income thing.

Caillou: Yeah.

HT: What is Rosie like off the set?

Caillou: Who is Rosie.

HT: Your sister.

Caillou: Oh yeah that girl. I don't know her very well to be honest but she smells bad.

HT: Let's play a little word association. I say a word, you tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Caillou: OK

HT: Cake

Caillou: Probation

HT: Hugs

Caillou: Weapons

HT: Snacks

Caillou: Destruct

HT: There's something wrong with you, isn't there?

Caillou: I've heard that before.

HT: What's your favorite activity?

Caillou: Arson

HT: Thank you so much for joining us today! Let's take separate exits. People know where I am. Bye Caillou. 

My book comes out tomorrow. I'm not at all tired of talking about it. It's the most important book in the world and will change your life for the better. Without it you will feel incomplete and like a waste of blood. Testimonials:

"I thought I had a good life but then I bought this book and everything changed. Within four days I won the lottery and became more attractive in the face. My dead hamster came back to life also." - Sam, Oregon

"I compare this book to Magna Carta, Bible, and the US Constitution because it's inspiring is holy-ish, and set me free." -Al, Seattle

"My husband and I don't have any kids but we were thinking about it. After reading your book we now realize how much they would destroy our quality of life. Thank you." Heather, Fresno

"My toddler has been kicked out of two preschools. At first we thought he was the problem. Now we know it was just their dumb rules and policies. We're starting a lawsuit. Thanks HT!" - Belinda, Rhode Island

My book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting. 

Friday, April 18, 2014

The Insomniac Parent's Sleep Cycle

Don't blame me when you're tired. See you at five on the dot. 

I wrote a parenting guide. It comes out in four days. Four is more than three but less than five.

Preorder my book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting (Coming to stores April 22, 2014) 

Honest Toddler

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Top Five Must-Have Bathtime Toys For Toddlers

There's nothing a toddler loves more than a bath. Unless you're forcing the issue, in which case no thank you.

Bathtime isn't just about getting clean. It's an opportunity for you to bond with your child in an uncomfortable position. Sitting on a rock hard, wet floor with your legs folded underneath you like human origami is fun. Are your arms and back screaming from pain or joy as you hunch over the tub? It's hard to tell because the sounds are so similar.

Make bathtime extra special for your blessing by introducing toys. Below are my recommendations.

Stick to them if you know what's good for you.

Top Five Must-Have Bathtime Toys For Toddlers 

1. Spout Thing

The top of this moves up and down. It's there to amuse you. Toddler, you'll have hours of fun making metal sounds but if you slip and break your face that's on you.

2. Tweezers

These aren't a bath toy, per say, but they are an integral part of making bathtime a positive experience. The world loves toddlers so much because we're a paradox. We'll don't mind sitting in our own poo but the sight of bath debris rocks our world.

Adult, use these tweezers to remove from the bath any hair or microscopic trash that may be making your toddler angry and uncomfortable. Get it quickly. This will require you to be alert and not on your phone. You don't know anyone on TMZ so stop.

3. Regular Toys

Grab an armful of whatever you can find from the family room. Toys that light up and sing do very well when completely submerged in liquid. Sometimes they get shy on account of seeing you naked and don't want to work anymore but be patient. You may notice that your toy is now filled with something called "black mold." This is no more harmful than artisan cheese. Carry on. 

4. Bubbles

More bubbles than this.

Whether you have parents who love you and buy real organic bubble bath or you're in my situation and your bubbles are made with Dial hand soap, these delicate ethereal spheres can elevate your bath experience significantly. Bubbles are good for concealing turds and experimenting with different looks (the Santa beard and the biker 'stache being amongst the most popular).

The most important thing to keep in mind when it comes to bubbles is that you don't have enough. You never can. Ask for more. Make your parent use their arm as a human agitator (pun totally intended because parents agitate toddlers).

5. Kitchen Stuff

Measuring cups, basters, tupperware with white buildup, large plastic spoons, things that look like a volcano...your kitchen is a goldmine for bath toys. Toddler, don't settle for just one or two. YOU NEED THEM ALL. Future dinner guests will enjoy knowing that the tools that made their meal were once floating in stagnant water not too far from an anus.

Fun Fact: 10 out of 10 toddlers would switch you out with grandma without even thinking about it.

Preorder my book- The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting (Coming to stores April 22, 2014)


Honest Toddler